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My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

RuthSenior Contributor16 Oct 2016, 11:06 am AEDT

My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

Hi everyone. It's been some months since I last wrote, and I've searched for my old posts, but unsuccessfully.

My 18 year old daughter (whom I love more than life itself) is now accusing me of being the trigger for all her issues. I am totally exhausted. I've been the anchor in the family all through the years. I've loved and supported my daughter. I've remained calm and gentle when she has screamed abuse at me. NOW, she's telling me that it's my fault that she has a mental illness ... my fault that she took drugs ... my fault that she chose bad associates. These words are cutting. I'm not permitted to have any response; any feelings; I'm not allowed to be human. I am Mother and I am Responsible.

Oh dear, this almost feels useless writing this post, because it's impossible to summarise the scenarios, the grief, the loneliness, the despair.

I'm feeling fragile against her cursings and accusations. I am experiencing the proverbial 'jaw dropping' response to the things coming out of her mouth. And I'm completely lost for words, because I know the things she says are irrational and untrue. In her whole life, I've never even raised my voice at her or scolded her. (I can hear all the 'judgement' calls coming in against me, from readers, lol). But that's who I am. I've parented in the same way that my parents parented me. Just love and kindness.

I keep telling myself to delete this post. What's the point sending it? The couple of paragraphs I've written only give a glimpse of the situation. I appreciate the fact that readers will probably reply and say 'hang in there'; 'it's not your fault'; 'ring up a support line'; 'you're not alone', et cetera. I know this. I've read the books. I've talked to the professionals.(I actually AM one, haha. I'm a doctor and have a masters of counselling degree. Go figure). I've called the support line. Strategies don't work effectively unless both parties are participating. I probably sound ungrateful. I'm not. I just feel like I've been verbally and emotionally beaten to a pulp over a long period of time. And the beating is still going on. And I'm getting tired and I can see no end in sight.

The weariness and loneliness are getting harder to live with.

23 replies

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In response to: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

olly53Contributor17 Oct 2016, 4:53 pm AEDT

Re: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

Thanks Pip I appreciate your response. At the moment I am continuing with time out to evaluate where I am in all of this. Such a fine line we have to walk. That is about all I know right now that I have hit the wall and need to fill up my own cup.

In response to: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

KurraSenior Contributor17 Oct 2016, 9:55 pm AEDT

Re: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

Hi @Ruth and @olly53

I have since the beginning of this year had a stand off with my daughter. She was diagnosed with social phobia and depression when she lived in France. Whether this is an accurate diagnosis remains to be seen.

She laid down the law, told me everything that I'd done wrong etc. She then outlined exactly what I had to do if I wanted her to love me. I wasn't prepared to kowtow to her demands, so there's been a deathly silence in our relationship. As she is currently living o/s I wasn't able to assess the situation personally and I most definitely would not have been welcomed with open arms if I had visited.

My silence seems to have been the right move on my part. Just a week ago she contacted me. We spoke briefly and all was very pleasant. I'm desperately trying not to jump in boots and all but..... well it's hard not to do so.

Personally I am not prepared to accept the blame she has cast upon me. She knows full well that it is not true. She also knows that I will always be there for her.

I believe that if I were to cop the blame she has flung at me I would in turn be disempowering her. It is my hope that at some point she is able to accept responsibility for her own actions and mental health.

Sorry I have no magic wand that I can wave in your direction. It simply doesn't work that way as you are well aware.

Take care and keep talking to us here. 8f nothing else the forum is a place where you can air you concerns and hopefully get some helpful responses in return.

Hugzzz 🎶

In response to: Re: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

AppleblossomSenior Contributor17 Oct 2016, 11:21 pm AEDT

Re: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

Hi @Ruth

If you click on your profile name or anybody else's name you can see the posts made.

It has been great your daughter has looked at her drug use and been weaning herself off. She must feel a bit ashamed so she wants to deflect the blame. Mothers do influence but should never be the scapegoat, as it is too complex a role for far too much time. Slowly that is being acknowledged in the mental health field. Often we are the ones doing the most work and absorbing the most distress so to weaken our position is not helpful for the child or adult patient. Are you still in the position of feeling you need to accept 'friends' who are a bad influence on her in your home? I felt I had to accept my oldest daughters friends who were very insolent to me and did cause trouble for the younger children as well as not the best influence. It is such a delicate line to walk regarding trust and children's peers.

In response to: Re: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

RuthSenior Contributor18 Oct 2016, 7:53 am AEDT

Re: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

Thanks Appleblossom. I see you 'reviewed' my old posts, as you've mentioned the issue of my daughter's friends. Yes, that issue still exists, although not as bad as it was before when drugs were the central issue. (That period was truly hell when I was "ganged up" on by drug effected people who completely ignored me and my pleas with them to stop bringing drugs into my home). However, Kate now has a boyfriend who also has mental issues apparently. They claim they are in love and that they help each other. They're inseparable, and she's brought him into the family home, and even though I have said I do not want him living here, he IS. Her aggression and outbursts have escalated since she has been with him (a few months), and the accusations about her "terrible" and "dysfunctional" childhood and my ineptness as a parent have started since she has been with him. I have every reason to believe that he is 'feeding' this information to her, as he is something of a self-appointed psychologist and medical practitioner who advises her on everything. The horrific childhood she alleges could not be further from reality or the truth. He has usurped my role as her supporter, and she laps up every word that comes out of his mouth. He doesn't work and is not interested in working. He sleeps all day. We've been changing rooms to accommodate a new living area for Kate (and by default, him), and he'll watch me move heavy furniture downstairs by myself, without helping. So essentially I labour all day, making things nice for Kate (from which he is benefitting), plus mow lawns and general housework and maintenance, but he does nothing. He's been here three weeks. Helps himself to food. And contributes nothing, practically or financially. He has just moved in, without any conversation with me about it. I've tried to 'keep sweet' so as to not upset Kate... but three nights ago, Kate said "she" wanted home delivery pizza and cigarettes (read: she and Mick), but had no money. So I say "Ok sweetheart, I'll see what I've got in my wallet".... as I'm looking, I calmly said "Is Mick able to contribute?". Well that set her off! She went into a tirade about how judgemental I am. That set me off into depression... I think that was the night I sought some comfort in finding this SANE forum again. I've cried so much in the last couple of days. I feel so used. It's one thing living and loving a child with mental illness, but it just adds more grief when there's a freeloader thrown in. I actually resent buying cigarettes for Kate's boyfriend. He doesn't even say thank you. I don't want to have negative thoughts about him, but I do. I keep saying affirmations to myself like "In the light of eternity, this doesn't matter", "In ten years time, I won't even remember this", "there are people worse off than me", and so on. So, I just keep smiling outwardly, saying "Morning Mick" (when he surfaces at 3pm), and wondering if this nightmare will ever end.

I bet you're sorry you asked, Appleblossom! LOL

In response to: Re: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

pipSenior Contributor18 Oct 2016, 9:08 am AEDT

Re: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

Hi @Ruth. I hope you realize you don't have to tolerate this totally unacceptable behaviour. She is your daughter -yes, but this doesn't mean she can do as she likes, when she likes. I think I'd be inclined to seek legal advice about evicting him, (if she chooses to leave with him -her choice). The affirmations you're making are possibly helping you, but you need to make some definite rules about who lives in your house, and how they treat you. The nightmare will end, when you end it, not before. I realize she is your daughter and you love her, but there's absolutely no respect from either of them. He is sponging, with your help, and support. He is not your responsibility, neither really is she. Your daughter needs to take responsibility for herself and stop leaning on you.

In response to: Re: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

ivanaSenior Contributor18 Oct 2016, 11:33 pm AEDT

Re: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

Hi Ruth,

I'm definitely not going to direct you to call a "help line" and I can imagine how frustrating that can be sometimes when that is suggested when it may not be helpful for all people as everyone is individual.

The way it reads to me is that your daughter may have some perceptual problems which are caused by her mental illness.

The way that she over- reacted to your question about whether her bf would be able to chip in financially seems to suggest this.

In addition,her perceptual issues may be being exacerbated by her boyfriends input and maybe he is either misreading your interactions with her (and then providing input to her) or perhaps he is confusing his upbringing/parenting with her experience?

Do you think perhaps your daughter has a bit of a co-dependant relationship with her boyfriend?

The ultimate goal needs to be for your daughter to not have any co dependant relationships neither with her boyfriend or with you etc.

You have a right to not have him living there as it doesn't sound healthy.

I would state to your daughter in a very gentle way(!) that he's going to have to move out and that it isn't because you don't like him and that it isn't because he's not working etc.

State to her that you really like him etc but that you have decided for now it's most healthy for you to just have immediate family living there so that you can work on family relationships etc.

She may still get mad at you,but remember you don't owe her this.You have a right to have some healthy boundaries/say about your living situation.

Once she's got over her anger (if she does get angry) then hopefully then she will see that your/her relationship has changed and she will have to get used to negotiating a new relationship where your wishes are considered and thought of as mattering too.

In response to: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

Unknown userMember19 Oct 2016, 6:18 pm AEDT

Re: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

I am new to this forum and so glad I joined today the similarities to my daughter are very surreal. I will definately be coming onto this forum a lot. 😊

In response to: Re: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

RuthSenior Contributor19 Oct 2016, 6:21 pm AEDT

Re: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

Hello Ivana. Thank you for your most insightful message. Yes, co-dependency is big on the agenda. I (and others) observe that the co-dependency relationship between Kate and her boyfriend is far from helpful. They are inseparable, and he's a 20 year old who knows EVERYTHING (read: thinks he knows everything). He advises her on medical and psychological issues and gives appraisals of her mental health conditions. It's quite unbelievable that one so young can be so full of himself. For example, he and I could give Kate identical counsel. I would be ridiculed and told I have no idea. His (identical) advice would be received well and she would agree with everything he said. It's bizarre.

I can't write anymore just now. I've had four days of depression and have seen little of them both. They are mostly hidden away in the granny flat. So I sit and ache for my beautiful daughter who I can't reach. And I live in fear of the next outburst and revelations that I know have been put into Kate's head by this young man.

And no, I haven't got the guts to tell him to leave.

In response to: Re: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

RuthSenior Contributor19 Oct 2016, 6:24 pm AEDT

Re: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

Welcome Royalbean! This is a good forum to share stories and hopefully respond to the stories of others. I hope you find it helpful and I hope you can share soon 🙂 x

In response to: Re: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

olly53Contributor19 Oct 2016, 6:39 pm AEDT

Re: My daughter tells me I'm responsible for her mental illness

I too had problems with a former boyfriend of my daughters who convinced her that I was the problem and she would be better with me out of her life. I did try to speak to him about this but he very quickly became the expert on her condition and was patronising to me during these conversations. I then decided to take a step back and let go as my daughter dealt with the relationship herself. Needless to say it ended with her boyfriend ironically calling me for assistance. I have to constantly remind myself that my daughter is a 36 year old adult who has to make decisions for her own life. Not all of her decisions are what I would choose for her but it seems to be the constant juggle of being there and letting go which I sometimes get wrong and the conflict begins. But such is the nature of her condition that I ride these bumps hitting the wall at times and bouncing back with her when she realises that she has kicked the person who always has her best interests at heart. Not an easy road for any of us but I can't get off it even when sometimes I really want to.

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