I can’t cope

I still can’t sleep.. this life just feels too much for me right now. The struggle is so hard. I know I just keep going around in the same circles but I just can’t help it. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t have the strength or the energy to do it.

I am safe as I don’t have anything left in me to act on anything

@Captain24I'm glad you are not in immediate danger, really hanging out for you getting the support you need, you are so close! It is getting through work today and then talking to parents with CM tomorrow?

Dealing with this stuff is an immense accomplishment and you have managed to put things in place to help. Just surviving is enough sometimes.

@Captain24 💕

Thanks for your support @Snowie @creative_writer @Acanthiza

I know I’m really not making it easy for you all.

I managed to go to work and finish the day. That was huge on hardly any sleep.

I don’t feel real good though. I’m just so exhausted that my mind is going off into unwanted tangents. It’s really deep and dark But I guess as @Jynx says. I’ve gotten through it 100% of the time before.

Just today I don’t know if I want too.

@Captain24 Good stuff, getting through your work day! And on no sleep and everything, oof!

I can understand that feeling, especially because of the onset of exhaustion 😞

Maybe some distraction could help? Or something crafty, keep your hands busy and your mind just occupied enough that your thoughts aren't drifting to those tangents?

I’m in pretty deep @Jynx. I am just sitting on my lounge. Wishing everything to just stop.

OMG.. as I’m writing this.. the delightful little Jett has just come running into the lounge room all tangled up in my bra!

At least that’s a smile I guess!

When I untangle Jett I think maybe I should just go to bed. Medication free. It’s for the best. I don’t really see any other way. Plus I don’t want to be that person on that same cycle everyday. Even though I know I am. I hate it.

I don't want you to give up on me like I’ve given up on myself.

Hahaha omg @Captain24 that image is hilarious!! Aww Jett, thank you for the mischief lil guy, that got me smiling along with you as well 😊😂😁

I hope that you're able to get off to sleep okay darlin, and don't you worry, I will never give up on you! I'm 1000% serious when I say that I have faith that you will get through this; with every fibre of my being I believe in you.

And I know my words to be true cos I can feel a lot of very passionate, fiery energy rising up in me right now. It's like a warm flood of compassion and care, and I'm sending these vibes right on out into the universe, ready to come crashing down around you, like a big ball of pure empowerment. Hopefully you feel the vibes embracing you as you're drifting off to slumber land tonight 💜

I am so exhausted but it seems as though my mind doesn’t want to sleep @Jynx.

Ive been processing my Pdoc appointment from last week. I think I messed up. I think my cm may step back. I think she may give me to someone else. I don’t know if she realises how hard it has been to let myself be so open with her. That’s taken a lot of time. I hope I didn’t mess up. I hope she doesn’t give up on me again. I hope she can help me with my parents. Before she gives up. My parents are going to hate me. They are going to be disappointed in me. They are going to guilt trip me. Why don’t I ever think of them? Why do I always put myself first? How embarrassing, what are they suppose to tell people? I can hear it all already.

What about my babies. What if I can’t find anyone. They are my only

lifeline. I don’t think people get how much of a lifeline they are. I hope someone can help me at puppy preschool. If not then I guess it’s just not meant to be.

Maybe it’s too hard and I’m not meant to get help. Even work is making it hard. I have a training day with work while I’ll be away. All I’ve said to them is that I’m going away. But they want to know where since I’ll be gone for so long. I know it’s none of their business but they want me at this day. But I don’t have to be if I’m on leave.

So much running through my head.