I can’t cope

@Captain24 I'm glad you slept well but waking up still being tired is tough. It's great that you're getting enough rain to make the grass turn green but yes it means you'll need to mow it soon. I'm hoping work goes ok for you tonight sweet, is tonight the last night before the days off?

I'm really not even sure anymore so I can't answer that question. But in that moment I told them I just needed connection, to be heard and to not feel so alone.

Yep.. it’s Friday!!! @MissGremlin It makes going to work so much easier.

The lawns are ok. I’ll cut them a little bit longer than I do in summer. They aren’t bad. I should take me just over 3 hours if I didn’t stop plus whipper snippering. But I will have breaks because I’ve got to get the lawn mower to mum and dads and back. Mum makes me a drink at her house for when I’m half way through!

I think that’s the first place to start, working out what help you want and we can work from there. I’m not trained just living it and I’ve exhausted the things I know that have helped me. Something just shifted and I didn’t want to stay that way so I gradually changed it. It’s slowly starting to help. I’ve got a long way to go but I feel like I can make it. But I couldn’t do it until I was ready and had had enough and couldn’t continue the way I was. It hasn’t been easy and I’ve had to work really hard but I’m trying something new and different and it seems to be slowly falling into place.

@Captain24 i bet it does. I'm so glad that after today you get some time off and hopefully you'll be able to do some diamond art.

The lawns sound like a huge task but I'm glad you can have breaks in between especially a drinks break thanks to mum.

The thing is that i used to know what help i wanted and needed but when I tried to get it I couldn't. So I've given up on the idea that I can even be helped cos that help wasn't given when I so desperately needed it. I'm really glad something shifted and that things are slowly starting to fall into place, I'm so proud of how far you've come. I've had enough of things being like this but rather than trying to fix it (only cos I've already tried so hard to do so) my brain just goes to the only way out with the thoughts of suicide. I'm safe and making food with Casper by my side.

You were there when my brain was doing that too. That’s when everyone was really concerned for my welfare. I had to check in continuously with them all. But nothing changed, I still felt the same even with all the help I was receiving. It was I my me that could do it. The help was guidance but what I’m working towards now is nothing g they suggested just supporting me now with it and cheering me on. @MissGremlin. It’s all my own work though.

@Captain24 so you get it, even with having help it's often not the help that helps entirely but rather something that shifts and then things slowly start falling into place. I'm just glad you've been able to make changes and that things are starting to help, yes there's still going to be tough times but I have every faith in you that you can and will get through it.

I aqua planned on my way to work. I was on the phone to mum and just said ‘shit’. She could hear in my voice that something happened. She was kept asking ‘what’ and the was it a roo?. I couldn’t answer as I was trying to hold onto my car. Trying to keep it in the road. Then I told her what had happened and my heart was racing! @MissGremlin

Where they have made me sit tonight is in mobile range. They don’t want me driving on unused road and ramps

Have you thought about changing the people in your life? If you get me.

@Captain24 oh that's so scary, especially while being on the phone. My friend that I have has been involved in a couple of accidents (not driving) while being on the phone to me, it's so scary not knowing what's going on through the phone. How are you feeling now sweet?

That's a bonus having phone range where you are.

I’m a little anxious about driving around here and I’m anxious about driving home but at least in the way home it’ll be daylight and I will slow down. Mum could hear the panic in my voice and I could hear it in hers! I’m still really shaky though. It did slow me down. @MissGremlin

@Captain24 can understand being anxious driving around especially when it's been raining quite a bit. Definitely take things slowly both there and on your way home sweet. I bet your mum was panicking, I'm so glad you're ok though. Sending hugs sweetheart ❤️.

I definitely have slowed down. It’s going to be a long night sitting here. I’m hoping that I can get some sleep. @MissGremlin. At least I can chat on here though. Except for if a boss drives up. They only stay a couple of minutes though

How’s your diamond art doing?