Hi all

Hi @Ausgirl

It's great to have you on the forums, welcome.

Recovery is always the best option, even if it seems impossible. Keep that little bit of hope alive that recovery is possible.

Christheart

Hey @Ausgirl welcome to the forums! I'm one of the moderators, just popping by to welcome you and to say whoooo boy I can relate! Recovery is a gnarly journey, full of all sorts of twists and turns. But I hear that you are determined and doing some awesome stuff to try to break those old habits that are no longer serving you.

You are totally worthy of recovery! And it is really awesome to join a community like this one, who can remind you of that fact for those times when it becomes hard to believe.

You can always tag the online moderator if you're in need of some extra support by typing the @ symbol then typing moderator and selecting it from the dropdown list so you get this - @moderator

Hope you find what you're looking for here 💜

@Ausgirl Hi, it's nice to meet you! That sounds like a really difficult place. I totally get that you'd resist the restrictions placed on you in terms of treatment and recovery. I think it's often easier to do what we're used to: there's something comforting about staying where you are. And change is really difficult and takes a lot of energy, and sometimes it feels like it's not even possible, anyway. I guess the thing is that staying where you are is really tiring, too. I'm probably older than you and I can say that as you go on it also gets harder to keep going without feeling some kind of hope. I think it's great that you reached out and talked a bit about how you're feeling.

I hope that you can hang on to that feeling that maybe things will get a bit better 🙂

Thanks for that, @DefGif I appreciate it. I've been dealing with these demons for 24 years, so unfortunately it's not my first rodeo... Things have been particularly hard though the last two years.

@Jynx got any suggestions on what to do when 'the voice' gets out of control, takes over and you self-sabotage? 😞 😭

@Ausgirl Have you got a lil pile of coping tools in your tool belt? Or are we talking it's too late to use those and you're in a spot where you need aftercare?

I think in terms of both, one thing to keep reminding yourself of is that this is a process, a journey, and will take time. A lapse is not a failure, it is part of it. Maybe this time you didn't go as far, and that is progress. Maybe this time you didn't get as angry at yourself afterwards, and that is progress. Maybe it was as bad as it always is, but you tell yourself you will try again tomorrow. Still progress.

You cannot shame yourself into a better version of you - this was one of the hardest lessons I ever learned my own self, because we can get into thinking habits that become so deeply ingrained that it's hard to separate ourselves from them. So practicing acceptance and self-forgiveness and self-compassion are super important.

Hope this helps. Be gentle with yourself 💜

@Jynx I'm ok at the moment, just looking for other things to add to the toolbox as I've got a big couple of days coming up (going back under the care of my former GP- had a massive fall out after she wanted me admitted in Feb so I told her where to go- self sabotage- 🤦‍♀️🥴😬- she'll be "keeping tabs" alongside my case manager) so I'm scared on seeing them again on Tuesday. Also scared because of how cm is now also working alongside them that I can't really be honest on how I'm really doing mentally- in case "it's too much".

You mentioned acceptance- I did ACT last year, and compared to both CBT & DBT found it to be the most useful. However, the hard part is the "doing" it when triggered (which is so easy with the BPD & C-PTSD🤦‍♀️😔🤬) as "ignoring it" is so much easier (and more comfortable) to deal with.

Anyway, I just wanted to respond before heading off to bed.

Thanks @Ausgirl - hope you can get some rest 💜

Definitely relate on the difficulty in enacting the coping tools when triggered. Something that helped me was to remember that trauma is habit-forming, because we find safety in what is familiar - even when that familiar thing is no longer serving us. So sometimes the hardest thing is to engage in unfamiliar, helpful behaviours when heightened. Like any skill, it takes practice - but the more we do it, the more familiar it then becomes.

All the best on your journey 🤞

Hi and welcome, @Ausgirl ! Well done for being brave enough to join the forums 🙂

You do have some challenging things to deal with. I wonder if you'd be interested in this thread? The Butterfly Room - ED support

I'm also going to tag @BPDSurvivor for their great insights.

You can also type any topic into the Search bar above for threads on that topic.

I hope you find the forums supportive!

Thanks for the link, @NatureLover I'll check it out.

Hi @Ausgirl !

Welcome to the forums! I'm so glad you have found us, and I hope you will find these forums as helpful as I did when I was recovering.

EDs are quite common as a co-morbidity of BPD. I have found that specialists tend to deal with the ED - possibly because it can be seen as most harmful? Hence, there is limited focus on what is causing the ED in the first place (most likely the emotional instability that comes with BPD).

From experience, when the turmoil caused by BPD was focused on and 'treated', the symptoms of ED slowly ceased.

I'm not sure for you @Ausgirl , but in the past, when something 'bad' happened, and I felt emotionally out of control, the ED patterns increased. Is this the same for you?

As part of treatment, I was taught elements of CBT, DBT and ACT. I found DBT helped me understand my behaviours, while ACT enabled me to accept that which I could not change. However, my main, overarching therapy was MBT (mentalisation-based therapy). I had group therapy and individual therapy each week for over 18 months. As part of this, I had 6 weeks of specialised psychotherapy. Did MBT help? YES, indeed! It was intense therapy, absolutely out of my comfort zone, but it taught me to think in more helpful ways, as well as allow me to practice mentalising (thinking about the way i think). It didn't feel like much was happening over the course of 18 months, but upon completing MBT, I realised my thinking had changed. Through practising mentalisation in group therapy, we learnt to slow-down our emotions so that we gradually increased the time upon feeling and acting (impulsivity reduced).

I'm not saying MBT therapy was 'pleasant', but it did the trick. So any recovery does not feel good (as you have probably already felt). It is about working OUTSIDE our comforts. But if you're ready for it, you'll go a long way.

Also, with the ACT skills and any therapy skills, it is about practise. If you practise these skills when you are 'well', only then will they work when you really need it. So in other words, it's not about just knowing a skill and expecting it to work when you are most triggered etc. I learnt this the hard way. thought I could be 'good' at it without practice. Boy, was I wrong!

All the best with your recovery @Ausgirl - it's the best feeling ever!

Hi @NatureLover - thanks for the tag!

Also tagging @Bow @Judi9877 @LostOne71 @MsManaged .

Feel free to go to Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script - I'm going to add a few resources there. Project Air and Spectrum are running free groups for people with BPD.

BPDSurvivor