I can’t cope

Thanks good @AlwaysMyself. I’ll be doing the same now! I only use my phone.

We deal with everything within the crew. We don’t take it outside. I did speak to the truck that nearly reversed into me and we talked about it. If I had have reported it or if he didn’t stop he would have lost his job as he is a contractor and I wouldn’t like to see that happen. With the guy at the end that was totally unsafe.. they know he does stuff and even said over the 2 way to pull it up but he kept going, however he did make it safer after me calling it. My immediate supervisor knows why I pulled up out of the circuit so that’s all that matters. I did the right thing and protected myself first. I was and still am that the operator just dismissed my concerns. After I pulled out of it, it was his problem if anything went wrong. Without my truck in the way it did become safer and no one was going to get hurt. With me still in it it was an injury risk.

I had a guy follow me home from work one morning after nightshift. We left at the same time and I didn’t really think anything about it until he stayed at the same distance behind me if I was going slow or speeding. We got to an overtaking lane and I slowed right down so he could get around and he didn’t. Then I was starting to get scared. I knew he was staying in a caravan at the Showgrounds so I just kept driving to my house (at the time) and he didn’t turn off. I didn’t want him to know where I lived so I drove around the block and then headed back towards the Main Street, he kept following. I didn’t know what to do, I was considering going to the servo as my auntie was at work but then I thoughts is just go maccas drive thru. Nope.. he followed me there too. When I came around from picking up my order he was standing there waiting for me to drive out. He gave me his number to call him sometime. Aside from the fact that he was married with kids, he just stalked me for an hour! As if!

Anyway that was a really long winded way to say that with the tailgater I had already had some experience, if I followed I was going to call my parents who were out walking their dog and was going to meet them.

Just writing that essay has made me realise how tough the shift and drive was. I think it would have maybe upset some other people in the same scenario. Not just me. Thanks for helping with that.

I like that about anger. Yes it’s the protective anger (I never realised that there were different kinds). I was really hurt with the safety aspect at the end of shift, I talked to one of the girls that heard the 2 way conversation and she understood where I was coming from and heard the dismissive tone in his voice. That made me feel angrier that I wasn’t imagining it. Then I guess the fear also made me angry. The fact that they felt like they had the right to threaten me. I didn’t even do anything wrong.

Im hoping I can break the sleep cycle tonight! I need to catch up on some sleep.

Thanks for hearing me. It did help as I actually have no one else I could tell. Everyone would think I’m overreacting.

@Captain24 haha oh he sounds like he was such a character. Birdie was found as a baby with no feathers after him and his siblings fell out of the nest, he was the only one to survive. But he was hand raised by me and now he's all grown up, he used to be out of the cage quite a bit, he still comes out to fly around and will sit on my shoulder or head. They are such beautiful birds.

Back again @AlwaysMyself

Yep, my hair was tied in pig tails, everything was pink and purple. Mum would say my favourite colour is pink. I would just agree. You don’t second guess my mum or question her. What she says goes.

There is no space in their life for me to be me which is why I don’t know who I am, only what I am told as to who I am. I still need to learn about myself. I still don’t feel like I’m allowed to be me, whoever me is as a person.

Yep.. tackle footy in a dress with boys. Should have thought that through better shouldn’t have they! We were just kids so there was nothing in it but not a real good look though.

Gender wise though they are a lot less focused on me being the perfect girl as I’m just not.

That wasn’t my dad with th fishing trips that was flutterbug

Im so glad you can say that to your dad. That must feel so powerful, to be able to safely express yourself. I wish I was able to without getting and negative attitude back and made feel little and small.

Im so glad you were able to express your self. Do you know how envious I am of that?

There’s not much being gentle right now @MissGremlin

I went in a seen my parents and then when I came home I just jumped in here so I didn’t get any sleep. Maybe I’ll just be exhausted and sleep well tonight.

I do all the right things to sleep, but I guess maybe I’m just trying too hard? Maybe I need to relax and not stress on sleep? I don’t know.

If I figure something out I’ll share with you.

You got to the shops so that’s a good thing. You have left the house and you have done something. Did you enjoy it? Probably not but you did it.

That’s so cute.

Raising him from a baby would have been so cool. He would just be easy to handle as he has never known anything different. I’d love a bird but they are just a lot of problem when I want to go away or go to work. Plus I have the doors open all the time for the dogs.

@Captain24 i hear you sweet, i understand that it's hard to be gentle with ourselves when we are angry and frustrated.

Hopefully you do get a good night's sleep tonight, I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

They do say that sometimes trying to actually sleep can cause trouble getting to sleep, they say to just rest and if you sleep then you sleep. But it's so hard to just lay there hoping it will happen and I find myself frustrated with not having anything to do while laying there.

I did manage the shops and it wasn't too bad, I got a couple of treats for myself and got food and I didn't forget anything so that's a bonus.

He was very friendly as a baby but now if you go in his cage he'll try to eat you but when he's out he's friendly. He's got a funny personality 😂.

I’ve said the wrong thing so I’m even more angry and frustrated with myself. @MissGremlin Im sorry.

Treats sound good! Anything exciting? The not forgetting anything is well done. I write a list and still forget things. Or I’ll forget to put them on my list.

That’s too cute. His cage is his protected space.

@Captain24 you haven't said the wrong thing sweet. Just breathe ❤️.

I got a colouring book and some more pens to start my new books that @Flutterbug9 got me into ☺️.

His cage is definitely his protected space 😂

I always seem to do and say the wrong things. I don’t think first. I just speak. I’m just a horrible and self-centred person.

No wonder I’m alone in my life. I deserve to be.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. What’s underneath is becoming a bigger problem.

everything is just in a loop at the moment. Going around and around. I’m feeling lightheaded and dizzy, overwhelmed, angry, frustrated and just down right disgusted in myself.

I’m sorry @MissGremlin

That sounds interesting, are they colouring in books as well?

@Captain24 it's honestly ok sweet.

They are, they are called mystery mosaic ones ☺️.