I have BPD. How do I get friends?

Hi @Cinderella83,

I just finished reading your post and what you said doesn't sound stupid at all. A close family member of mine has a serious mental health issue; he also has social anxiety so the hard shell you refer to makes sense to me.

The fact that you have a boyfriend, work colleagues, clients etc indicates to me that you have some good social skills going on. There is nothing wrong with being shy - not everyone is going to be the life of the party.

Maybe you could join a group where you will find people that have similar interests to you? For example if you like painting you could join a painting class - that way you have a common interest to talk about. I think when there is a common interest it can help break the ice and can act as a point of reference.

I really think once you get one or two friends your confidence will begin to grow and you will slowly but surely come out of your shell more.

Best wishes,

FloatingFeather

Thank you for your reply. I've joined a Facebook group and hopefully can meet some people in that hobby group. 🙂

I'm sure @BPDSurvivor will share their story 🙂

Hey @Cinderella83 !

Join the club! I have BPD. I push people away. I'm in my late 30s. I can't say I have friends.

But where we do differ is that I'm not looking for friends. My life is so full that I continually have to push people away so I can have time for myself. I feel bad not returning people's phone calls, but I'm really not into small talk. Then on the other hand, I have contacts who are so intellectual that it takes so much effort to concentrate on the phone. I feel awkies going out with people.

I found I'm such a goal-focused person, that if the goal wasn't 'productive', then I don't bother making the effort.

Maintaining friendships is hard work! I like hanging out with kids because they are innocent. I like talking to them and interacting with them. I'm a teacher, by the way, so I'm around kids ALL DAY long.

Lately, I've been teaching the youngest of the youngest in early years as well as the oldest ones in highschool and I'm getting to really enjoy the high school kids a whole lot more. I just feel I can 'help' them more than I can bear listening to the little ones ask me to tie their shoelaces or 'can I go to the toilet?' - you want to say 'no' to them during learning time, but then the next thing you know, they are sitting in a puddle....

And, no, by all means, am I a shy person. I appear quite confident, but I do face social anxiety too.

Anyway, back to your original question @Cinderella83 - How to get friends?

My advice:

1) Start slow, and go slow.

2) Set yourself clear boundaries so you don't become OVER BEARING on the other person

3) Learn to compromise at times - relationships are about give and take. It can't be all your way and it can't be all their way.

4) If you have doubts - openly clarify e.g. "When you said that, do you mean....?"

5) Make time for yourself even when you do have friends.

6) Most importantly, be kind to yourself. Having friends is not about replacing kindness to yourself. You have to be kind to yourself in order to be kind to others.

Hope this helps!

BPDSurvivor

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply

Your message has really helped me!

I'm very similar to you. I'm always on the go and wanting to be productive. I'm also very helpful and enjoy helping people. In my job I like looking after elderly as they are also more innocent/vulnerable and rely on others for help.

I've always been annoyed by small talk. I would rather talk about something really interesting or even about whatever is in my surroundings but I don't like the "oh how's your kids going, what have you been up to?" kinda of chat. I'm not good with that.

I like your advice on making friends. I think I could be at risk of being overbearing and I wasn't really good at give and take in the past so I'll keep that in mind.

I hope you have a good weekend! 🙂

You know what @Cinderella83 ? Nearly every borderline I know who is working is in an industry that ‘helps’ people. This speaks to the strengths of people with BPD - we are very empathetic and have a lot of care for others. We can ‘see’ the need of others.

Although this extra 6th sense makes us vulnerable, this hypersensitivity makes us exceptional at predicting the needs of others and acting on our intuition.

So, @Cinderella83 , BPD is NOT all bad news! And what’s even better is that the elements of socialising we are not so good at, we can actually actively work on.

As I mentioned before, boundaries are key.

Looking forward to hearing how things go for you. I’m very interested.

Feel free to tag me by typing’@‘ in front of my name so I get a notification of your post.

Woohoo @Cinderella83 ! You did it! I got an email notification of your post so I don’t miss it.

As for online chatting - that’s a start.

Have you done any group therapy? I found group therapy so helpful for my BPD. I hated it but I knew it was good for me, so I stick with it. There were people in the group I really couldn’t stand. In real life, I would have wanted to slap them! So many times I walked out of group therapy in tears. But in the end, it was these challenges that helped me learn about what ‘real’ relationships feel like. Real relationships have rocky parts.

I’ll wait for your next message tag 😉!

Hi @Cinderella83 , I was thinking of you so came to say hi.

How are you going?

hi @Cinderella83 do you mind me asking what friend finder app you use?

I struggle to meet new people.