Struggling: TW suicide

If you find some good poetry I'd love to have some good recommendations @creative_writer !

It sounds like you have a very relaxing afternoon planned. I hope it helps you feel calm and help you find some peace.

❤️

@hanami ❤️ the shower did help a bit. Having a really awful migraine right now 😞 Crying can cause really bad headaches, I couldn't control the tears today, I cried at home in front of family, and I cried on the phone when speaking to the MH clinician from the hospital.

I can't cope. I just can't. When am I going to feel less broken, damaged, dirty, unworthy and unlovable?

Hey @creative_writer those are some heavy thoughts to be sitting with hey. And legit I can relate - I remember when 'unloveable' popped up as one of my main schema's during schema therapy, it was so awful. The hardest part is that it takes a lot of time to heal from these wounds, and that sometimes you need to actively choose to tell yourself otherwise.

Do you have some positive affirmations you could try telling yourself? They do actually help, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

@Jynx I've tried some affirmations just now, feel slightly better but still feel new at them. I'm about to start schema therapy too. I know these things take a while but I feel really hurt. I never asked for SA, it just happened. I wish I could feel less ashamed over time, and not feel so defined by it.

@creative_writer oh good on you! Yeah they take some getting used to. I remember feeling like the biggest DORK, and really struggling to believe it could work. But over time it starts to become easier and like... I even surprised myself when I realised I actually felt what I was saying, I truly believed it.

Schema therapy was super helpful for me so I hope it is for you as well! You absolutely didn't deserve to go through what you did, and I hope one day that idea becomes a belief so ingrained, it's as easy as breathing for you 💜

@Jynx ❤️ affirmations do take a while to become second nature to us.

I hope schema therapy help, I’ve been progressing too slowly. I know these things take their time especially if trauma occurred over a period of time. It’s easy to say it wasn’t my fault but yet my emotions tell me otherwise. It’s a constant battle.

@creative_writer totally, our emotions always take a bit longer. I think it's the whole 'reacting in this way prevented something bad in the past, now you're telling me to unlearn this?' - so like, by internally labelling myself as unloveable, I pushed others away, saving myself the pain of getting hurt when they eventually leave - but ending up painfully isolating and hating myself as a result.

Maybe your brain telling you its your fault is to say 'if it was my fault, then it was in my control, and so then I can control whether it ever happens again' or something like that. But then the side effect of that is shame, which can be so, so painful.

@Jynx it does become a mechanism of protecting yourself. I really want to prevent history from repeating itself but sometimes you have to accept that some things are not in your control. I also think my fear of rejection, fear of being misunderstood and even fear of feeling alone surrounded by people can cause me to withdraw from people and I end up really isolated. When I am my worst I tend to be my most vulnerable, I can’t handle being told I am overreacting and being too sensitive. I also find it infuriating when people don’t listen and want to jump straight into problem solving.

1000% @creative_writer that is spot on. And honestly I am sorry that the people who have been around you when you've felt vulnerable have said things like that - if they understood trauma responses, survival instincts, and how this shapes behaviour, they'd know that you're not overreacting, you're reacting in exactly the way that has protected you in the past. In fact, it technically is the most normal behaviour - because your survival system is working exactly as it should.

Awareness of these kinds of things is growing, but not quick enough - and yeah, that results in people going into problem-solving mode too soon. I like to offer folks, when they come to me in a vulnerable state, the choice - do you want to discuss or distract? Do you want space to vent, or practical advice? etc etc