I can’t cope

I just gave Pix her first needle. She was at her bowl and ate the last bite and I gave it to her. I was shaking. I was scared. I still am scared. It was terrifying. I guess I’ll get better at it and hopefully she will get use to it.

I’ve broken out into a sweat.

Hey @Captain24 I am so incredibly sorry to hear about Pix. Really, I have no words, it sounds like such a devastating time for you and your fur baby.

I think she will get used to it. Especially if she's getting a treat along the way, she will begin to associate the pain with a positive thing. You got this, I believe in you, and in the immense care and love you have for her 💜

I’m hoping we both get there @Jynx. She did really well tonight but wasn’t expecting it.

She had a rough time earlier today and I think that was pain and now she is starting to sound like she is in pain again but it’s way to soon for pain relief.

Im hoping it’s pain and that I didn’t do something wrong with the insulin.

Do you know what my psych did for me today? I had emailed her that I didn’t have the money for the appointment but she didn’t get it until she went to send through the link. I had emailed her 10 minutes before saying I knew it was too late that’s be on the appointment. She is charging me half. Because I couldn’t afford it. No strings attached. I always make every appointment, I’m engaging and I give what she suggests a go. Isn’t that good of her? Mind you she hasn’t invoiced me yet, I’m hoping she does tomorrow because I want her to take next weeks out.

How have you been?

I can totally imagine that every little whimper and whine is gonna get you feeling nervous @Captain24 - especially in this early period. Makes sense you're extra sensitive to every little thing at the moment hun. How long till another vet checkup?

Aww that's so kind of her!! You know she must be a good one then haha - does that mean you can afford to keep attending?

Been pretty good. Just celebrated my partner's bday, got to stay at a fancy hotel which was pretty ace! Spent a lot of time floating about in the heated pool 😋

I am so on edge with every slight thing. @Jynx. I had to go into town and I was stressing the whole time. I am so glad I have taken this block off work to be with her. I’m not sure when her next check is as the vet that is organising that was off sick today but called in first up to check on Pix.

It does. It’ll be really tight and I’m struggling but I should be able to do it. She is a good one. She is really worried about me and my state of mind. So wants to be here for me.

That sounds awesome. I hope you both enjoyed it. A bit opposite to camping! 😜

@Captain24 oh I bet! Being away from her for any length of time would be so hard right now. Things will fall into a rhythm soon, especially as she stabilises. Takes time to shift into a new routine, but she has the best dog mum ever, she's in good hands 💜

I'm so glad! It makes such a difference when our supports go that extra mile for us hey. Makes us feel like we are more than just a 'number'. I hope the session goes well 🤞

Yeah I know right!! It may have been in the same city, but still felt like a holiday! Needed it. But still got some nature cravings as per usual haha but we're going away again this weekend! Off to the beach! For my partners and my bday 😊 I'll be sure to take heaps of pics!!

I stress when she isn’t in the same room! @Jynx. I’m really worried about sleeping as I can’t watch her. But I really need to sleep for myself. My MH needs it. Im hoping she wants to sleep on my bed. Im glad you have faith in me. I’m questioning myself.

We had the appointment today. She made me look at the positive things from my holiday. Well not so much positive but better moments. Like the last 2 days at the beach. I also need to do some ‘maintenance’ in my day for my inner child. I told her I struggle with the inner child thing. So I have to think of nan and pop and the girl in the image she re-scripted.

When is your birthday??? I do know it’s very soon. The beach for yours sounds really good though. Just being somewhere different at helps. Even if it’s just down the road especially when it’s a really nice place. There is lots of glamping places around here and locals go there for a getaway.

@Captain24 sleep is so important hun. Especially when learning a new medication routine - sleepiness makes the margin for error higher for any human being! It'll likely help alleviate some of the intensity of the feelings, make it less likely to spiral, too. I do wanna acknowledge that sleep will be more difficult right now, especially if you're putting pressure on yourself to get more of it... so be gentle with yourself ok?

Aww I get you, I bet it is a bit harder to think on those things right now so go slow. Your inner child is probably worried for Pix too!! Maybe you can try to imagine yourself comforting her through all of this, even a wordless mental hug can mean the world 💜

It's next Wednesday! The 25th 😉 So I should be floating around at some point in the evening. Feels really nifty to get both a little holiday and some quality bday hours with my forums fam! 😍

Sleep is scaring me @Jynx. But I did sleep last night. So did Pix. She slept on the floor under my bed and then moved to the pillows on the floor. I heard her move every time. It’s a really scary time right now. I’m really struggling still and it’s weird. While I still feel like I’m in freeze mode. I’m able to look after Pix just not myself. She didn’t eat for me this morning so I couldn’t give her her needle. That is really unusual of Pix and mum is getting me some chicken today to see if we can get her to eat chicken and rice. I think she has associated meal times with needles. I’m really hoping she eats today as she has to have her needle tonight. I’m scared of what it’s doing to her diabetes. If I struggle tonight I’ll call the vet in the morning. Pix has 2 of them so at least one should be on.

Im trying to do some house work and in my list I have written to do some of the mini lego that I have. See if that helps with stopping me sitting and staring at a wall. Also at least I can tell my psych I did it. I always tell her the truth, whether I have tried something or I didn’t. The people pleaser in me likes to try and also she has good suggestions so if I don’t try then I’m not helping myself. If it doesn’t work then that’s ok as I gave it a go and can give it a go another day. I have this week off work so I have time to try these things out.

This whole inner child thing I really struggle with. I can’t seem to attach to her. I don’t know how to care for her. Trying to separate it and seeing how Nan and pop would have looked after her is also hard but it does distance myself a bit.

Oh yay!!! I’ll still it be at work then so I will ‘see’ you for your birthday! I do want to know how your weekend goes and defs need photos please! I love the beach. I’m going down to see my psych in person next Tuesday so I’m hoping that the beach there will be mindful for me where it wasn’t last time. I won’t have a lot of time as I have to call into a pet shop on the way for treats for Pix to have with her needle and mum needs some too.

Im off to clean the floors before mum gets here! Plus I need to get out of my PJ’s.

So I have taken this week off work as sick leave, leaving me only 5 days until the end of January next year! I just got a phone call from my gyno and now he wants me to have surgery on the 26th of March. That's 3 months earlier. Plus I have to find all the money for gap fees and hospital fees and Pixies vet visits and my psych appointments. Plus a Pdoc appointment. In 4 weeks! I have just applied for annual leave but not sure I’m going to get it at short notice. I’m hoping it goes through as I don’t want to take the last of my sick leave!!! I also have to consider if this surgery results don’t come back as we hope that I then will need the hysterectomy! Which means more time off! It also means that dad has to take me over as it’s 2 hours away, mum needs to be home to look after Pix. Dad won’t be able to do the insulin. 1 he won’t do it but also his fingers are way too big.

Two positive things though. Pix is looking heaps better, her tail is up, she is climbing the stairs to get on the bed and lounge, she just wanted attention from mum and dad while they were here.. she is starting to get there. I’m less worried about the pancreatitis now. She also actually ate lunch for me. I’m hoping dinner is the same and I can give her insulin. Just got to get his insulin routine sorted.