I can’t cope

I’m sitting amongst plants @lavenderhaze. Maybe they will miss me soon. But the card is still outside my room. So maybe not. I haven’t signed back in though.

One of the girls is checking to see if my Pdoc has bought in her therapy dog. She hasn’t come back yet so maybe not

Moving is the worst. All that packing and mess then the unpacking and mess when you’re at the other side.

Aw I hope someone comes out soon to check in on you or you feel better enough to go inside @Captain24.

That's good, plants are very helpful in feeling a little grounded and calmer - we need nature.

Oh yay, cuddles from a dog would be so good, hope it's visiting soon if not today 🙂

Yeah exactly haha it's a lot of work and takes a lot of time but oh well, I hope I am on the other side soon!

Sending lots of love to you @Captain24 I am in your corner with you and I think you are doing amazingly well in such a setting. You can do this!

Thanks @Eve7

I had my Pdoc dog for a while. We played for a bit in his play room. It was good to play with a pup even though his head is bigger than all of Jett.

I just left the last group it was all too hard. A nurse walked me around the grounds to help settle me.

Now I’m sitting by my car. I told them under no circumstances where they to give me my car keys as I couldn’t be trusted.

This place is bringing up so much stuff. My instant reaction is to flee. What is wrong with me. Why can’t I get my shit together. My anxiety is sky high. I’ve had prn already and I’m only allowed one a day. I need more. I need something to calm down my out of control anxiety.

This anxiety is really hurting me physically and mentally. It’s bringing me so unstuck.

I was going to go for a walk in the bushes but there are leeches in there.

I don’t know what I need to do. I need to calm down. My breathing is out of control and I can’t control it.

Hey @Captain24 - I can understand why you're feeling so out of sorts hun. It's still early days, and you've basically been holding everything in for a really long time. It's okay that it's all coming out in a big flood!

Try to focus on your breathing, as the very first thing. In sharp for 4 counts, hold for 5, then slowly let it out for 6-8 counts. It will help, just gotta stick with it for four or five breaths, so that your heart rate starts to slow.

In 4,

hold 5,

out 7...

You will be ok hun. Is there a nurse or other staff member around you could ask to sit with you for a bit?

It’s dinner time @Jynx so its quite busy. I don’t even know what to say. I’m sitting outside alone. I don’t even know what to say to you.

You don't have to have anything to say @Captain24 - I'm still here with you regardless. Want some distraction chats?

I’m struggling really badly @Jynx. But you will be proud of me.

I was in the dining room and the nurse that’s been helping took me to the staff smoking area and we chatted a bit. I told her I wasn’t safe. So I’m now not longer allowed to go out. I had prn earlier in the day and that’s a one only day med. so she gave me my night prn.

I’m borderline having a break down. So they gave me the whole cold shower, distraction and breathing suggestions. If I have settled in an hour they are going to call my Pdoc to get approval for more. It turns out that after my breakdown earlier that did call my Pdoc. She said that this happens at the beginning. It’s a case of getting worse before getting better. I said to the nurse can it get much worse and she laughed and said she thinks I’m at the bottom. They are lovely.

I can’t believe how much I have reached out today. It’s massive. From using one of my cards. To allowing help when I broke. Also knowing when I need to step away.

@Captain24 oh I am proud of you! I can imagine you'd really be battling your instincts with it all; the instinct to run, the instinct to hide away and hide your feelings, the instinct to keep everything bottled up. Big kudos for rising to the challenges! I concur with the idea that it's normal for you to be feeling this way, to breakdown/feel really overwhelmed with it all. It's a whole new environment, which naturally puts us on edge anyway. So like, there's an internal conflict between logic-brain knowing that this is a safe space specifically designed to support you, and instinct-brain feeling like you're in unfamiliar territory and it needs to be on alert.

So glad you got lovely, understanding nurses and staff about! Makes a huge difference hey. I hope they can get your meds sorted and approved as needed, and I reckon things will get easier the longer you're there. Breathe into it all, you're where you ought to be, and deserving of the support you're getting 💜