Still damned safe

Hello my friends. I was going to post on another site so that I didn't have to bother you, but I needed to be here where I have found the best of people, the most understanding, and a true sense of support and belonging over the past several years. I'm not sure if it's been 2 or 3 years, but they've been hell and I wouldn't have made it to this point without you all.

I'm almost two assessments into my next course that starts tomorrow. It's going alright, but it's difficult to concentrate when intense unhappiness and suicidal thoughts continuously flood my mind. I'm getting a head start so that I can concentrate on the major PowerPoint presentation that is one more assessment away. I haven't done one before. It will be a challenge. I hope I can figure it out as I have no-one to help me. If I can, at least I will have a sense of achievement.

I feel like hell. I can't find any enjoyment in life. I don't fit anywhere and am not going to try anymore. I may as well walk into a room and say to all and sundry, "I know, you don't like me, I won't bother you further. Just blame me for everything".

I had wanted to have another birthday, achieved, before I had enough of this suffering, then to get my assessment grades, achieved. At the moment, my only thing left to do is finish this current 10 week course component. I haven't made any other plans beyond that, and that's a big scary. I hurt, I continuously hurt and it's all so tiring, and happiness- and soul-destroying.

I've completely given up on people in the real world now and can't see any point in trying any more. I have spent my life being the person everybody hates. When I was young, I used to be traumatized by it and couldn't figure out what I had done wrong. I could walk into a room of complete strangers and everyone would be looking at me as if to say "That's her. Everything is all her fault". Many years later, I came to the realization that I had done nothing wrong. It was just the way others tried to control me, make me feel guilty for something, anything, make me grovel to be accepted. So now I just work around them all and don't give them any attention.

My course teachers are having the same effect on me. My face is prickling every time I see their faces on video, and I know they are grading me and criticizing my work differently to others. I decided to just keep going anyway. If I was young, I would have decided to drop out. If I keep going despite them, they have no reason to be nice to me, and it all gets rather unpleasant. I always keep a low profile and try not to draw attention to myself. And I try not to ask questions. I had really wanted to continue with my studies beyond my current course, but devoid of any happiness in life, it doesn't compensate.

Memories of my ex-psychiatrist keep churning in my mind and I still swing from both extremes of thinking well of the person I knew him to be, then swinging back to the realization that he wasn't the person I thought. It really hurts to think I spent years in the enemy's camp, allowing myself to be experimented on, duped, sabotaged, tricked and robbed of everything I need to survive. I'm still swinging about in that spider's web. I can't reconcile these thoughts and the only time there is any 'pleasantness' in my life is when my brain tricks me into thinking it will all be alright. It won't. I hurt so very much. This is all so damned unfair.

In my spare time, I get my affairs in order. It's soul destroying to have done your best for everyone despite them, and it was all for nothing. I just wanted to get my own and birth family back on track. It was all just a waste of my life. If I had just looked after myself, I couldn't live with myself. They don't have any such reservations. Go figure. How do they get away with it? They are all just waiting for me to die and I'm just keeping them waiting.

I hurt. So very damned much.