I can’t cope

Thankyou @Captain24 sweet ❤️.

Hope you can get a good sleep sweetheart ❤️

I’ve just gotten out of bed and taken my washing off the line. I ironed it so that that was done. Now I’m super exhausted. I still have to go around to mums. I don’t want to but I have to. Pix needs food.

I rand the medical centre and I have an appointment tomorrow at 4:10. I bit anxious about that. I emailed my psych yesterday before work. She got back to me and thinks I’m starting to come out of freeze. Sometimes I have feelings but then I go back to being numb. To me it’s like I’m in and out.

I tile her about the exhaustion and she wants me to take time off work. I have 2 weeks off anyway for my surgery so hopefully in 2 weeks things will have changed a bit and I won’t be so exhausted. I see her tomorrow too. She said I need to take care of myself ready for the rocky road ahead.

Why does ‘improving’ mean things have to feel a lot worse before getting better? Why do I go from feeling nothing to extreme feelings to get to a stable place?

@Captain24

Hi, I know I wish it would be in a straight line for you and not always backwards forwards and numb to feeling everything, but you get through each day and I admire that! Take care of you as you are working hard and doing all that you need to do

I am so tired. All I want to do is go back to bed. I have a psych appointment in an hour so I can’t. I’m pretty anxious about it. Hopefully the time will pass quickly. Then I have a GP appointment at 4 this afternoon. That one is really scaring me. Especially when the made the appointment for me.

Im sitting in the sun trying to see if it’ll help me feel better. It is nice out here though. But it’s making me even more sleepy. I had things I wanted to do today but I just can’t do them. Maybe between appointments I can force myself. Or maybe I’ll just sleep. I also have to go grocery shopping after my GP appointment. I don’t want to leave the house twice. I’m not looking forward to it either though.

I think both appointments in one day are going to really take it out of me. Neither are going to be easy. I have to fight to stay out of hospital. Hopefully the fact that my surgery on Thursday will help keep me out. It’s really important to see if I have cancer or not. Then I need recovery time.

The psych appointment was actually really positive. Obviously my life is still a mess and this freeze state is still there plus the exhaustion. But she made me see that my GP and Pdoc aren’t conspiring against me so I’m not as scared for this afternoon’s appointment.

I told her about the cyclone ‘internal weather feeling’ from the other thread and she got it immediately. I’m in the eye of the storm. This time however I can batten down the hatches and be prepared for what is to come. It’s going to be really shit and hard but I have been through it before and this time I can know it’s on the up. I won’t feel that in the midst of it but I have the support from my team that we know it’s coming and what to do to help. Trying not to suffocate my feelings and let them just happen. If I feel like shit allow myself to feel like shit. Don’t push just let the wave roll through. It could take weeks or it could take months but it will end.

The biggest complication is the hormones from the surgery that could trigger it all again big once again this time I’m prepared.

I told her that I felt stronger in myself, that I’m starting to stand up for myself even though it’s only a little bit. I told her that I would come out of this different but couldn’t really describe how just stronger.

@Jynx @tyme @AlwaysMyself

@Captain24 I'm really glad the appointment went well sweet, it must be such a relief for you at the moment.

Sending you hugs sweetheart ❤️.

It is a huge relief. @MissGremlin Also having people actually understand. I got like this once with community mental health and when I was in this freeze state they told me I was stable and my bipolar was stable. I knew I wasn’t well but they kept saying I was and I thought that that was all my life was going to be like.

@Captain24 I'm so glad they are being supportive. I'm sorry that the mental health team dismissed it when you were with them. That's actually what's happening for me at the moment. I've worked out that I was in a manic which is why I wasn't sleeping but yet wasn't physically tired. Then I've been in shut down where I'm struggling with sleeping more but still being so tired when I've only just woken up. Like you those thoughts have been there but the effort to do anything is too much (I'm safe). I'm now slowly coming out of that state and it's incredibly hard with no support. I get so many emotions, feelings and thoughts all hit at once and I'm doing my best to work through it alone but it's really challenging.

When I read your posts it's like I'm reading exactly what's happening for me, so I really know how you are feeling sweet. It's horrible to be going through this but I'm so glad you've got that support around you.

@Captain24 that sounds awful... its one of my fears that my MH team will just say that I have gotten as close to "Normal as I can and there's nothing else we can do"

*shudder*

Reading yours also makes complete sense to me. I feel guilty that I have such good support and you don’t. I honestly don’t know how you do it. I couldn’t if I was on my own. They have all warned me how bad it’s going to get and it’s scary but they will all help me through it. I don’t think you have any idea how strong you are even though that’s not want you want to hear. @MissGremlin