Let's talk about Grief & Loss

You are quite right @Appleblossom in saying that it short circuited my grief for my mother because of the new marriage of my Dad to my Auntie. I was dead against it and thought it was highly disrespectful to my mother. It is something I've never really worked through. I've thought about seeing a grief counsellor and even embarked on a diploma of counselling myself, but that stalled when I got to grief and loss subjects (I found it all too hard to process and went into hiding).

Now I am with a new partner I could probably visit their gravesites more often. Perhaps it would help.

@Former-Member I think of them often. I'd like to think I mentally light candles for them. Sadly I now hardly remember my mother even though I remember everything about the day she died. I guess time has paid me no favours.

I was shocked at your dad's decsion and can understand your position. @QueenieFor me I had stopped thinking about my father after a few years and had had very harsh comments from my mother. Probably same as you ... there was enough to cope with just dealing with my own life. I did busrt into tears at a funeral of another girl's dad. Coincidentally I went to uni near where my dad is buried and was doing generalised study in psychosocial theory .. so it was easy & natural ... the study was not too close to home .. so I could handle it ... then this light hearted friendly chat evolved where I would aske him how he was etc ... I was somewhat healed from my dad's death before my sister died, but of course .. grief is ongoing. I often returned to same uni over many years and so also had my chats with my father too. I also visited grave ... sometimes quite a few times in a year .. other times there may be years between visits .. now my sister is there as well.

Given the constricted kinship structure you had to deal with after your father's re-marriage ... I wonder if some of your voices are a result of your anger at being discounted in his decision ... but instead of being able to deal direct to your father and aunt you then turn it against you ... try and find ways to externalise the voices ... drawing painting ... drama ... dont let legitimate anger and your sense of helplessness about the situation paralyse your own sense of agency in your current relationship. Tey and find therapists who will work with you constructively.

Hugzz @Queenie

My Dad certainly has a lot to answer for @Appleblossom. I am still angered at him making me pay for my dear brother's funeral (I was 16 and writing cheques to funeral directors). I still don't know why he did that to me and quite possibly I never will.

There is evidence to say some psychotic illnesses like schizophrenia can be triggered by traumatic events in childhood/adolesence so I'd say I qualify under that umbrella. Hard to say however as mental illness runs like a river through my family. I know I am angry and hurt at my Dad. He doesn't seem to want to know me anymore either. I am ostracised by my family these days. That also hurts and angers me.

Under my new mental health care plan I will soon be seeing a psychologist. I will be sure to bring up this trauma and see if I can finally lay it to rest somehow.

Hugs to you too @Appleblossom. Where would we be without our traumas?

Hello @Queenie@Former-Member@Appleblossom@esprit@BlueBay

A good subject @Former-Member and so important to talk about. There is too much of a taboo in our culture when it comes to grief and such is usually the core trigger of many mental health issues. Physical suffering is very painful but "grief is the agony". It's the greatest suffering I have ever had to endure.

Reading all the stories here my heart goes out to you all. @esprit - we have had similar experiences of grief. The pain is indescribable - I have physically felt daggers in my heart that left me gasping for air. It's despairing.

The only person whom showed me any love when I was a child was my father - although due to his work was not there for me very much. My dad died of cancer when I was 32 and I felt so alone in the world then. Not long after I married my soul mate which helped fill this void. But not a day goes past that I do not think of him or feel his presence still.

@Queenie - I believe it would help you tremendously to visit the gravesites of your loved ones. I visit my dads and although some who pass me by must think I have lost the plot I talk to him and left it all out - laughter, tears and all. All those words left unsaid can now be shared - and they hear us.

The worst grief I have ever experienced was losing my three children through divorce. Their father gradually poisoned their minds against me and we are now estranged. It took about 10 yrs to get over (to not feel despair over it any more), and eventually I moved on - putting all of my love and focus on those who were there for me and my new family as well as helping others was what enabled me to move on. But then this year my daughter from my second marriage nearly passed away due to a serious suicide attempt (result of being abused by partner).

I have to distance myself somewhat to remain sane now and just live for the day and the good in it - my daughter is alive, my husband is alive (he has cancer) and for now all is good. That's how I cope together with helping others through volunteering and having days out with a couple of friends. Something I could not do when badly depressed and anxious due to the losses I have endured.

I also lost my mother and siblings due to estrangement because of my ex. I have lost much. But for me while there is still someone to love and who loves me, and purpose, hope and faith - life can still be good and go on and be fulfilling. But is never easy. I had to learn to leave the past there and let go.

How does everyone else cope?

You have endured a lot too @Former-Member. Sending you a hug.

As for coping mechanisms, I'm inept that. I truly believe these deaths have stunted me emotionally. I hope to gain more insight and be able to properly process this grief when I have sessions with my new psychologist.

Thank you @Queenie. Hoping the sessions with the new psychologist goes well for you. It sounds like your life is embarking on new beginnings. New partner, new home, new psychologist and although change can incite anxiety - a whole new you. Let us know how you get on. Hugs 💕

You are doing your research. @QueenieThats all we can do. I am more convinced the older I get that even schizophrenia is trauma related.

@Former-Member I am sorry to hear about your loss in your first marriage. I guess we have a lot in common regarding our estranged children. I always like to read your sensitive insightful and caring posts.