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Creating a space here for us to share our Grief and Loss experiences. All kinds but mostly bereavement. - Tell us about your loss? - What 3 things you miss most? - What would you like to tell friends to say, do or be - to lighten the load? - What have you learned about loss that you didn't know before? - Do you have any quotes, links, books, organisations etc, related to loss, that you'd like to pass onto others? ___ WHAT IS GRIEF? GRIEF: The normal process of reacting to a loss. Loss is subjective but usually the loss is: Physical Loss (such as a death), Social Loss (such as divorce), or Occupational Loss (such as a job or an established role & purpose). Emotions distress to Grief & Loss can include anger, guilt, anxiety, confusion, sadness, and despair.
Hi @Former-Member. I have alcohol issues as a result of dad's alcohol addiction. I have been 'sober' for several weeks, my bf is aware of the problem and has been helping me admit to and face the addiction (not easy). I recently completed jury service, came home early, failed to contact my daughter immediately (due to being exhausted). Daughter decided I must have passed out from excess drink and told my bf. Unfortunately, he chose to believe her, this caused major problems. Since then (this happened last week) things have been sorted, my bf sort of apologized for being so quick to believe her, (men are not good at apologizing, or admitting to being wrong). My daughter completely lost the plot when told by her brother to apologize for being mistaken. I think she needs counselling, but this has to be her decision. I am prepared to help her, but she needs to acknowledge her mistake and the problem it caused. We (my son and I) advised my bf he may need to rethink his relationship with my daughter. We have never discussed her dad's suicide properly, she was only 6 when it happened. We (her dad and I) were separated, she had had contact with him, but not much. I did try to explain when she was about 11 or 12, but because I didn't understand, I couldn't explain it to her. Her insecurities have made her difficult to spend time with. I do not live with my bf, probably never will, due to reluctance on both his and my part. I have been married 3 times and all 3 went 'pear shaped' so am extremely reluctant to live with anyone. We love each other -yes, but both of us need our space. We did write to my bf (he lives interstate) and explain the mistake. How he handles it is his call. I know I won't lose him, but whether he will continue to email my daughter is his call. He is a counsellor, but because of his involvement with me, possibly he will be reluctant to 'buy in'. We (my son and I) advised my daughter to apologize to him, whether she will, I don't know.
In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Footnote: Who needs Young and Restless, Days Of Our Lives or any of the other 'soaps'. True life is far more complicated, lol.
In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Unknown userMember
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Hi @pip
Just a quick reply as my iPad is about to die. Congrats for being sober for weeks now!! I think the last thing you need is stress or complications right now. I think your bf will now realise he cannot fully depend on what your daughter saids and won't react so impulsively next time so things should settle for you now.
Yes, you need your space right now to keep yourself on track - this is most important for you now and to avoid conflict that may tip the boat so to speak. We can support our children best we can but ultimately it's up to them as adults to take that first step to help themselves. Be kind to you for now and seek at that which relaxes and keeps you grounded. Be kind to you and keep going the way you are. Takes strength and I admire you. Hugs x
In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Unknown userMember
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
@Decadian wrote: I just learned that my sweet elderly Aunt Isobel died late yesterday - it feels really bad - I have lost a lot of family members in the last few years - people tend to get old in my family - which is a blessing - but everyone has to go eventually I am feeling very shaky right now - not at all sure of what to do about this - I have left messages with family members - and also learned that another uncle is very frail too"
Hi Decadian, hope you don't mind me reposting you here. I'm so sorry your And passing has come as a shock to you, and shaken you up. We're just not wired for loss. Some aunts are special, my fav aunt is still alive - her loss will be hard. Will you be attending a funeral service for her? Maybe create a small shrine with fresh flower vase or candle to express your grief. Please be gentle with yourself this next few days. Hugz xox
In response to: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Unknown userMember
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
BPD & LOSS
"False Self and The Spiral of Loss in Borderline Personality Disorder" A.J. Mahari (Life Coach)
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is the experience of living from one's false self trapped within the spiral of past losses that obliterate the experience of relational moments in the "here and now".
Borderline Personality Disorder can be defined by the psychological death and loss of the authentic self that arrests emotional development before the age of 2 or 3 years old. Borderlines, those with BPD, live in and through a narcissistic borderline false self - a protective and self-destructive pseudo-self.
Borderlines have no consistent or congruentage-appropriate sense of a known self.
Stemming from the core wound of abandonment this borderline false self experiences much of life, especially relationally, in polarized and highly negative ways. The fear of loss and the fear of the pain associated with all of the loss, loss that stems back to the original core wound of abandonment where the borderline's authentic self was lost must be resolved in order to heal from BPD.
As I saw and experienced these spirals of loss in my own life they are a series of plains. I travelled up this series of plains, a spiral at a time, much like one climbs a ladder a step at a time. As I graduated through the resolution from one spiral to the next learning growing as I went, there was an eerie sameness to the process of the pain, the usual cause: loss, and the cycle of grief that took place on each plain of the spiral that is was my healing journey.
Each step of the way though, I reminded myself, that while the pain and loss felt familiar and like I was going backwards it is really about moving forward.
The spiral in the life of each borderline is one that circles around a central axis. That axis is the often lost, yet hidden, authentic self that lies beneath the ego-driven borderline false self which is especially visible in borderlines a the guardian of the system of defense mechanisms that are so "self" defeating. Borderlines lack a stable sense of identity and the borderline false self plays on this.
The borderline false self is created when one's needs are not met and when the borderline dissociates from who he/she really is based upon negative and painful experiences usually associated with or resulting from significant others upon who the borderline is dependant as he/she is developing for his/her sense of self. In other words the borderline false self is a response to this loss of authentic self.
It is the defense mechanisms of the often narcissistic ego-driven borderline false self that leaves many a borderline, in recovery, in utter grief at the realization that so much loss is the result of continuing to push and to pull, self- sabotaging behaviour in relationships designed to shame and re-shame as the all-encompassing narcissistic ego is shown time and time again that in order to stop the spiral of losses the borderline must learn to reach out to others instead of constantly reaching out to the borderline false self as experienced by the borderline through others.
No one gets out of childhood without some kind of loss. We are all like new ships being put into the water when we are born. Each one of us will have bumps and scrapes, maybe even open wounds. Life is an imperfect condition and it scars us. It is then up to us what we are going to do about those wounds. Many of the wounds that we leave our childhoods with (though many are still struggling well into late-adulthood to leave those childhoods behind) are as a direct result of loss.
Loss comes in a many shapes and forms. Sometimes loss has all to do with losing something or someone that you had in your life. Other times loss has more to do with the pain and grief that we are left with when we didn't have what we needed in our lives, or when a significant person, or significant people in our lives left our lives, either through death or divorce or just moving away. Loss is often rooted in deprivation. The loss, experienced as deprivation produces, for those with BPD, the devastation of the on-going Shame of Abandonment in BPD
You have the necessary courage to put your past to rest. You can face it, feel it, grieve it and let it go. Welcome yourself to the here and now. A now that awaits the arrival of your true self. "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." anon.
The pain will stop when it has past its usefulness in terms of your grieving and your learning. If you are still hurting, it means that you are still learning. Often too, when we solidify a lot of growth and healing, we may come to find that there is still some more work to do, some more pain to express, grieve and let go, this can cycle back around and be as painful as any previous work that one has done. The good news is that once you make it through one round of pain and learning and growing you will know how to take care of yourself and to cope through subsequent cycles as you spiral your way up and out of your past. It is important to know that it is actually a kindness and a nurturing thing you can extend to yourself when you are patient with the pain that you feel as you continue to learn. In times like these we just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and not lose sight of the main goal, wellness and peace and life with some peace and happiness in it.
Life is change. Growth is optional. You can decide to free yourself of old patterns by choosing growth, by transforming yourself each time you learn something new as you reach another plain on your spiral of loss. Change is an on-going thing but whether you decide to grow or not as a result of it, is your choice.
"The human organism knows how to heal itself, once it knows its symptoms are normal." Gail Sheehy, in New Passages) Normalize your symptoms. Understand that when you hurt there is a real and true purpose to that pain. Accept that. Flow with it, don't resist it for that is the way through it. Grieve what hurts you. Cry.
"Pain is the difference between what is and what I want it to be." (Spencer Johnson, in The Precious Present) You know what is. Think about what you'd rather have in your heart and in your life and pursue it with an unshakable determination. You want what you want for a reason. You deserve what you want. In order to get what you want you need to change, to grow, to acknowledge your losses and to grieve them. Each time we acknowledge and grieve a loss we move up one plain on the spiral of all of our losses.
Even our growth is loss. When we grow and change and integrate more of our true selves into our lives the loss that we must grieve is the time that we spent living our lives unaware of the opportunity that we have and the courage and power that we have to effect the change that we need and want in our lives to be who we really are, grieve our losses and move on to what we've always wanted to be and have in our lives.
If we cling to our false ego-driven selves we are setting ourselves up for untold and on-going loss. As each loss compounds the one before it, we add to our spiral. The more we add to our spiral of loss the more we imprison our true selves within the axis that our spirals of loss gravitate around. Making the same choices will only result in you getting the same painful, shaming consequences. Refuse to keep reinforcing the negative, toxic, and unhealthy models of relating and connectedness that you experienced in your developmental years. Step out of the spiral of loss long enough to see how to change it. Step out long enough to realize that you can travel each spiral, in healing, until you free the axis, (authentic self) itself. This is when you will no longer be tied to the pain and to the shame and humiliation that you have been tied to within the context and confines of Borderline Personality Disorder.
Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder, among other things, is the recovery of the lost authentic self from the borderline false self. It is the journey From False Self To Authentic Self In BPD. It is the journey of getting in touch with the the lost inner child.
@BlueBay, you might appreciate this post being a fellow BPD sufferer 🙂
In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
DecadianSenior Contributor
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Thanks for reposting my very recent loss @Former-Member - it is appropriate
As with my other relatives - this time will pass - it is only my son's death that stays with me - which gives credence to the truth that the death of our children is a much harder loss
Still - we all must pass through the grief and Rites of Passage that come to pass when our older relations die - those who have had effects on our ealier lives - as I have written elsewhere - my aunt and I were pregnant at the same time and I miscarried and my aunt gave birth to a premmie who died when she was 2 days old - and we both thought of our lost children every day of our lives (her youngest daughter, my son and another cousin who died in 2008)
The knowledge of another uncle's failing health has also brought home the truth unless I see him at my aunt's funeral I may not see him again - oh dear - this is a very sorry thought for me
Decadian
Sometimes we have to set aside a time to grieve - and sitting through the hours of the night alone is a gift to God and to those we love - and it shall be so unless God in his mercy lets me sleep
I am so impressed with the comments so many people have posted here - it means so much to me
Decadian
In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Unknown userMember
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
So sorry for your loss @Decadian. Lovely post 💛🌹xx
In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Hi @Former-Member. Thanks for your kind and supportive words. Luckily my DIL is really supportive, she's been married to my son 20 years and has been a fabulous support. My son has also been truly amazing. We want to continue being there for my daughter, but, by the same token she has to accept the blame for this problem she caused. I haven't heard from my bf, so have no idea how he feels about what happened. I sort of feel slightly isolated at this present moment. Till I hear from him as to how he will handle what happened. He may try and offer some suggestions to my daughter, whether she will listen and accept his help, who knows. My bf knows their dad suicided, he may be able to encourage her to open up about how she feels. She did self blame slightly when it happened. But we've never discussed it. If she wants to, I'm here. Perhaps my bf can encourage her to talk either to him or me. He never knew me then, but he is a counsellor so he may have some ideas. We never stop worrying about them, do we?
In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Hello @wambool Acquiring a brain injury has many traumatic consequences. Loss of skills, functions and levels of control and a sense of who you are. I am sorry that the people you were able to mobilise for the good of the communiity were not able to give support to you. It must feel like a betrayal. Thank you for telling us your story. I hope you do get some sense of community here. We cant do the practical things, but it has been good for me. Good to sahre my story, read about other people. Just quietly reading has reduced my sense of loneliness a great deal. Sometimes others really resonate and reply in a way that relieves our pain.
Take care
@pip Congrats on being sober. You have first hand experience about the complexity of grief after suicide too. The closeness of family relationships makes that grief seem even more messy. I do hope things unfold in the best way for you with your new bf and your daughter.
In response to: Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
BlueBaySenior Contributor
Re: Let's talk about Grief & Loss
Thank you @Former-Member for sharing this information. It is really interesting.,
I feel that i have lost 'myself' when i was a child. And it's taken me all these years to now start to learn and find 'myself'. I'm not there yet but hope to one day.
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