I can’t cope

Hey @MissGremlin

Im just going to put something out there.

Do I not deserve to be on here because I’m letting you all down by not being able to support you guys the way you are supporting me?

Just ponder on that. What do you say to that?

@Captain24 but see that's easy for me to answer. You most definitely deserve to be here and you deserve the support. I've gone from being able to support several people to just not having the capacity to do anything at all and i really feel so horrible for not being able to do so.

I just cried all the way through my psych appointment. Proper cry with sobbing and all. I have never broken down on her that much. I don’t break down that much.

Im in a real world of hurt. She wants to refer me to community mental health. But I really don’t want to go back there.

She nearly cried about the hospital closing. She apologised that she didn’t ring me. She wanted to be the first to tell me. She found out on Wednesday and wanted to call me Thursday but wasn’t in the right headspace herself.

@Captain24 oh sweetheart, just try to remember it's ok to cry but l do know it's very uncomfortable for you and I relate to that well.

I'm sending you so much love and hugs ❤️.

I can understand that @MissGremlin. I feel the same. I feel like everyone is supporting me but I’m just nat able to return it. I feel really bad. I have t even been able to follow threads so I honestly don’t know what is going on for you and that makes me feel like a bad person. I just don’t have the capacity to be able to.

In your eyes that’s ok for me and you understand but I want you to know that it’s the same for you. I and others understand that your bucket of shit is really full right now. Your cup is empty and you can’t pour from an empty cup.

@Captain24 well let me assure you that you are most definitely not a bad person. I know things are hard right now but you are doing so well to keep pushing through and seeking support, I'm really proud of you sweetheart ❤️.

Thankyou sweet, it helps to know that you understand what it's like. Know that even just us being able to talk is helpful to me cos its still connection, so thankyou for simply being here ❤️.

I’m going to fail you @MissGremlin

Im really sorry but that appointment drained the last bit of everything out of me. I’m going to try and get some sleep and start again when I wake up. Even just an hour or two should hopefully help me function a little better. I think I’m just to overtired.

Please know how sorry I am. I feel really bad for leaving you. I’m really sorry.

@Captain24 oh sweetheart, you aren't failing me at all. I hope you get some much needed and deserved rest sweet.

Sending you so much love and hugs ❤️.

I’ve had 2 hours sleep. I’m still so exhausted but I guess it’s not really enough.

Im still reeling from my psych appointment. Still reeling about the closure but it’s not as bad for me as my psych as her job is being one of the facilitators so she is now out of a job. I didn’t ask her how she was feeling as she was struggling to talk about it.

I have a friend that I met in hospital that sent me a link to the article about the closure. I told her my psych was devastated and her response was ‘I feel her pain’ No she doesn’t it’s my psychs lively hood and her passion. Her passion is facilitating groups and she is damn good at it.

Im also struggling to process how sick I actually am. I knew I was unwell but today confirmed how unwell I actually am. The referral to community health showed that. The fact that I feel like I can function is because I’m not functioning. My response was but I went to work and got things ready for work. She said it shouldn’t be that hard to go to work or organise things. It should just happen.

I’m done.

The house is clean, I am clean, the dogs are clean and the car is packed. Im not even proud of what I have done.

Im tired. That doesn’t even explain it to the fullest.

Im not even excited. It’s overwhelming. To have to mask 24/7 for the next 7 days. The last time I went to the beach I didn’t enjoy it. I’m grateful that I get to go away and Pix is excited so that’s good.