Struggling: TW suicide

It sounds like you are getting close to getting it finished @creative_writer. I'm sure once you press that submit button you will feel relieved 🙂.

All the best with it!

FloatingFeather

@FloatingFeather just need to do the 10mins voice record right now, waiting until the lawn is mowed to minimise background noise. I’m dead tired and still considering whether to go to uni tom for classes since todays been a very rough one physically and mentally. But then I don’t know how productive I’ll be at home anyways or if I’ll spiral further into my mind. I probably should work on emotional expression though. It takes so much of me to pretend I’m doing fine emotionally. I also tend to suppress tears and prefer to let it out when I’m alone, which obviously doesn’t always work. I feel so unauthentic and so lonely. It’s like you’re hiding all this and nobody knows how much you’re struggling.

It sounds exhausting to keep up the facade that you are okay when you really don't feel that way @creative_writer. Do you feel there is anyone you can talk to about your true feelings? It would be a heavy burden to carry them on your own.

I understand what you mean about not wanting to go to uni when you are mentally and physically drained but perhaps it would be good for you? I have times when I am I'm exhausted and the last thing I want to do is go anywhere or be social but often I find when I do force myself to go it helps me to feel a bit more connected with society and can lift my mood a bit. Having said that, you know yourself the best and if you really don't feel up to it I understand that.

Hopefully you will get your voice recording done very soon - are you able to get some rest after that?

@FloatingFeather just finished the assignment and it’s submitted. I got my last one back, it turns out I didn’t mess it up so badly as I thought.

I wish it was easier to talk to people. It does feel really lonely to cry silently alone, but I hate being vulnerable. I feel like I used to be able to but now I am scared of burdening the friend I was the closest while she is adjusting to her new life. Uni is a bit strange in a way. But then I can’t really connect to people, maybe once I am able to find safety within myself it’ll be easier. I’m mostly worried about missing out on content and I don’t know if I would really study otherwise tom.

Hi @creative_writer,

Well done on getting your assignment submitted and big congrats that you did better than you expected on your other assignment!

I understand what you mean about being vulnerable - I find it difficult to be vulnerable too. I think you might be right when you say when we find safety in ourselves it may be easy to be vulnerable with others. I'm sorry that you find it challenging to talk to people. A close family member of mine has social anxiety and finds it very difficult to talk to people too so I have a bit of an understanding of how you feel. I think it's like a lot of things people find challenging - in the beginning its the most challenging but with practice and confidence it usually gets a little easier.

Do you feel okay to go to uni today? I hope you are feeling a bit better than yesterday. I also hope you give yourself kudos for getting your assignment done even though you weren't feeling too great.

Take care - wishing you a lovely day.

FloatingFeather

@FloatingFeather it’ll take a lot of work to move past the fear of vulnerability. I’ve been this way since I was a kid so change won’t be easy. I suspect my cptsd is feeding into social anxiety.

I didn’t go to uni today but will be doing zoom classes this week. Feel pretty non-functional right now, though the physical pain is a bit better.

I agree @creative_writer, it can take a lot of time and a lot of work to work through the fear of vulnerability - give yourself space and understanding. As you said you have been that way since you were a child. You could be right that your cptsd might be feeding into your social anxiety - is this something you could ask your therapist about next time you speak to them?

I'm glad to read that your physical pain is a bit better - thank goodness for Zoom classes. I think I did half my uni degree via Zoom.

Wishing you well,

FloatingFeather

@FloatingFeather it does sound like a good conversation to have with my psychologist when I see her next. I think feeling disconnected and not really emotional safe has been an issue for years. Had lots of childhood bullying and significant traumas during my earlier adult years. It hasn’t really ever made sense to really trust and rely on people.

I’m also considering linking with other services so I have support between appointments.

Might be good to see what your psychologist thinks about it @creative_writer. I find it interesting when I `connect the dots' going back over my life how much I recognise correlates with what I think, how I behave, how I respond etc.

I can understand what you mean when you talk about your past traumas as to why you have issues with trust. I just hope you find someone (hopefully even a few people) that you can trust as I really believe everyone has the right to feel that they can let their walls down and feel completely safe.

I think your idea around linking in with other supports between appointments is a really good one.

@FloatingFeather ideally it’s nice to have people to rely on but I’m always afraid of becoming too reliant on people that I’m more likely to keep people at a distance. I guess it’s what I’ve grown up with that it feels comfortable. It has made it harder to talk about my struggles with mental health.

I know there are specialised services for my particular of trauma. Psychologist sessions haven’t been enough, it’s hard when you have to wait a couple of weeks to a month.