How to talk to family

Hey @BlueBay I’m real sorry that your in this situation and that by sharing with some of your family you were felt feeling invalidated and as though no one cares. Some people really just don’t know how to respond to comments and conversations about mental health, which is really sad.

I know it would be hard, but I wonder if you can try again and tell your family what you need from them? Whether that’s just feeling heard and listened to? Or a hug? Or something else? Sometimes that’s what people need, clear instructions.

im not a good communicator with my family either, I keep it all to myself, cause I don’t want to burden them with more worries and it’s just plain awkward.

I hope that you will give it another go.

🎀

Hi @BlueBay

My heart really goes out to you ❤️ what you're sitting with is real and very relatable.

Sometimes it feels like sharing our feelings/dark thoughts with loved ones is prescribed as something that will go seamlessly and bring relief and connection, but, it can be a deeply difficult conversation, where people on either side of the convo may feel scared, confronted and panic in not knowing what to say, so maybe they say nothing at all.

I like @Bow's suggestion of trying to share what you need from them, to help them understand what it means to you and to feel less unprepared/helpless themselves.

It sounds like sharing emotions is new in your family, uncharted territory! And there is significant reason for that. I can only imagine how hard that feels ❤️

I wonder if it’s helpful to consider that you’ve been practising articulating and communicating your feelings all this time, right here with us 😊 I know it’s very much not the same, but it’s definitely significant.

Hi @Former-Member @Bow

I struggle to talk about me and my feelings or even what I would like eg hug.
I think there’s fear. Fear of rejection.
because when I told my parents about my childhood sexual abuse I was literally thrown out and rejected. I was yelled at. I was being open and honest and I was treated like that. And they didn’t talk to me for 4 years.

I'm vulnerable atm. I think also that we had my mother in law live with us for 20 yrs. I’m that time if she showed emotions like crying hubby would get angry with her and tell her to stop crying.
i remember a few years ago I was really upset and he told me to shoosh!!

so I am scared

I’m anxious

i just can’t talk

how bad am I??

Really feel for you @BlueBay you have had many experiences where you have been vulnerable, open and honest and you have been shut down and told to be quiet. That’s really rough and it’s no wonder you are now scared to do the same.

i really hope that despite your family perhaps not being able to hold that space for you, that you continue to talk here and also to your professional supports. You deserve to be heard.

Thanks @Bow xxoo

I really hear that @BlueBay ❤️

It makes a lot of sense, from all you have been through and witnessed, that it feels really hard to feel safe to express your emotions and your truths to family. You did a pretty incredible thing for yourself, giving it a go. And who knows, maybe some time down the track you might try it again, but its ok to say - not today. It’s ok to know that you feel too vulnerable and unable to talk today. But I’m so pleased that you continue to speak here. Know that I’m sending you hugs and sitting with you in that 🌻

Thanks @Former-Member for your support.
i feel I’m at a loss.

I feel that @BlueBay ❤️ go gently with yourself today knowing that you are feeling hurt and vulnerable. My shift is ending soon, just so you know, so another lovely mod will be on to take care.

Sitting with you, warmest 🌻

@BlueBay I am so sorry you were invalidated in such massive, traumatic ways 😞

And that you made a huge effort to tell your family recently and got no response 😞

I know that some people (my father for instance) can't /won't deal with MI so turns it around on me and blames me.

I wonder if you could treat your family as babies in terms of knowing how to deal with MIs (whether they are or not), and write them a letter, going back to basics, something like:

"I am suicidal a lot of the time."

"It doesn't help when you ignore what I tell you about my mental health."

"I find it damaging when you don't respond."

"I need you to listen and tell me that you've heard me afterwards."

"If you don't know how to respond, please tell me that you don't know how to respond."

"I am doing my best to get help for my mental health, but I find it damaging when you ... , ....., ....., ....."

"I am in a dangerous place with my mental health and I want to commit suicide. I would really value your help in these ways....., ....., ....., ....."

And even maybe:

"Sometimes I feel that you would be better off if I did commit suicide. Is this true?"

(I have never heard that a family thought they were better off when the person did commit suicide. The family is always devastated.)

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If any of this is not helpful, @BlueBay , please ignore.

Sending hugs and💙

I can empathise @BlueBay . It's so hard to talk to your family about mental health. I am good with my husband and kids but growing up could never tell my mum and dad anything about my anxiety.

My husband is pretty in the dark about what it's like to have any mental health issues. He's pretty calm and has a 'just don't worry' attitude. I like to 'enlighten' him my sending him little snippets of info about anxiety. Like articles that are titled '5 things not to say to someone with anxiety'. I've also send him stuff 'What men need to know about menopause' lol. He is becoming very educated and much more understanding.

I think it helps to just open up little my little that way you feel like you're not overwhelming the person or being a burden (not that you are but I know we folks sure can feel that way).

Hugs

Hanami