Unsure of what to do next.

Evening @Enginegiant,

Firstly, yes you've got it right 😊 Congrats on your first post, we understand it can be difficult sometimes to reach out so it shows great strength that you've shared your story here with us.

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through in the past week, but it sounds like you went through quite a bit over the past five years too. Whilst I can't say that I share exactly the same experience, I know what it feels like to have lost a partner without understanding why. My ex lived with borderline personality disorder and would swing from one extreme to another, ultimately ending by them leaving me in a way that left me feeling quite devastated. It must be incredibly difficult for you that you'd also be facing those kinds of allegations, and hearing this from the police.

Do you have any professional support in place for yourself? I know when I experienced the aforementioned breakup it left me questioning my own mental health and I didn't know whether I was coming or going for a while there. A great therapist was able to guide me through the tough times. I hope that you have access to this kind of support too.

We have some wonderful Community Guides in the Forums, and I'll tag a few here who may be able to offer you a warm welcome: @Snowie @MDT @Shaz51 @HenryX @wellwellwellnez @Zoe7

If you ever need a moderator you can tag one like this @moderator and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to get in touch.

Hope you're having a great night.
Sirius

Thanks for your reply Sirius. At this point I have not heard that allegation from the Police. The source was a friend of my partner who she must have discussed the situation with. I did attempt to reach out to that individual as they are obviously in contact with my partner. That door is securely shut and I'll leave it well alone.

I spoke today to a mutual friend of my partner and myself who also suffers from PTSD (military service related) and has gone on some spectacular whizzers in his time, but is thankfully now very stable. His take based on his own experiences and his knowledge of my partner, was that she believed everything she was saying at the time, but has now come back to earth a bit and is surveying the carnage around her while blaming herself and believing that I must now hate her and that there is no way back. His advice, which I was pretty well following anyway, is to remain calm and reassure her (in response to contact initiated by her) that there is no hatred, no sin committed by her, that she has always got a home to come to and to talk to me when she feels able.

I do not regret in any way the events of the past 5 years. Yes, they were taxing at times, but her pain was far greater than mine. Yes, I did have to get my head around living with someone who had suicidal thoughts at times and quite impressive skills when it came to self harm. You think you've hidden all the sharp objects, but there's always one you miss somewhere. My partner bonded very closely with my parents and was an absolutely astounding support both to both in the days leading to my Mum's death from diabetic complications.

I do not believe there is a single ounce of malice in my partner's actions and in no way do I want to get rid of her. I do realise that as a male, I am convicted without evidence or trial by many, so I am treading very carefully.

As regards professional support. Nothing in place at present, but I do have a very trusted work colleague that I have confided in. While I'm not performing cartwheels of joy over the current situation, my tank's not empty just yet. I'm not hitting the booze or anything silly like that.

Just trusting that time and some quality care can bring things back on track.

Thanks for taking the time to listen.

Hi @Enginegiant It seems that you are making both wise and thoughtful decisions but that does not mean it does not really hurt. Your partner may need this space to be able to accept the help she needs. From my experience, having anyone else to think about when I was at my worst was too hard. I also began pushing away my fur babies which for anyone that knows me would not believe. My advice would be to do exactly what you are doing but also have supports around you. Your trusted work colleague sounds like a great support but having a professional support person in place also would add to your support network. Sometimes having someone completely impartial can also help us gain more perspective (although I think you have that covered in what you have written here so far).

The important thing for you right now is to look after yourself, take it a day at a time and work through whatever unfolds as it does.

@MDT

Funny you mention your experience with the girl that wanted you to be violent. My partner never wanted me to be violent in an intimate setting, or any other for that matter, but she did harbour quite an interest in bondage for a while. I was not at all comfortable with that, mainly due to her prior experiences in life. I always maintained that I wanted a lover who chose to be there, not one bound in chains. One day it came up in conversation and she mentioned that she no longer harboured those desires. I asked her why and she replied that it was something I said that she had thought about and decided it wasn't for her anymore. To this day, I don't know what I said to turn her off the idea.

I certainly take your points on board, and don't think I didn't ask myself for a brief moment if I should just let her go into the sunset. At this point, I will play the waiting game and see what develops. While it seemed like an eternity, it has only been 2-3 days and this is the first "major" event that she has experienced in 5 odd years.

I suspect my partner has been trying so hard to be good, to be well, to function, so as not to disappoint me or my family. Even the best of us can only maintain that facade for so long.

My partner did email me tonight and stated that she couldn't talk as she was really tired and she was hearing things, not knowing what to believe. At least the lines of communication are open.

I will not allow myself to be played and I know I'm not Superman, but I will also not execute a vulnerable woman in need. Everybody needs that one person who doesn't give up on them.

We shall wait and see.

Thanks to all who have posted, I feel a lot better about the overall situation than I did a few hours ago.

Hello @Enginegiant , thinking of you lots and sitting with you

Letting you know that you are not alone

How are you this morning

@Shaz51

I'm okay. Weather here today is a pain in the proboscis though, overcast and grey, won't rain properly, but enough drizzle to make outside an unattractive offer. I've been harrassed by the cat constantly (he normally has another cat plus my partner to torment - at the moment he's just got me yet wants the same attention 🙂 ). So far, I've fixed 2 cooking appliances, put a load in the dishwasher. Not sure what I'll do after lunch, but I've got no shortage of work/projects to attend to. My Son is meant to be visiting some time tomorrow.

I received an email from my partner last night and she seems to be winding down a little, at least I hope so. I hope that consisten one email a day I have been getting is a positive sign. She did mention that she keeps hearing things and doesn't know what to think, which suggests to me that she is still very fragile, but is trying to decipher reality from delusion.

She must have been in such a heightened state when she left on Wednesday. I only just noticed this morning that the gate to the dog run was left wide open and now I think about it, I'm fairly sure that the door to the house was not locked when I arrived home on Wednesday.

I cannot even begin to imagine the fear/terror/overload that someone in that state must experience.

Thanks for checking in on me.

Hi @Enginegiant and welcome to the Sane forums. I hope you find the support you are looking for here.

It sounds like you are doing everything in your power to help this person and going above and beyond.

Please look after yourself through all of this too. I am glad you have a friend you can confide in too. Hopefully that helps out you.

Take care

Hello @Enginegiant ,

and @Former-Member , @Zoe7 , @MDT , @Shaz51 , @Snowie

as well as other members reading and participating in this conversation

@Enginegiant, I do believe that the responses offered so far really cover a range of possible options that you may consider.

The events over the next week or so will be instructive with regard to the developments for your partner. It appears from your statement, "I received a message saying that she loved me but couldn't stay any longer and that she was sorry and she was putting herself in the care of the health professionals.", that there was a tension existing and possibly increasing for your partner. It may well have been that your partner has been trying to protect you from the effects of that internal tension.

In response to your implied question, in the title of your thread, "Unsure of what to do next." I do believe that you have done what would be considered appropriate in the circumstances. Sometimes, we need to allow others the space and time to sort out their issues. Having done so and, if the relationship is resumed, then hopefully it will be based on firmer foundations. Should that not be the case, it may be appropriate to 'let go', so that the other person can find whatever it is that they may need.

From a personal perspective, I can say that some of what you describe is familiar to me.

This lady, Dr. Kim Sage, offers qualified observations about her field of knowledge and expertise. While this particular video specifically relates to Borderline Personality Disorder, she covers a range of mental health issues. I believe that the content of her videos is valuable and much of the information provided can be generalised to other areas of mental health.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yD2reQcfQtA

I hope that you will be able to maintain your connection here in the forum, both to give updates on what happens and to enable members to offer their thoughts as you proceed.

With Best Wishes,

@HenryX

Not too much to report today.

I've gone over many things in my head today, trying to find anything that could have been taken as hostile or abusive. I cannot put my finger on anything. The reality is that we didn't really ever argue. In 5 years, I can only recall maybe 5 or 6 times we ever disagreed and they did not seem severe and as far as I'm aware, were put to bed really quickly on amicable terms. If I had/have done something wrong, I would much rather identify it so it can be fixed and in fairness, that is the way my partner worked as far as I know.

It occurred to me how problematic/dysfunctional the system is overall. Our GP is well aware of her conditions and history (it was me that introduced her to him and I have sat beside her during many consultations with him) and I'm listed as next of kin at the hospital, yet in a situation such as this, the drawbridge is raised and the forcefield turned on. Nobody talks to one another. I certainly understand the need to keep people safe and that there are those that abuse and stalk, but I feel somewhat deflated by the fact that within the blink of an eye, the person that has stood by through thick and thin, can be cut out of the whole equation, without anyone so much as speaking to them. While I don't know what it may be, what if I had the one vital piece of information that completed the puzzle and allowed the best care to be applied?

On the bright side, a mutual friend of ours did manage to speak very briefly to my partner on the phone tonight and while she was very teary, my partner was able to have a very brief conversation (suspect meds kicking in based on timing) and it seems that she is possibly starting to come down a little. Still a very long way to go though.

I guess we play the waiting game.

I'm not focussing on the relationship ending at this point, although that unfortunately is one of the potential outcomes if that is her decision. Whatever my personal feelings, I have to be a solid rock for my partner and to remain constant. I cannot let her sense my discomfort lest it trigger her to blame herself or decide that I'm better off without her. This will be a lengthy process.

Will keep you posted.