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Advice needed please

JJWeldContributor21 Oct 2022, 12:06 am AEDT

Advice needed please

Hi all,

I’m not sure how to approach this and I have no experience at all with severe mental health issues but I have personally suffered heavily from depression for 20 years now and feel the older I get the worse it gets. And the more hurt I get when relationships break down. Recently I met a girl who suffers from schizophrenia and we clicked. I had no idea what the illness does to people but I really started to feel something for her and am never one to turn my back when things get tough. She would tell me that I was the most caring, kindhearted man she’d ever met and things were going fine until I saw another side of her illness. She started accusing me of only being there for sex, that I was just like all the other blokes she’d been with and telling me to get out. She would ignore me when I spoke or cut me off during a conversation and would only ever talk about her exes. Some nights she would get quite aggressive and angry and literally throw herself at me wanting sex. The next day she’d be quiet and reserved and wouldn’t show any emotion at all and would be cold towards me. A couple of weeks ago after being away working I stayed at hers for about 3 nights then all hell broke loose and she started at me at night about only wanting sex. Even though I’d brought some shopping to put in the fridge, some alcohol and personal belongings for her just to contribute a little. The end result was her telling me I’m using her place as a motel, and she sees a side to me she does not like. Which I would never do by the way.
I really like her and don’t want to give up but how can I convince her otherwise. She hears things through the tv and believes people are spying on her and watching through the windows. She has said some very nasty things to me which are untrue and seems to distrust everything I say and won’t let me help her in any way, shape or form.
The only time she rests and really feels safe is when I have my arms around her when she sleeps and I hold her close.
I haven’t seen or spoken to her in over a week, only some heated texts of me trying to defend myself from her accusations then trying to reason with her of how I feel, and now being blocked and given the silent treatment. I miss her terribly and care so much and thought we were on the same page.
FYI I’ve been on my own for over 5 years due to the damage caused by a severe narcissistic ex who caused so much emotional pain and confusion to me I tried to end my life. I’m not a womaniser in any way, I’m respectful and responsible and a hard worker and don’t get into relationships easily and just want to find one last love and share my life with her happily.

4 replies

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In response to: Advice needed please

Little_LeopardSenior Contributor21 Oct 2022, 10:19 am AEDT

Re: Advice needed please

@JJWeld

I’m so sorry that this is your situation.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do if she does not want to go to get the help and put in the work to make herself a safe person to be around.

At this point in her journey, it sounds like she needs to focus on her own healing journey. But at this point she doesn’t sound like a safe person to be in a relationship with.

just know that there is nothing you can do to change her. She needs to be the one to make those efforts. If you continue in an abusive relationship it will only cause you more damage and resentment.

this is not to say that she is a bad person. But she is being abusive to you, and she is responsible for getting support and help so that she can become a person that is safe to be in a relationship with. At this point in her life that is not where she is at.

In response to: Advice needed please

Unknown userMember21 Oct 2022, 6:28 pm AEDT

Re: Advice needed please

Hey @JJWeld,

That is a tricky situation 🤔 and sounds very upsetting for you both ❤️‍🩹.

Have you tried talking to her about what she needs from you? Both in her times of distress and peace? Sometimes people with complex mental health can struggle to express their needs and sometimes their needs change quickly and dramatically. It can be scary and distressing for those who are close.

I understand your desire to find love, especially after your experiences with a narcissistic ex-partner. Sometimes that can leave a person feeling very low and lonely. I admire your persistence but you also need to look after yourself too. Relationships are tricky and sometimes the desire to make it work can be overwhelming. Maybe designing a schedule of time spent together may help you to be able to have some down time while seeing if you can make it work?

I am on the forums tonight if you want to chat 💬

Hugs,

Sunshineandsea xx

In response to: Re: Advice needed please

JJWeldContributor22 Oct 2022, 12:48 am AEDT

Re: Advice needed please

G’day @Former-Member

I didn’t really get time to. As this is a new relationship I guess that would have come with time but it happened so fast I never really got the chance. I know she’s not a very good communicator and I’m a bit better and obviously need improvement.
I have only showed her kindness and patience and generosity. And I’d love to know why she treats me like the enemy. Bit hard to do anything now being blocked on phone. Just takes me back to the games of my last gf played 5 years ago. 😒

Thanks for your advice ay. Appreciate it a lot.

In response to: Re: Advice needed please

JJWeldContributor22 Oct 2022, 1:12 am AEDT

Re: Advice needed please

Hey @Little_Leopard

yeah I’m understanding that but still very confused because I don’t understand the illness enough to know how it affects her emotions and feelings. One day she tells me one thing and the next another. Makes it hard to know where I stand and I don’t know her enough to know which side to believe. If that makes sense?
loving one minute, accused of something untrue the next. Can relationships like this last? Can people with this illness ever truly trust their partner and life becomes closer to normal as a relationship should be?

Im at a loss and always put my own needs aside but it’s taking it’s toll.
I know what you’re saying and respect your honesty but if you knew my story you’d know my determination in times like this and know I don’t give up on anyone close. It has never been me to give up. Maybe that’s where I go wrong and it has caused me so much heartache in the past but I have never entered into a relationship with the short term in mind.
Appreciate your time to reply muchly.

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