Not Coping

I am used to it like @RiverSeal

@Birdofparadise8

Yes catch up later @Birdofparadise8

Hi @Birdofparadise8

Have a good bike ride

Thank you. I'm about to get ready to go @Snowie

What are you up to today? At least it's not raining.

Not much @Birdofparadise8 Went up to the supermarket and ran into a friend. I hate small talk 😒

Just taking it easy this afternoon.

Small talk sucks so much @Snowie

It can be so awkward, especially when it's someone you don't see or talk to much.

Or if, in my case, I'm in Hobart and bump into a heap of people who used to bully me, ahh, that's the worst.

One question do you know if it is weird to have a dream about things that happened in the past?

I always have dreams about my past @Birdofparadise8 I think it is quite normal to have.

Sometimes they are just dreams, sometimes they are nightmares.

I've been having a few about the bullying at school. One last night, when I was on school camp, and we were getting dinner, no one would let me sit with them, so I had to ask the teacher to get a new fold-out table so I could sit on my own. The next thing I knew, the teacher went around and made the "cool group" let me sit with them, and it was awful. I don't even know why I think back to that time and a few other things that happened then @Snowie

It's making me upset thinking about it.

It's understandable that you are getting upset @Birdofparadise8 I think that is only normal.

I'm sorry you had to go through that at school. Sometimes people are just cruel. I had little friends at school and was never in the popular group. Was always an outsider.

That was in primary school @Snowie

I have so many stories I could tell.

One time in grade four, someone wrote fuck on the wall. I was never one to swear, and I was always good at school. A few people decided to make a rumour that I wrote it, and everyone in my grade thought I did. I was so upset I didn't even go to class because 60 + people were making fun of me. I was ten.

In high school, we had 120 students. Hmm, one year, we had tables that were in groups of six. Every table had people on it, but one right smack bang in the middle, so I sat there all alone for my history class. I had no friends in high school. It was the worst. So many people would pick on me, call me names, make fun of me, and leave me out. Out of those 120 students, not a single one cared about me.

The teachers say they did, but what did they have to show for endless bullying every day for 13 years? Nothing they did fuck all.

I was left out of group discussions, PE class, any school event, assembly, really anything that had to do with school. At recess and lunch, I would either walk around so fast so the teachers on duty wouldn't see me on my own, or I would eat in the bathroom, which really sucked. I hated not having friends. It was the worst.

People would make fun of me because of how dumb I was, how I looked, spoke, or really anything. One year, I was called a professor in a mean way because of our science class, and I had glasses on. Everyone in my class would call me that, and they knew I didn't like it, so they kept saying it. Another time, I was compared to a beluga whale because of my supposed big forehead.

One time a group of kids were so mean on a school bus I got off and started sobbing.

I cried a lot at school. People were so mean. I always wondered what I did for people to treat me so badly.

I thought it was how I looked, my name, how I talked, what I did and a few other things. There was one group of girls that would let me hang out with them sometimes, but only if I didn't talk, move or if I would give them food. Sometimes, they would let me hang out with them and then only let me back if they wanted something from me. They were also very mean to me.

Anyway, sorry, I could go on and on about this. I don't know what it's in the forefront of my mind today.

Also, it may sound stupid or petty. What I'm telling you now is that I'm 20, but it hurt so much back then that I was bullied from the ages of 5 to 18.