I can’t cope

I’m hoping that he will write a certificate up to Tuesday so that I don’t have to go to work at all until after Easter. I think I went back too early last time. @Jynx. I’m going to ask anyway!

Yeah, one step at a time. Slow and steady. Get one thing right first the worry about the other parts. I am on a new antidepressant though so that may help. I felt normal for a little bit today. For the first time in a really really long time. I was joking and stuff. Maybe that’s a good sign.

We are going back to the normal holiday place in October of if I haven’t had more surgery or in recovery period. We have to wait 6 weeks to find out. That’s when I have an appointment and get the results.

Ot is creative rearranging your space. That actually takes a lot! I have diamond art on my dining table and I have plenty of other stuff to do. It’s all easy to get to. Not sure what I’ll do though. I haven’t done anything lately. I haven’t been able to do it, just sit and stare I need to try though.

Shit I’m in a lot of pain! But I don’t know what they gave me so I’m not sure what I can take. I’ll have to wait until tomorrow before I try anything, plus I can ask when I call tomorrow.

Today has been an interesting day.

Im in a little pain but thats to be expected with what was done yesterday. But im dealing with it.

Im really proud of myself for the way I handled myself yesterday. So is my psych because I couldn’t help myself and had to email her. Lots of !!!! In her response.

I feel different but can’t describe it. I have written down some things I’m feeling but it’s not making sense. I have connected a lot today though.

Im still not interested in doing anything though. No joy in anything but I did laugh with my best friend for a little bit this morning.

Im not sure if it’s all the drugs from yesterday.

It’s like I’m calm and content being in freeze rather than distressed about it. I know that doesn’t make any sense though.

Im also coping ok with just sitting around rather than pushing myself to do things. I know I need to rest to recover. I don’t want the same issues that I had last time.

@Captain24 hope you got some solid sleep last night!!

Ooh do you remember any of the jokes you told? This makes me so happy to hear hun, definitely a win worth celebrating!

Oh yay, I'm glad to hear you've already got some holiday plans to set your sights upon 😊 Fingers crossed for good results 🤞

Diamond art sounds fab! Any Lego sets awaiting construction? I know it's felt like a chore so it's okay if you aren't up for it yet.

Hope you've found out about your meds and can manage the pain okay. How are the pups, keeping you company, or driving you bonkers atm? 😋

Hey @Jynx

I did sleep well and was so grateful to be in my own bed instead of a motel. I also had a couple of hours this afternoon too.

Nah, it was just in response to what they were saying and they said I was funny. We were just laughing and mucking around. I was so relaxed. It’s a massive win and my psych thinks so too as I couldn’t help myself and had to email her today!

I still have quite a few kits to do but haven’t touched any of them. I haven’t done anything. I’m not really interested. I’ve just sat on the lounge or slept. Mum and dad did come and drop off some groceries and check on me. Plus I talk to my best friend for 10 minutes. I laughed at her too. It’s nice to have laughed.

Im in pain but not enough for pain relief. It’s just like period pain. It’s been really cold here today so they have pretty much laid around all day. I’m talking that cold that there was sleet! They are both currently on the lounge with me, one on each side. Plus they are tired after running a muck all day yesterday at mums house.

I also wrote a post above if you want to have a look if you have time.

It’s good to hear from you!

I love your psych's enthusiasm @Captain24 haha.

!!!! 😍

It sounds like things are shifting for you - could be the new meds maybe? Good to hear you're writing it down and tracing your progress! And having a chortle with your bestie makes me smile!

Perhaps you're in a state of acceptance? Not wanting to push yourself and not feeling this gnawing sense of worry/panic about where you're at sounds like a relief for your nervous system! Even if you're not yet where you want to be, sounds like you're not where you were - that sounds like progress 😊

I'm glad your pups have been worn out and that you can now just be in a big cuddle puddle against the cold 💜

She gets excited really easily! @Jynx. Even in the darkest, hardest appointments she gets a laugh out of me.

I don’t know if it’s the new meds or not? Writing it down didn’t help me decipher anything though, but at least I can read it to her and not forget. It was pretty funny, she was running late for work and made a coffee to drive into town with (she lives 30 minutes out) but she left it on the bonnet of her car! You can’t even speak to her until she has coffee!

I feel maybe acceptance is the right word? It feels easier though. A peaceful. I’m guessing it’s progress but I’m concerned that maybe I have given up? It’s all a little confusing. But at least I’m not stressing about it.

Pix has just started hassling me for dinner. She still has an hour to go!!! It’s going to drive me crazy!!!

How was your day?

@Captain24 she sounds like a hoot!! We all need someone a little zany in our lives I reckon!

Definitely don't always have to make sense of things, and taking notes is a good way to keep track so your psych can help you untangle it all along the way.

Acceptance does tend to feel peaceful! And sometimes acceptance is giving up - but not in a negative way, more like... giving up on pushing so hard when pushing was not making any difference, only draining energy.

And you know what, you can choose whether you want to see it as acceptance or as 'giving up'. It is your narrative to write 😉

Hehe I'm guessing feeding time has just unfolded? Hope she wasn't too antsy about the meds this time. My kitties seem to have 'changed' their own dinner time by getting insistent about it being earlier!! They have me wrapped around their pinky-toe-beans hahaha

My day has been pretty standard, managed to do some spot-vacuuming and went for a walk. The sun was very nice 😊

Hey @Captain24 ,

Glad to hear things are perking up a little. I wonder if the pre-op jitters is what caused some of the depressive episode?

It's so good to read that you even had a laugh!

I'm glad your mum can over to see you. I hope the pain isn't too intense and it only gets easier for you 🙂

She is very neurodivergent! @Jynx

Acceptance plus giving up is how I feel. But I’m not beating myself up for giving up. I’m just too tired to fight it anymore. Nothing was working so why keep pushing. My GP and others aren’t going to get it though and just assume that I’m getting better when I know I’m not. It’s not an improvement it’s a side ways move.

She wasn’t to bad for her needle, she is getting better. Slowly, more better days than bad but not a lot. As soon as her alarm went off she was jumping around though. She knows which one is hers!

A walk sounds nice in the sun. We didn’t have any sun just rain and sleet. Really cold!!! Some cleaning sounds like a bonus too. I hope today is good and easy for you.

Hey @tyme

I wouldnt say perking up but a side ways

move. It’s like I have given up on pushing and fighting to get out of this space. Just dealing with what it is. I did have a lot of connection yesterday too though, especially on here, so I don’t know if that made a difference. Plus a laugh.

Nah, the pre-op jitters did add it it a little but not the main cause just another thing to have in my mind.

The pain isn’t too bad. It feels different this time. But they didn’t cut anything out and they would have had less to scrape off the walls. So hopefully it stays better.

How’s things for you.