I can’t cope

Yes @Captain24 ! And the dog/s always seem to poop in the same place on my front nature strip. I HATE it! Sometimes I wait in the car so I can see who the dog and owners are. But I havent caught them yet. Sometimes, I'm thinking to nail a board which remind owners to pick up their dog's doggie do. But then I think people might think I'm a nasty little old hermit lady who hates the world... you know the ones you see in movies?

As for speaking to the MH team, I think it's great that they've come to that conclusion. Put it this way, the public system does not put people in an inpatient unit if they feel like it or for fun. They'd rather send people out to visit them and support them in the community. This is definitely healthier than restricting people. However, when there is danger or risk involved, then yes, they do have to step in.

Whatever it is, I can see you have so much going for you. I'm quite impressed how far you have come. Yes you've had down times, but you've also leapt over many hurdles.

This is just another one of them...

And...hrm... I will have to remember to do my exercise. I'm glad you've been on a walk everyday. It's great! I'm feel lazier than ever... I'm so glad I have you to encourage me to walk!

The crazy dog poop lady! @tyme

My recent dark patch has given them and me concerns for my safety. But she is hoping that going back to work tomorrow will give me some respite from

my thoughts. We touch base again Monday morning before I go to bed for night shift. After discussion she believes admittance would be more detrimental to my MH.

I have come a long way. I have a team, a diagnosis and working towards getting meds sorted. I just have to keep hanging on.

I needed a release tonight so I tried watching a sad movie but I still couldn’t cry to get it out. So I found other ways. What’s done is done.

I will try and walk when I get home but that’s not until 8pm so I may wimp out! Lol

Nooo... The crazy OLD dog poop lady! @Captain24 .

Everyone in the street will be scared of me lol.

I'm glad your MH team can see that an admission may be detrimental to your MH.

Come to think of it, I don't think I've cried in ages. Like, it's not that I'm looking to cry, but I seriously just don't anymore... oh, but I did have tears in my eyes when I jammed my thumb in a door! But I can't call that crying.

I sort of felt desensitised to sadness.. is this because of meds I'm taking? Who knows? I do however, get angry though.... or shall I say annoyed with people. I'm not sure I feel happy either. Emotions are funny things. But one thing I know, I love life and I wouldn't want things to change. This is different to being 'happy'.

And I look forward to going for a country drive in 2 weeks time. Have a few days break.

Actually, one thing that does make me happy is when I see my nieces and nephews. They bring me so much joy. They are hilarious (but that's coz I don't live with them). It's good when you can hand back kids to people esp when they are grumpy, or sick.... hence maybe dogs are better lol.

How's Pixie going? Btw, what breed is Pix?

Pix is a long haired chihuahua @tyme

So yes a little yapper, lucky she is cute!

Im usually someone that cries at anything remotely sensitive but for the last couple of months nothing makes me cry. It’s like I have no sad emotion at all. I just thought a good cry would help. Yeah I don’t think the door counts! Lol

I am finding I do get agitated and frustrated easily.

A few days break in the country sounds nice and relaxing. Are you going by yourself?

My sister's family might come a long and meet me in the country @Captain24 . They may even stay a night or so. Who knows?

And with crying, I used to cry at everything! I'd sit there and just burst into tears... I think it was the depression? Now, as I said, I don't cry. I have felt fear/anger/agitation though. So I'm not entirely emotionless...

A lot of work my therapist had to do was to help me understand that there are no such things as good or bad emotions. Emotions are just emotions. I was brought up to believe that emotions were categorised into good and bad. So that if I felt jealous, angry, agitated etc, it meant I was a bad person.

One day, a specialist senior clinician asked me, "Are you jealous?" (of another one of his clients). That was a really strange question for me. Come to think of it today, I think I was. But of course, back then, I said no - this was because I was taught that jealousy was a 'bad' emotion.

I just find it so interesting that our upbringing can have such a hold on us.

That’ll be nice for you. Hopefully you’ll enjoy the kids and not fight with your sister! Lol.

The way you are raised can do a lot of damage. If I was anything but happy I would cope heaps. Usually if I was crying I’d get hit so I’d have something to cry about.

When depressed I cry a lot but this darkness is not like depression it’s really like being an hollow empty shell with constant dark horrible thoughts. I don’t think that really explains it well.

You have explained it very well @Captain24 . It doesn't feel like depression. It's an emptiness and a void. A lack of identity. One of my (past) classic symptoms. Is that what you mean?

Yes @tyme it feels like I’m totally disconnected from myself. It’s like I’m looking from the outside in and I don’t even exist. It’s a really odd feeling. I think that’s what is encouraging me to end it as I feel like Im not here anyway

Sounds like the living dead @Captain24 . I hear you. Makes sense.

On the other hand, knowing that people like me have also been in that space and have somehow come out of it...that hopefully gives you a glimpse of hope.

Remember, thinking about suicide doesn't mean that you've suicided. Remember, it's a thought. I also think of suicide a lot - but I have no intent at all. Having the thought doesn't make us the action.

Sitting with you. Remember you are not alone in this. Also, you are still at the beginning of getting your meds sorted. It takes a while and can be tough, but hopefully, once it's stabilised, you'll begin to see a stark difference. Just hang in there my friend.

It does give a glimmer of hope @tyme.

I have to sort a few things out and have put a plan in place to remove the temptation. Crossing that line is getting closer. It would be so much easier. I don’t think anyone realised how close I’m getting.

I am trying to hang on, knowing that this is the start of recovery and I need to give it a chance.