How do I learn to trust myself?

I think this is the right kind of topic @Faith-and-Hope. today I had a coffee with old best friend. She started opening up about how she’s having nightmares from her experiences and how she thinks he might be back doing it again. My gut tells me it’s unlikely but I haven’t got any of this right yet. I don’t know how to deal with it all. All the guilt came back as she said if he’d gone to jail she wouldn’t be experiencing this. I felt so much shame. I feel/felt so naive. I don’t know who to talk to about it.

To top it off tonight I was kind of told I made the wrong judgement staying with him as long as I did and that it was the first time that I have acknowledged how wrong my judgement has been for all those I love. I don’t trust myself for anything. Today I pulled out of volunteering (before this happened) because I’m getting so stressed that I’m doing more harm than good and can’t cope and was getting so stressed before it. @Faith-and-Hope tonight I worked out that I think this was the catalyst for fearing failure as much as I do now. I got the big things so wrong. How do I ever trust again

Can you start by telling yourself it’s not your fault @Teej ? I know that sounds a bit glib, but I think you know me well enough to understand that I know that is not easy for you .....

I have something to tell you. I don’t know whether it’s part of being an empath, but when something comes up for me, one of the first questions I ask myself is, “was that my fault, or in part my fault ?” That question comes up so easily, and a part of me knows that if I didn’t have a shield in place against that question, I would probably let loose with self-blame. I think I have the ability to sit on my Inner Critic and quieten her down .... and I think that skill came from my Mum. Points here are -

1. You can learn to do that .... it’s a learned behaviour.

2. It’s a natural reaction to ask that question, to my nature at least, and I think yours too.

The more I am learning about my mr’s condition, the more I can see in hindsight that elements of it were already there ..... and elements were so present in his family that I was naive to imagine that we had dodged it ..... I also believe that whatever it turns out to be diagnosed as, it probably emerged in his early 20’s and was camouflaged by the work environment, practices, and success.

Can I be blamed for not seeing something like that ? No, and neither can you.

Yes, we can cringe at the nativity, but it is innocence rather than ignorance @Teej .... it’s only lived experience that has taught us otherwise.

Do you know how many people have suggested that I should have left @Teej ? Would it have been better for S2 and D3 if I had ? I don’t know .... but what I do know is that I can’t change it now, for starters ... and we have to move forwards from where we are, not backwards.

My thought is that your friend has visited her thoughts and feelings onto you, but what happened for her was not your fault ..... underscore that ..... and you were living a parallel existence where it was important to look after what was happening for your own family according to what you perceived it to be .... there is no “should have” here ....

I am sure there must be a lot of the same sort of thinking when a woman finds out that her husband has had a mistress for decades and their children have half-siblings that they didn’t know about .... or someone who’s husband has embezzled millions .... (gender roles can be reversed, of course) .... that same sense of utter disbelief at being blindsided goes with the territory of being betrayed .... in whatever sense .....

You didn’t betray your girlfriend. He did. It starts and ends with that. And he betrayed you too.

I’m scared about being able to move past naive. But I’m also scared to never be able to trust myself and my decisions. @Faith-and-Hope

I think of all the different outcomes if I’d reacted differently. But I also know that it rewriting my history exaggerated my inability to trust what is real.

I guess your post makes sense about betrayal. @Faith-and-Hope. It feels like a new spider web has just been spun and I can’t see the new threads and will likely get caught up in it and eaten alive again. I wish I could tell you it all but I can’t.

It’s natural to be jumping at shadows @Teej. You have suffered a trauma.

Rather than second guessing everything, ask for support to feel that you are doing the right thing. Re-learning to trust, in this case your own judgement, is possible .... but it’s something that you ought to reach out for support with. Is this something you have discussed with your therapist ?

Rather than trying to make my way forward any more than I have with my kids, I am greeting the emergence of therapists for them with open arms. I am not experienced or skilled enough to know what they need as a result of our extraordinary circumstances .... and once we have a diagnosis (God willing) I fully expect to be attending support groups and speaking with counsellors to receive guidance and recovery in my own part of this situation.

It’s one of the reasons I sought a psychologist a few years ago now. I wanted someone to see what I was seeing and tell me whether what I was feeling was to be expected ..... and whether the decisions I was making were valid.

Have you discussed what happened, at length, with counsellors ? Or has the focus been only on you, and what is happening now for you ? Perhaps revisiting what happened back then will free up a lot of what is happening for you now .... ?

I’m so messed up with counselling at the moment. I’m confused and frustrated. @Faith-and-Hope It was my eldest son who confronted me on the staying after a conversation about me telling him about my coffee. I think I was looking for empathy but it was the first time I think I understood how much my naivety had cost the kids.

I think you are doing the right thing by your kids. I’ve not ever really questioned that.