@Birdofparadise8 I wish I'd read your reply to @tyme before I said what I said.
I am so sorry, you really have had a tough go of it.
It makes sense your mum holding on to you and not wanting to lose you but it's not healthy to take it to that extreme, as you well know. You're right, your mum needs to see someone.
You have had someone with you always and never been allowed to know what it's like to be alone.
It sounds like you are mourning the loss of that familiarity of having mum close by and trying to cope now that she isn't.
Trying to keep yourself preoccupied at night seems to be what you need, but how do you achieve that?
And while you have this forum and the helpline it's not the same as having a physical comforting person with you.
I just went through my worksheets that my last psych gave me and there are a lot of things to overcome loneliness but they are more daytime suggestions, not for when it's night time and everyone else has settled in for the night.
One suggestion I found was re-writing your thoughts, I think it's part of CBT.
Instead of "I don't know how I will ever stop negative self-talk." try saying "It feels like I will never stop the negative self-talk, but that is just my depression and it will get better." or something like that.
I remember I had to write down my negative thoughts and then re-write them with a positive slant.
Don't know if it will be of any help to you.
Another thing I like to do is have music on and colour in or do diamond painting. When I was first diagnosed I got into jewellery making and because I was concentrating on what I was doing I didn't have the negative thoughts pop in so often. Does a hobby like that interest you at all?
