I can’t cope

I’ve been stuck in heaps of traffic @MissGremlin. I’m still 2 and a half hours from home. I’ve just pulled up for 10 minutes to try and re-centre myself.

@Captain24 oh that's horrible being stuck in heaps of traffic. Hoping the rest of the trip is a bit easier for you sweet.

@Captain24 Well done for talking to your psych about things, and for noticing that you needed to have a bit of a break and cold drink to centre yourself before driving home, and also for taking a break on the drive back when you needed to. 😍🤗

So lovely that your therapist was able to listen and give you a hug in support of you. 🤗

Hope the rest of your drive home is safe. I know Jett and Pix will be happy to greet you when you pick them up. 😊

PS - I like goats 😛 ... but maybe not on the road haha.

Hey @MissGremlin @AlwaysMyself

Ive just gotten home. The traffic through the mountains was a bit rough as well and I got most of the red lights.

I got here safely and that’s what matters. I did hit a bird but I missed the goats that were on the road again.

My psych is pretty awesome @AlwaysMyself because my shorts were so wet I sat on the floor. She took her shoes off and sat down with me! It was actually more comfortable and connected on the floor!

So I got some answers. I don’t like them but I got them.

Im in hypo-arousal or freeze/fawn. Which ever way you want to look at it. The is a reason as to why I don’t have suicidal thoughts and that’s because I am too far down to have them. It is common when I those states. So it’s not just me thinking I’m stupid and not understanding. It’s just where I’m at right now. There is also nothing I can do but ride it out. Just wait for things to shift. It doesn’t get much worse than this. No amount of self-care will change it. It will work as distraction but won’t help fix the problem. She did explain it all though. It was really helpful to know the things she discussed. It will lift just don’t know when.

I feel really defeated. I feel like there is no hope. I feel empty and hollow. I feel numb.

@Captain24 glad you are safe home, and missing the goats is definitely a good thing too (would be much more damage to the car than a bird does).

I'd also like to add, if I can... It's not your fault that you are feeling how you are.

I can understand the deflated, defeated, hopeless and empty feelings when someone says there isn't anything you can do to make it better at the moment, except ride it out.

I might add though that sometimes not doing things which make it worse is still doing something to help yourself during these times too. It might not make things better, but preventing deterioration can be a good reminder too maybe.

You are doing so much to help yourself ride it out lately. And I am proud of you. I see the effort you are making to help keep yourself safe, to continue to look after your dogs, and to keep a stable income. That is heaps!

Nah.. it’s not my fault, it’s bipolar. @AlwaysMyself

It feels really rough but at the same time knowing that I can’t really do anything helps. It saves the energy that I don’t have to just try and function. She is really concerned but feels ok with me being at home and not in hospital as I’m still going to work and looking after the dogs. Like you just said!

My whole focus at the moment is trying to get through each day. She said it’s like the electricity has gone out and I’m just running of a generator. I need to conserve my energy for what is needed. Does that make sense?

Yes distractions are a good thing but just not to push too hard.

I really need to talk to someone to debrief.

I did tell her that I don’t want to exist anymore. I’m safe.

Im exhausted. I am just sitting on the lounge. I haven’t even fed the dogs yet.

How are you going? What’s happening in your world?

Happy to debrief with you if I can in a way that helps (open offer), but also understand that I may not be the best/right person for you and that is also OK if so. 😊 (or if you don't feel things can be said here, i get that too!)

@Captain24 I fed my pups a little earlier than usual today because of a group I call into which starts at their dinner time -- and they would be most upset and incessant nagging if I waited until after to feed them lol. One of them has learned to nudge the lid of my laptop closed when I am using it!! 😅

Wind-down time for me now. I've been good at keep myself "busy" during the day - I think going out and sitting at cafes instead of sitting at home (even if doing the same thing!) has been helpful, although I am conscious that it is more physically tiring, costs (cafe drink) and I don't like to leave my dogs at home too much (even if my mum is home, but especially if she is not). But because the dogs were at my ex's over the long weekend I felt more able to stay out during the day between going to different things.

@Captain24 I'm really glad you are home safe sweet. Your psych joining you on the floor is amazing i think and I'm glad it felt comfortable and connected.

I'll leave it there as @AlwaysMyself has covered everything else, so I'll just echo what's been said ☺️.

Sending you love and hugs sweetheart, i know it's hard right now but you are still showing up and doing your best and I'm proud of you for that ❤️

It’s more about how I feel. @AlwaysMyself.

I don’t think I should as it’s too much pressure to put on you as much as I appreciate the offer. There’s a lot.

Hahaha.. I like the laptop thing! They are pretty clever. Pix was barking at me to get me to feed her! She had had enough waiting, it was late though.

Winding down sounds good. I have done that in the past, I go to a little town 20 minutes away and have a breakfast. I haven’t done it in a really long time though. I go there as there is less chance of running into someone. It’s a good way to get out of the house though and something self care orientated. That’s a good thing. Don’t do shared custody of the dogs with them?

Thanks @MissGremlin

I wish I could find someone like that for you.

How are you going?