I can’t cope

I need to get this out, feeling alone and vulnerable.

I've been trying to get to sleep for quite a while now but the thoughts and urges just aren't stopping. I worked up the courage to try a crisis service, waited over an hour in the chat queue only to have my chat disconnected without them even saying anything. After the last experience I had being a bad one it took so much to try again and now that this happened it's brought up so many feelings and thoughts. I feel so much rejection, completely unworthy, like a burden, like I don't matter to anyone.

I've sat with the thoughts and urges all day and they haven't settled at all, if anything they are more intense now. I'm exhausted but not just physically, it's mentally aswell, like every part of me just has nothing to give, nothing to fight with. I've tried so hard to keep pushing through, to do things to keep distracted, to keep myself safe. But I feel like I'm failing at it all, like my efforts don't matter and that I should just give up and accept the inevitable.

I'm safe for now, laying in bed snuggled up with Casper. I just want to sleep, to not feel or think, to rest and just hope that tomorrow is somehow different.

Hi there @MissGremlin

Thank you for reaching out tonight. It sounds like you've been carrying so much on your own, and it's heartbreaking that after working up the courage to contact a crisis service, you were met with such a distressing experience. It's understandable that this has left you feeling even more alone.

Even though it may not feel like it, you've been fighting hard today. You've done what you can to keep yourself safe, and you've reached out here instead of holding it all in. Those efforts matter.

It's really good to hear you're safe for now and snuggled up with Casper. Hopefully his company brings a little comfort while you get through the night. What are some other strategies that have helped you remain safe in the past?

Please keep putting your safety first. If the urges become too much or you don't feel you can stay safe, please reach out to another crisis service, someone you trust, or emergency services if you're in immediate danger.

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Samaritans: 135 247

If in immediate danger: 000

Thank you for letting the community be here with you. Hoping you're able to get some rest tonight, and if you feel up to it, let everyone know how you're going tomorrow too!

Hello @gretamod_00, I only have the 1 crisis service I can reach out to and there's noone for me other than that.

All I'm ever doing is fighting to keep myself safe, there's no moments when I can just relax. I can never let down my guard, it's exhausting.

Once again I've barely slept, only dozed on and off for a few minutes at a time. I'm not able to rest and recharge which makes having to fight myself so much harder as I'm completely worn down.

Not sure if this needs a trigger warning or not.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore, every part of me wants to give up fighting. When I've talked to crisis services before I've told them that I'm ready to end my life, that I'm at peace with it and that it has to happen. Imagine sitting with that thought every second of everyday, it's like a constant pull to be able to finally have peace and not have to fight this battle anymore.

I'm safe for now, still laying in bed snuggled up with Casper. Waiting for daylight to come around (even though there's a part of me that wishes it wouldn't) to know that I've somehow made it through another night.

Hey @MissGremlin,

Thanks for updating us about how tonight has been for you. It sounds like you are still sitting with some difficult and overwhelming thoughts. We can hear tonight has been extra challenging and exhausting as you feel like you hardly get any sleep, and you have been trying so hard to keep battling with those heavy thoughts.

Reaching out for support is so incredibly important in these moments. We encourage you to reach out to one of those services that we have shared earlier to get the support you need tonight while you are snuggling with Casper.

Hello @CalmOwl, I tried for almost an hour to get through to the crisis service but wasn't able to.

It's been a really rough night but somehow I've made it through until daylight. Things are feeling so heavy today, I've gotten up fed Casper and I'm making a cuppa (I'm safe for now).

Sorry it was another rough night @MissGremlin 

@Captain24 it would be nice to have some easier nights occasionally.

How are you doing sweet?

I’m alright I guess. I got woken at 5:20 from a text message from work! How rude! 😂 @MissGremlin Just reminding us of the training day. Regular shift finishes then.

I’ve been grocery shopping and got the Buzz oohsie that’s available in limited supplies. I’m waiting for mum to see if she gets one so I can open it!

I have my appointment at 12 and I have to get fuel before the prices go up and I have to pay for my psych appointments. I think that’s it for the day.

What about you?

@Captain24 how rude 😂.

I'm glad you've been grocery shopping and that you were able to get the buzz ooshie, I don't think I'll get lucky to get one being that i don't go to the shops until later.

I hope your appointment goes ok sweet. I'll be getting fuel this afternoon before it goes up aswell, the prices are just ridiculous and it would be worse for you.

I'm just waiting for food to cook and then I'm going to see if I can do some diamond art.

I’ve just unpacked it all and about to pay my psych and then I’ll be at it too. @MissGremlin