Struggling: TW suicide

Maybe my expectations were too high. I've been on this mental health journey for such a long time and had some steps backwards. Healing f***ing hurts so much 😞 . I just want to go back to sleep, so tired, at least I won't have to think about the pain.

Waiting on chat with SCBS since I don’t have what it takes to call and I don’t want to be asked who I am on the phone with. It’s been a few mins, I don’t know how much longer I’m willing to wait. I did something weird yesterday, that exact behaviour has been a red flag in the past, I won’t elaborate on here. I am safe.

Now I have to wait for someone to answer the phone. I was deemed to high risk for chat 😫

I’m just going to have dinner and hope I feel better afterwards. I can’t wait on the phone for forever.

@tyme I’m microwaving cooked fish, may make frozen veg in microwave, and eat Lebanese bread. I better feel better afterwards. I hate waiting, especially since I already waited for a long time.

Do you know what you are having for dinner?

Tonight, @creative_writer , I had home made wontons with soba noodles and veges. It was just a quick simple dinner. I made the wontons a few weeks ago and froze them. Then my sister just whipped it together tonight.

I then had strawberries after.

Your dinner sounds yum as well! I do like fish. I bought some canned tuna and sardines for lunches. I also bought some smoked salmon to eat with cream cheese on a bagel.

@tyme simple dinner still sounds yum. I only really ever cook simple food because I guess I’m just not bothered.

I don’t think I’m going to be bothered to speak to SCBS on the phone today. I am okay. I don’t know what got to me yesterday to do what I did. At least I didn’t get far in the suicide plan and I stayed safe.

You are so brave @creative_writer - thank you for sharing.

I appreciate your honesty that you share not only your good days but your vulnerable days too.

Honesty, in the future, when you read back on your initial posts, you'll be able to track how are you have come.

As for dinner, do you cook or does your family cook for everyone?

@tyme life is incredibly strange. Sometimes I feel like I am going backwards. But my emotions have been so suppressed for so long and my meds isn’t doing a reasonable job to stabilise me right now either, or even help manage migraines. Chronic pain is infuriating me right now too. Like I don’t even understand, I’ll feel better in the morning pain wise, but straight after lunch I’ll get this really bad headache, and I have no idea why. It doesn’t even matter what I ate, it’s just been happening. I don’t use even understand the relationship between migraines and mood. Migraines cause mood disturbance, but mood disturbance can trigger migraine. Sounds more like a chicken and egg situation. Besides both things have common triggers/aggravate res like poor sleep. I feel like sleeping all the time these days, so I doubt my sleep quality is good. I swear most of my migraines have probably been me in an non average mood. Extreme emotions, whether negative or positive are not good for it. Strangely enough, one of my mood meds is also prescribed for migraines. There is a definite link.

It’s a mixture of both. I sometimes cook but sometimes I eat whatever they make. Sometimes I’m more bothered, other times not so much.