I can’t cope

Hey @Jynx

I like that theory. I am step 3 with what I’m doing at the moment and moving towards step 4. Then I will have to start again with changing more stuff to keep moving forward.

I’m definitely not there with those thoughts! Last night I went to bed and when I tried to go to sleep I remembered that I hadn’t made my sandwich for today. I gave myself hell. The thoughts of not wanting to be alive were very deep. I was safe! So much came with it. I ended up getting up later in the night and making that damn sandwich. I couldn’t sleep. Then I beat myself up because I should have just done it earlier. Complete spiral. Everything I’ve done just went by the way side. Over a sandwich! I had the same thing happen when I tried to cook apricot chicken. It all stuck to the pan and burnt. Spiral again. I should have known that I can’t cook. I’m useless because I can cook. I was stupid to try… on and on!

I think ‘thanks brain’ will work better in those moments that you have It works sometimes now but just not in a deep quick spiral that I can catch.

Im realistic with end goals. Nothing can be perfect and I will never be but things can be easier than they are now. I’m seeing a difference. My favourite word for my end goal is ‘content’

The right support is so important. I couldn’t get to here without the right people on my side and people that get it and not from a textbook. I’ve done a lot of it myself just with the best guidance and support.

Im actually going to the pub for lunch now. My bestie is taking me out. It will be hard work but I'm excited that she thought of it. I’m going to have my bath in the afternoon, put my Oodie lounge set on and watch the Kylie documentary on Netflix! Then dinner with mum and dad.

Yep.. they made it to the car and did many km’s to and from work! I don’t really go op shopping. The ones here aren’t real good I don’t think. But I guess it does defeat the purpose! 😂 At least it’s current where the ones you handed in are old! 😜

How have you been?

That’s so good @MissGremlin. I was really anxious about you meeting!

It does get so loud. I now know why I always struggled with it!

When do they come on?

@Captain24 so was i but it all went well.

Yes i struggle so much with the loudness of it but at the same time I love going to see bands/singers that I like.

I believe they are going to come on very soon as the DJ has just finished.

It is good to see them in person. I didn’t have the money to go to the last Kylie concert 😔 @MissGremlin

Ive decided to watch the Kylie documentary on Netflix tomorrow afternoon after I have my bath and put on my Oodie stuff. I was going to do it at lunch time but now my bestie is taking me out at 1.

I hope they are up. Enjoy yourself!

@Captain24 that's a real shame. Concerts definitely aren't cheap, this will probably be the last one i get to see now that things are the way they are with the cost of living.

That sounds lovely and relaxing tomorrow and I hope you enjoy the time with your bestie.

Thankyou sweet. I hope you have a nice evening ❤️.

@Captain24 sometimes it's not about the sandwich at all. But because it's something so mundane that has brought on the trigger, we can be really hard on ourselves for becoming so upset over seemingly nothing. Then that retriggers the shame, and perpetuates the feelings. It can be tough, but you will get there, you will start to find yourself catching yourself earlier and earlier in the spiral. Maybe the 'thanks brain' can help at times too, like 'thanks brain but being hard on myself about this isn't helpful right now' or 'thanks brain, but everyone burns things from time to time, it doesn't mean I'm worth any less as a human being'. Stuff like that - whatever feels more comfy and natural for you of course!

Contentment is a good goal. I believe you will get there, very much so 💜

I remember during my counselling degree hearing that '90% of progress takes place outside of the therapy room' - and I believe it. All of these steps you're taking are easier to take with support yes, but you're the one taking them. Something worth praising and celebrating for sure!

Aww yay, that sounds so wholesome! I hope you have a fantabulous, splendiferous day!!

Sometimes I like to go op shopping just to look at stuff. It's almost like going to a museum! I like thinking about the stories that may be behind the items... how did this end up here? Same reason I like antique stores haha.

Not too shabby, just trying to stave off the cold mainly. I like that it's oodie weather now 😋

That makes sense. It kind of retrigged my sense of self. It felt like all I have tried to do was for nothing if I couldn’t remember to make that sandwich then how am I going to remember all the stuff I’ve been working on. A basic forgetfulness made me doubt myself. @Jynx. The spiral was still the same but I see it’s not the sandwich but the lack of confidence in myself to achieve my end goal. Like a step backwards.

I think contentment is achievable. No one is happy all the time and I don’t want to be anyway. Then happiness is normal not happiness. If that makes sense. Just to be able to deal with day to day stuff.

It does I think. You can talk until you are blue in the face but I’m the one that has to do it. I could always see that but just couldn’t do it or maybe better put wasn’t ready to do it. This will be a shock… I am proud of what I have been doing and how I have been going about it, slowly and gently. I’m proud of myself for having (mostly) the right attitude to do it.

It should be a good day. The Kylie thing goes for 3 hours and I wanted to fit in a nap too. So I’ll have to see how I’ll go about it all. Maybe I won’t get to finish watching the last Kylie episode.

Thats interesting. I never thought of that but I’m not really a deep person. I have trouble with the wholesome things. I still have so much to work on!!!!

It hasn’t really been too bad here yet. We haven’t really had any frosts. I did get a little bit of ice on my car one morning after nightshift but that’s it. Normally we are really cold by now. Like well into the minuses. It’s currently 15. Too cold for me but awesome if this is what winter will be like. We are suppose to finally get some decent rain in the next few days so that may bring the cold.

Im excited to get my Oodie stuff out to lounge around in tomorrow arvo though!

I was meant to go to work tomorrow but took annual leave. I have just climbed into bed after having a shower that I didn’t have to have. I’m feeling good for showering without I being a necessity for work. I’m laying here and thinking that it doesn’t matter if I don’t go straight to sleep, I have nothing to get up for tomorrow (until dog feeding time) I actually feel relaxed and calm. No stress or anxiety. My biggest stress is do I try and watch all of the Kylie episodes or just 2. Such a hard day planned. 😜

Wishing you a huge happy birthday @Captain24 sweetheart ❤️. Hoping you have a wonderful day that's just as special as you are. Sending lots of love and hugs to you ❤️.

Thank you @MissGremlin!!!!

i hope your trip home goes well.

How was five?