So much is happening

Hi forumites

There is so much on my mind and so I need to type it out in order to move forward in life.

The past week has been intense in terms of emotions. Last weekend I hung out with my partner and we decided that it was going to work. Well we already had a bad exchange of messages 2 days ago. Sunday we are meeting and I am hoping it all gets clarified. I think it was an over reaction to my text. But I realsied too that I was worried of things developing too quickly. I think there is a lot of emotion that needs to be expanded and spoken about. Neither of us are interested in stupid games but I get the vibe that she wants me to available 24 7 for her. But again maybe I am being unrealistic with that interpretation.

All I know is that I need to state my intentions, my struggles, my issues. I want to hear from her. In her own words. I need to find out if she was mistreated in the past because I fear she may expect me to treat her the same - which I will not do !

Maybe her work is catching up with her and its taking its toll. It could all go south on Sunday. Or it could all go well. Idk.

I just want to be open and honest. I want to talk about my struggles too. At the moment I feel it's one way... I want to find out if any of the interactions we've had so far are actually genuine or fake. I had to get a secaul health check and I get the results today. I think this has also thrown me about a bit.. I hope I haven't got anything.

This morning I woke up and felt like I would never be better again. I contemplated hospital as it felt like this was the only place I could go to get any reprieve.

I have decided that it is an option if I need it. No doubts there. But that if I went today and stayed then I miss out on some things which are planned. I also think I'd get bored.

Yesterday I received some good news about a job - I got to the next level and so the next stage is next week. I am unsure if I can manage the role as the hours are long. But I am going to see how far I get through the recruitment stages.

I have decided that all the things on the job front are now done. So if I don't get any of the current roles then I will travel. I will take it as a sign from the universe that it is time to do this.

I think my dad is still cheating. Long ago he joined a gay app and I believe he has tried to keep this secret. I raised it with mum years ago and she said nothing to him. Idk. It's not my issue in the end. But it just plagues my brain a lot.

Coming to terms with trauma from my past (religious indoctrination) has been tough. Also the emotional abuse I suffered while I was there. It made me behave in such a way that wasn't who I really was. This traumatic experience has impacted me heavily.

My current work placement is given me the sh*ts. I feel ignored. I'm gonna message my manager and say I am taking this next week off. I think also too because it is online and

In terms of study abroad - I am tossing up if it's for me. The idea of being stuck in crazy living conditions in another country with people younger than me doesn't appeal to me. But in another light it really does. I need to come up with an action plan on that one and do so fast as deadlines are coming in.

I need to stop ruminating over past experiences. Whether these are good or bad.

That's all I can think of now.

I feel really crappy this morning. But listing things out has helped.

I will go and get a coffee and then come back and do whatever tasks I need to do.