I can’t cope

T/W Ed behaviours

Thanks @Jynx @hanami.

I feel like I’d been a problem but I do appreciate you both saying that.

My appointment went extremely well. I was so scared to go in there. I was stressing about how she would react. But she was fantastic. I’ve felt connection with her before but today was so much different and so much better.

She just brushed over my attempts and asked what was happening in my head at that time.

She also agrees with everyone else that I have an ED. However she did explain a lot of thing’s differently. I do have to try harder. Especially since I have moved my goal. It’s affecting my medication absorption. Until I sort it out and get myself through it, we can’t look at med changes. She wants regular blood tests and regular blood pressure taken.

She said that I need to work with my psychologist differently. She understands the focus on my ED as it is really serious. The Pdoc is extremely concerned. But we also need to get to the root of the rest of my issues.

I didn’t tell her about last night though. So I wasn’t completely open but I just couldn’t. I had already disappointed her enough.

She is really getting to know me. Knowing I have no self worth and hate myself. It was actually good to hear someone just say it rather than tell me otherwise.

My CM has asked if I want her to talk to my psychologist and I said yes. So I’ll see where that goes.

I do feel very tired, vulnerable and drained right now. I have been for a walk as well though.

@Captain24 aww wow, what a big appointment. Thanks for sharing it all with us. It sounds like she's really switched on, and talking to you straight - which I think is super valuable. Sometimes we need to hear the hard stuff, and we need it said without any fluff. I'm glad you've got her on your team.

I think it's okay to have just had one focus for today. You can always make a note to bring up last night stuff the next appt, or bring it to your psych. One step at a time you know?

Very normal to be feeling a little brittle and drained. Hope the walk was super nourishing, and you take it super slow tonight. You got anything you can focus on? Some journalling to help you process, or a nice distraction?

The walk was good @Jynx. I now need to do it more often if I do what we agreed on with my diet. Especially as it’s good for Pix to get out too even though she has to be in the pram and can’t walk a step. She tried to trick me today in making out she needed to go to the toilet. I knew she didn’t as I took her out before we left! Little devil :angry_face_with_horns:

My diamond art that I have to do for a friend has arrived and I need to get it done asap. So it does feel more like a chore but it’s something I need to do.

I also spoke to HR today. They have given me some guidance with how to

move forward from here and who to talk to. If I don’t get an acceptable response I'm to contact the other HR manager. The one I was talking to does underground the other does open cut. But they both discuss me so I’m sure the other one knows by now anyway.

Also I told my CM and Pdoc that I bought an air fryer. They laughed and said I need to get it out of the box and use it. It was quite funny as it is still in the unopened box! Lol

How has your day been?

@Captain24 hahaha Pix is a smart cookie! They're so cheeky right? My cats have me wrapped around their little toe beans lol.

Aww I hope that the diamond art ends up being enjoyable, and not just a chore.

Hey nice one on talking to HR! Never easy to do so hey. Hopefully it results in a favourable outcome for you.

Lol I have an air fryer too! I do use it juuuust frequently enough to keep it around, but not like every day. It's actually amazing for reheating food - especially stuff like chips that don't do well in the microwave. I actually discovered an amazing snack - pop some proscuitto in there! Comes out all crispy, soooo good.

My day has been pretty chill, just been doing some lil crafty projects and watching the Lord of the Rings. Probs should get out for a walk too at some point.

Yeah she has me wrapped around her ‘little toe beans’ too @Jynx That is making it so hard for me to leave her locked up. Im sitting on the lounge and those cute little eyes a pleasing at me to let her out.

I was doing the diamond art but decided to watch tv instead. I have put the pressure on myself that it must be done by Christmas. I think I need to lessen the pressure that I keep putting on myself. I really hate what I do to myself but can’t seem to stop. There isn’t any reason for a time frame.

Chill days are good. I don’t know about the lord of the rings though! I hope you can fit a walk in. Im sitting on my fit ball.

Any plans for tomorrow?

@Captain24 the eyes! So hard to deny! But in the end you gotta, no matter how much it pulls on the heartstrings haha.

Mm that internal pressure can be so tricky to navigate. But something that has helped me is like, picturing the outcome - so for your situation, I'm guessing this is a gift for xmas? Picture in your mind what your friend would say if it was gifted in Jan or even Feb. Or maybe picture how you'd feel if someone gave you a gift late because they needed to focus on their MH, would you be mad? Helps me when I need to work through my anxiety, reminding myself that it's far more likely to work out than not.

Have you never seen LotR? Totally fine if not, it's quite long haha. But it's one of my favs of all time, such an epic!

Managed to get a walk in during my break! Was super nice in the park, just cool enough to wear a hoodie and catch the last of the afternoon sun too. Tomorrow not much on, will be here as per usual in the evening, might spend the morning doing some chores around the house. What about you?

I just picked her up to take her out to the toilet and I hurt her. She yelped @Jynx. I feel so bad and so sick to think I have hurt her. Plus I’m scared that I have damaged her.

It’s not even for Christmas, it’s just a photo she wanted done for her husband.

No.. I haven’t seen it and don’t think I ever will. I haven’t seen Harry Potter either. I tried watching pirates of the Caribbean with my ex but I fell asleep every time! Also I haven’t seen Star Wars!

Im glad you got a walk in and the weather was good for it.

I’ll do some stuff around the house in the morning and then I’ll sleep for the afternoon as I have to go to work tomorrow night. Even though I really really really don’t want to.

I nearly did it again @Jynx 😢

@Captain24 but you didn't, and that's what matters. Can you take some steps to make your surroundings safer hun? Sitting with you whilst you do so 💜

Aww it's so hard when weaccidentally hurt our furry little friends - but I am sure she's fine. Just keep an eye for odd behaviour, and hopefully she'll be all good.

Haha fantasy and sci-fi isn't for everyone! I'm very much an escapist myself, always neck-deep in some fantasy world or other.

I hope work isn't too hectic for you hun, fingers crossed 🤞

It’s pretty hard @Jynx. All I can say on here is it’s hard to move them.

Pix seems ok. She is sleeping now but she was panting and chasing her leg for about a minute. I’ll be glad when I see the rehab specialist next Wednesday and she can tell me how she is really doing and if we have damaged her.

Yeah sci-fi is definitely not my thing. Im a typical female, love rom coms, dramas and some true stories.

I hope work is ok. I desperately don’t want to go. It’s causing anxiety. I haven’t felt this fear about work in 6 yrs. Yes I’ve had bad days and not wanted to go but this is completely different and so much worse.