I can’t cope

@Jynx Whacky sleep can sure mess with us! And it’s amazing how too much sleep can actually make us feel groggy.

my ankle is feeling better. I decided to get on my bike yesterday… so badly needed to move my body, see how my ankle felt and it was fine. I haven’t been on my bike for ages… so I am sore from that too. Went to get on the bike again today and my backside was way too sore! So I gave the tready a go and went super slow. Hopefully I don’t pay for it tomorrow with my ankle.

D is sick today 😩 high fever, chills. Hoping it’s a short lived virus and not a week off school like the last couple of times.

Yeah it's wild hey @Bow! So weird that our brains are basically Goldilocks when it comes to sleep, and there's just soooo many things in our modern lives that can disrupt it!

I'm glad your ankle feels better, hopefully you can pace yourself though cos our muscles definitely need time to readjust!

Aww poor lil thing! Yeah viruses are nasty, I hope she recovers swiftly.

Goldilocks when it comes to sleep!…. Love that @Jynx yes so true.

oh yep, I will certainly pace myself… much rather pace myself and go slow and gentle and let it continue to heal and be able to move my body than overdo it and hurt it more. My mood shifted so much yesterday when I released I could get on the bike and my ankle be ok. It had been nearly 2 weeks.

@Jynx I found out yesterday that my fairly useless CM is very pregnant.

@Bow oh hectic, what does this mean for you? Will you get a different CM?

I would assume so @Jynx. Either someone already there or her replacement.

I toyed with the idea of asking for a new CM cause she’s been so terrible… but now knowing that it will eventually happen I’m super anxious about having to change.

@Bow I can understand the nervousness, but it's clear that this CM is not the right fit for you. Perhaps she will go on mat. leave and you will have someone new, and you can ask to keep that new person. Buuuut perhaps it's better to talk about it now, in case it doesn't work out that way. What do you feel most nervous about?

Change is so hard @Jynx having to get to know someone new. Building that trust again. It’s still an ongoing process with my new psychologist.
My current CM USE to be good. She seemed to have some kind of understanding of eating disorders, like she knew what to keep an eye out for. Not a lot of mental health professionals have that understanding and that’s really important to me. She use to check in with me all the time, visit, make arrangements for me to come see her, attend my appointments. Like she use to do all that. She use to be supportive. I really don’t understand what went so wrong. Well I know when it all start… but it just doesn’t make sense to me.
So much has happened over the last couple of years, it’s bringing someone new up to speed all over again.
I’ve had a change in psychologist this year, a change in support worker, although that has been a positive change, it’s still getting to know and trust someone new. My pdoc told me ages ago that she was leaving at the end of the year, I don’t know if that’s still the case cause she going on leave for the whole of November. I actually really don’t cope well with change… no matter how big or small it is.

@Bow yeah that is a lot of change this year! Can understand why you are hesitant to invite more. Hmm so there was a particular turning point? Have you spoken to her about it, and about the differences in care that you've noticed?

Yep, I feel there was a turning point @Jynx .,,, or at least to me there was. I noticed it. July. Had just got out of hospital after my 7 week stay for ECT, my psychologist was on leave, it was the day of a significant trauma anniversary and she was really the only other person around that I could reach out to that I felt safe to do so. I sent her a text explaining what that day was for me. She called me and drilled me… asking why I told her that information. She made me feel terrible, that she was not someone I could talk to.
Ever since then things have changed.

I haven’t talked to her directly about it. I have mentioned it to my psychologist and other people. I’ve told numerous other people at comm mh that things have changed and she’s not supportive anymore.

I felt like and got the impression that we were going to talk about things. She made an appointment to see me. I turned up to it and she was off sick. I didn’t want to speak with anyone else and walked out pissed off.

She’s made no other real effort. And now I find out she’s pregnant. Is that excuse?

Sorry to jump in guys. I haven’t read back. I’ve just gotten home @Jynx

Im not sure if what I’m about to say is allowed or not but I need to get it all out.

My brother is the biggest piece of shit. His arrogance tops it all off. All he did was put shit in me. Big notes himself in the process. Made up bullshit stories to make himself look rebellious. Then bagged me because I didn’t do any of the things he made up. Mum just validated him on all of it. I’m just the stupid daughter and stupid sister. Mum even said that he was so match smarter than I was at school. I then pointed out the HSC results. Mine were much higher. But apparently that was only because I tried. If he had of tried his scores would have out done mine 10 fold. I hate that I can still let them get to me. Dad could have stepped in but he doesn’t have the balls. I’m just left there to be made a mockery of. I already feel like a defective piece of shit with my MI. They made me feel even worse. Is there any wonder I have MH problems. If only I could be half as good as they think they are. One of my cousins even said to me after… that she couldn’t believe what just happened. I’m really hating on myself right now. I feel that they see me as so much of a lesser person than them. Why can’t I just be good enough for them? Why am I not enough? Why am I so worthless and useless? I hate myself so much. I can’t even describe what I’m feeling. It’s just so hard for me to be accepted by them. Am I really that much of a bad person?

They didn’t thank me for organising it or anything. The rest of the family did. They even told me that I need to organise another one sooner. I don’t think I will