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My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

RuthSenior Contributor16 Oct 2016, 11:06 am AEDT

My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

Hi everyone. It's been some months since I last wrote, and I've searched for my old posts, but unsuccessfully.

My 18 year old daughter (whom I love more than life itself) is now accusing me of being the trigger for all her issues. I am totally exhausted. I've been the anchor in the family all through the years. I've loved and supported my daughter. I've remained calm and gentle when she has screamed abuse at me. NOW, she's telling me that it's my fault that she has a mental illness ... my fault that she took drugs ... my fault that she chose bad associates. These words are cutting. I'm not permitted to have any response; any feelings; I'm not allowed to be human. I am Mother and I am Responsible.

Oh dear, this almost feels useless writing this post, because it's impossible to summarise the scenarios, the grief, the loneliness, the despair.

I'm feeling fragile against her cursings and accusations. I am experiencing the proverbial 'jaw dropping' response to the things coming out of her mouth. And I'm completely lost for words, because I know the things she says are irrational and untrue. In her whole life, I've never even raised my voice at her or scolded her. (I can hear all the 'judgement' calls coming in against me, from readers, lol). But that's who I am. I've parented in the same way that my parents parented me. Just love and kindness.

I keep telling myself to delete this post. What's the point sending it? The couple of paragraphs I've written only give a glimpse of the situation. I appreciate the fact that readers will probably reply and say 'hang in there'; 'it's not your fault'; 'ring up a support line'; 'you're not alone', et cetera. I know this. I've read the books. I've talked to the professionals.(I actually AM one, haha. I'm a doctor and have a masters of counselling degree. Go figure). I've called the support line. Strategies don't work effectively unless both parties are participating. I probably sound ungrateful. I'm not. I just feel like I've been verbally and emotionally beaten to a pulp over a long period of time. And the beating is still going on. And I'm getting tired and I can see no end in sight.

The weariness and loneliness are getting harder to live with.

23 replies

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In response to: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

RuthSenior Contributor19 Oct 2016, 6:47 pm AEDT

Re: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

Thanks Olly53 for sharing about your daughter. You are resilient and strong. It's a rollercoaster ride, isn't it? Forgive the brevity of my reply. But I appreciate hearing from you x

In response to: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

pipSenior Contributor19 Oct 2016, 6:52 pm AEDT

Re: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

Hi @Ruth. The biggest problem for you at the moment is, you and bf are competing for your daughter and he's winning because he's the bf and you're only mum. It's an 'I love him and he understands me' situation. Even if you get the courage to tell him to leave, chances are she will follow because she believes in him. How old is your daughter? At 20, he appears worldly, knowledgeable and her age group. To her, you are old-fashioned and don't understand her as he does. It's a battle of wits, that I would leave alone. The revelation will come to her that he and you are saying similar things. She is hearing you - yes, but is unwilling to listen. All she can really hear is she loves him and he loves her. She sounds incredibly naïve and ( sorry for this) gullible and he plays on it. Perhaps it might be an idea to suggest to him, he find another place to live as your health is suffering from the toll the extra workload he has placed on you. Tell your daughter she is welcome to continue the relationship. If you try to come between them she will choose him in defiance. Just mention your Dr is concerned for your health. He is claiming to be an 'expert' on health, play on his supposed wisdom. You may have to play-act slightly, but if you let him see how sick you are, he may realize you are not coping. Once he agrees to go (I'm sure common sense will prevail ), let your daughter know she can see him whenever. Eventually she will realize, once she is doing what you have been doing, she will see just how lazy he is. Tough love often works, but it requires something not many parents are able to do 'switching off'. At this stage, you have nothing to lose.

In response to: Re: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

RuthSenior Contributor19 Oct 2016, 7:18 pm AEDT

Re: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

oh thank you Pip.

Yes, there is definitely a 'generation' thing going on. I mentioned to Kate that I'd overheard the boyfriend yelling and swearing at her, and I found this distressing. I said "No man should ever speak to a woman like that. Indeed, no human being should yell at another like that". Kate was quick on boyfriend's defence, telling me I was old fashioned, and that there's no difference in gender. (Any mention of gentlemanly behaviour was scoffed at). And yes, he "understands her", and vice versa, like no-one ever before! Silly old 60 year old mum wouldn't know anything!!

The irony of this situation is that the boyfriend's house is about ten houses away, where his mother and brother live. I have never met them, and I get the feeling that Kate and boyfriend don't want the two mothers to meet.

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