I can’t cope

I haven’t touched it. I the last time was when we did it together. @MissGremlin

I have swept and washed the floors! I am beyond exhausted. I feel like I’m going to be sick! I’ve just had a shower and climbed into bed. Hopefully I’ll fall asleep quickly.

I hope tonight goes ok for you. I’ll be thinking of you.

@Captain24 that feeling sick feeling from being so exhausted is horrible. I'm really proud of how much you've done today sweet and i hope you can get a really good night's rest.

Thankyou sweet. Night night sweetheart, sending lots of love and hugs to you ❤️.

I need to get this out, I'm feeling so frustrated and overwhelmed. This is really getting too much for me to cope with. I'm only dozing off for a few minutes at a time before having nightmares and then waking up in a panic. Alot of the time when the nightmares are happening it's like I'm still partly awake but not fully in control.

I want it to be morning already, just so I know that I've made it through the night. Right now it feels like the hours are dragging on and every second is like I'm fighting the biggest battle of my life to just keep myself alive. At this point I'm struggling to want to continue that fight, I'm exhausted in every possible way and I feel completely defeated.

Earlier things got really intense so I reached out to a crisis service but that left me feeling so dismissed and guilty. After telling the person about my feelings regarding suicide and talking them through losing people to suicide that I have both recently and previously, the person then said 'so you've seen how it affects others around you and the impact it has on everyone and yet you want to do the same thing to people that care about you'. When someone is in that moment of thinking about taking their own life, they often think that they will be doing everyone a favour by removing themselves, no longer being a burden on anyone. The truth is that you don't feel like you'd be missed or that anyone would care, for me I feel like it would make everyone happy. The interaction was ended after the person asked me what support they could offer me and I told them this there's nothing anyone can do so they wished me their best and ended the chat. The experience has left me feeling worse off, left me with a huge amount of guilt, shame, anger and truly feeling so invalidated.

I'm safe for now, laying in bed, snuggling with Casper. I just need to feel heard, to not feel so alone, to somehow find a tiny bit of hope to cling to so that just maybe I can find a way through this.

Hey @MissGremlin

It sounds like tonight is particularly challenging with those intense thoughts and reflecting on your nightmares and feeling like you are only ever dozing off for a few minutes before they start. To be partly awake, but not fully in control sounds understandably frustrating and scary and I can see how this can build up to leave you feeling like you are fighting the biggest battle of your life.

I hear that you tried reaching out to a crisis service, but that this left you feeling dismissed. guilty, angry, and invalidated. Reaching out in these vulnerable moments is a big step to take, and to not be met with the understanding and support that you were looking for can be disheartening. Still, despite this, you have shown a lot of strength in reaching out to the community here for a space to feel heard, and to not feel so alone right now.

I will be sending warm thoughts your way tonight, and I am sure some of the community will be along shortly to listen and provide some gentle words of hope for you.

Hello @pangolin, it's proving to be a very challenging night. It's just every single night, there's no relief from the nightmares and it's completely worn me down.

It took alot to reach out in that moment but then it left me regretting doing so. I'm trying so hard to keep pushing through but doing it alone feels impossible, this isn't a battle I can fight alone (I'm safe for now).

Thankyou for your warm thoughts. I'm hoping I'm somehow able to get a little more sleep as an hour is really not enough.

I hear you @MissGremlin. Sleep is so vital to our functioning, so when instead of allowing us the chance to rest and recover, this causes fear and is impacted so heavily, it can be exhausting. It is completely valid to be feeling worn down here.

Recognising that you can't do this alone tonight is understandable and that is why the forums are here! To provide that gentle encouragement and a space to know that we will be met with kindness and understanding during these difficult times.

I hope you are able to get some peaceful rest tonight snuggled up with Casper.

Thankyou @pangolin, I just needed to get things out so that I'm not sitting with everything alone cos its really alot.

I want daylight to come around, at least then I'll know that I got through the night even though facing the day feels so scary and uncertain with how I'm feeling. I'm safe for now, going to see if I can get a little more sleep, Casper is snoring away cuddled up next to me.

I always love seeing pics of Casper 🥰 @MissGremlin

He's the cutest!

Hello @Nala2022, he's definitely a bit cute.

How are you going sweet?

Not too bad @MissGremlin, feeling a bit run down these last couple of days. Enjoying a cuppa now, and trying to keep warm

How are you holding up? I just read through some of your posts, sounds like you had a rough night 😔