I can’t cope

I only see her briefly for the next 3 days as she drops Pix home. @tyme. I will spend some time with her on Monday so that will be interesting. I’ll see how she handles it.

It was a huge step. Now she is worried about my job though if I have to go to hospital. I do have someone outside the business that will help me work out what to do if I do have to go.

Perhaps have a think about what you want to get out of the conversations with your mum @Captain24 . That will probably guide what you say and don't say.

See this as a positive step and start there.

I think I’ll just have to wait and see what she asks. @tyme. I’ve had the confidence to tell her I’m hoping I have the confidence to say when I’m not ok with a question.

Im not going to offer anything. I feel I’ve already exposed myself enough

Im not sure I’ve done the right thing. What’s done is done.

It hasn’t lifted my mood though. It did distract me a little though. If anything leaving me so open and raw has dropped it even further.

Maybe it hasn't lifted your mood because you have anxiety holding you back about what another conversation with your mum will look like? @Captain24 What do you think?

Maybe. @tyme. I don’t know what she is thinking right now. I really need someone to talk to. I wish I didn’t have work tomorrow so I could talk to my CM. I did send her an email telling her what I’ve done. But I won’t get her response until 7 tomorrow night.

My mood is a major problem. It’s concerning everyone. I handed a piece of paper to my psychiatrist today with everything about how I feel. That way I couldn’t chicken out.

@Captain24 , do you have a mood diary? I had to keep one in the past to monitor my moods.

I have a journal that I write in @tyme. I can find on April 6 where I started to slip but I can’t find any reason for it. But apparently there doesn’t need to be a reason it can just happen and will just happen.

She asked me today if I had suicidal thoughts and my answer was yes but I just can’t be bothered. I told her that sounded stupid but she said it wasn’t good.

Actually @Captain24 . I have felt similar in the past so I guess it's not stupid... that is, I feel suicidal but I can't be bothered...

I'm about to log off, but I hope to speak to you tomorrow.

Please give Pix a hug for me.

I believe much of life, is a test.

I found, when I was out and about, way to much, I saw things, like happy couples, cuddling etc, while I am single and alone. And these sorts of things, depressed me.

So I learnt to stay in my house more, and work on my garden.

Flowers, especially pretty little ones, give me a lift, so I grew a lot of flowers in a nursery, with an automatic watering system I made.

I made a lovely garden patio, with a table, chairs, and a shade cloth, over the top. And I grew a creeper, around it. With a flower garden, and it looks gorgeous!

My feelings, lent on deaf ears, and it seemed nobody cares, so I set out on controlling my mind.

I worked out, that thoughts, lead to feelings, so I worked out, to stop my thinking process, to stop feeling, so I wouldn't suffer.

So now I, sit in a chair, meditate, and when I feel low, I do Chi Kung exercises, and cancel my thoughts, until the sadness spell goes away.

I remember, some of my darkest moments, nothing went right, so I imagined myself, in a dark pit, looking up, trying to find some light, (in my imagination), as I continued, my faith grew, and I could see light, like an angel, coming down to me. Making me feel better.

The Chinese, know about Qi.

It is energy.

I found, that when I am feeling low. I have an imbalance of Qi flow, in my body.

It is when I feel tired, low, and yet, cannot sleep.

Now I do a Chi Kung exercise, called lifting the sky.

It balances my energy system, and makes me feel cool in the head, and awake, and happier.

Chi, is Qi, just different spelling.