ChesterRoseCasual Contributor
Good morning, I'm new
TW: Mentions abuse
Hi everyone. I stumbled across this site and I am positive I was meant to be here. I am on the verge of getting in my car and just running away ... but I know running won't fix anything... so I don't run, I hide instead. My psychologist says that I have PTSD and I'm aware that I've had it most of my life. It's really become noticeable to me over the past few years. I'm unable to hold down a job, my relationship has completely fallen apart, I have a gambling addiction and I just feel like a shell of a person.
My eldest brother was killed in a science explosion at school when he was 13, I was 4. I didn't just lose my brother that day I lost my parents too, the grief destroyed them and changed our lives forever. My mother became an alcoholic and ended up in an abusive relationship, home life was pretty hectic. I was molested at the age of 6 by a friend of the family. My mother passed away when I was 16. I married and had 3 children. My husband was abusive and I finally left him when I was pregnant with my 3rd child. My third child was born with a brain malformation, he needed lots of care. My father passed away when I was 30. Years leaving my husband I met a wonderful man, 9 years younger. I was then diagnosed with cancer, my partner was so supportive and we were together for 7 years. Sadly one of my brothers passed away suddenly in 2015, I was in the middle of moving house. 2 months later my partner passed away suddenly in his sleep. Not long after I was diagnosed with stage iv lymphoma... my life had just been a blurr..somewhere in all of this I developed a pokies addiction. 3 weeks ago my niece passed away at the age of 32. I'm just emotionally unavailable. My current partner has no understanding of grief, or anxiety and depression. He tries to help but it just makes me more depressed... where do I start to heal and be happy? I just don't have strength or direction.
