I can’t cope

I’m really far from ok mentally @Snowie and in all honesty my safety is questionable. It’s ok though my team know and are checking in constantly. That’s why they want me to accomplish so much these days off.

I feel I need to punish myself for my thoughts. So gardening is it. I despise it so much that to me it is punishment! I did have big plans of planting hedges and roses but at this stage I’ll still be digging out plants! They are in so deep.

As for self care I don’t feel as though I deserve it but I may have a bath in salt tonight to help with the aches and pains (if I don’t get too sunburnt)

Im glad it’s going ok for you and that it’s a beautiful day. It seems to help. It’s awesome here. So far it’s 28 and rising. We are suppose to reach 33 so I’m really looking forward to it! Being out in it is really good for me.

Got any plans for today?

how I am feeing right now @Snowie @tyme @Captain24 is that I am just going to die. I have just got out of bed, crying (bloody hell), so very tired, my eyes just want to shut. I have work I should do, so am pushing myself to do that after this message. I dont even want to work. Best get a start on it as it gets harder the longer I leave it and the MH gets worse. Every day is such a struggle now. I used to be such a fun person and I have completely lost my identity and feel I have aged in the last 5 months.

Hi @magpie4

I’m sorry you are feeling that way. I do have understand. I am being made accountable for completing so big tasks this 4 days. Before I go back to work. So that is pushing me along.

Do you write a list of things that need to be done? I like to be able to cross things off. Even if it’s only 1 thing and the smallest. It’s a small sense of achievement.

One thing my dietician taught me was using the analogy of brushing your teeth. You put the toothpaste on the toothbrush and always then clean your teeth. I use that all the time. Such as putting the dishes in the sink with water and washing up liquid. I’d then leave them for a few days because I just couldn’t be bothered. Now I say to myself. ‘You’ve put the toothpaste on the toothbrush. Now you have to brush your teeth’ So then it makes me wash them. Ok they may sit in the drainer for a few days but at least they are washed.

I don’t know if any of that makes sense

thank you @Captain24 I appreciate your advice, especially what you have been going through, as I have seen your posts as well. You are right, baby steps, but as this is so completely different for me as to how I was 5 months ago, its hard. But I did kind of start the day like this. I knew I had to vacumn the floors and wash them, however I vacumned and then stopped. I too had left the dishes this week, and eventually put them away.....wooo hooo! I am just wrecked.

I'm glad your team is checking in on you and that you have the support from them @Captain24 It does make a difference, when we have people who care about us.

I hope you can stay safe today.

Not doing much. Will just watch the footy. Don't really cares who wins but should be a good game.

yes @Captain24 it is helpful. thank you as well

Sometimes @magpie4. It’s just the little wins. Vacuuming and putting the dishes away is something. At least they are both done. If you can’t manage anything else then that’s ok. Is there something kind you can’t do for yourself? Do you have any hobbies? I do diamond art which sometimes distracts me especially if I have music going in the background.

Thanks.. yeah it’s been really rough lately but I do have a fantastic team that is working with me and supporting me to get through it all. Plus I’ve been getting a lot of support on here.

Hey @magpie4 ,

I can see things are hard today. I'm just going to send you a message to check in.

tyme

At this stage I’ll be too tired @Snowie. I’m exhausted now and still have so much to do.

I feel like I can say I’m safe today. So that’s a plus. I just have to face each day as it comes. My team is awesome.

A footy afternoon sounds good. I’m not into AFL at all. I don’t understand it. To me all they do is kick the ball around.

The NRL one is on tomorrow but I won’t be watching it. But I am hoping the panthers win because I don’t like the Broncos.

thank you @Captain24 . I do have hobbies. I play golf, which I am very good at, however my recent person also played this with me!! I also dance, very well, however, during my time doing this thoroughly enjoyable activity, I also came across people who entered my life, only to ruin it. I am doing a paint by numbers at the moment however, have not done any of this for about 3 weeks, as I am so tired and my eyes are sore. I work on a comptuer all day for work, and then to do PBN can be taxing on my eyes as well. I was thinking of going to a venue today (aggh) for some music that I like, live band, but I am so self-conscious of myself right now and people there will now know I am on my own after what looked like an amazing partnership, I dont know if I am able for it. I would have to put the pretend face on, with my heart racing and dont know if I am able for it. The alternative is to not go out at all. I feel like I am crazy. this last partnership has just devasted me and left me a total wreck.