I can’t cope

@Captain24 i hope you can get some sleep sweetheart and that things feel better tomorrow for you.

Sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️

Thank you @AlwaysMyself @MissGremlin

Im sorry I have been so difficult tonight.

Thanks for sticking by me. I hope I haven’t caused either of you and problems.

Im not sure sleep will find me as I’m too distressed but I can only try.

I am safe now I’m in bed. I wasn’t at all. The thought did cross my mind most of the night.

Im sorry.

@c-user1999

I don't perceive anything you should be sorry for @Captain24 , and you have not caused any problem or been difficult.

You are in pain. It is healthy for you to reach out. We choose to be here with you and for you.

I am glad you are safe now. 😊. And I am proud of you for making this choice.

I wish I knew how I could help you more - because I choose to care.

No need to apologise @Captain24. Thank you for reaching out and feeling comfortable sharing in this space. 🌸

I hope you're able to get some good rest tonight. 🌃

@Captain24 you have nothing to be sorry for sweetheart, I'm so proud of you for reaching out when things got tough, that takes so much strength ❤️.

I'm glad you are safe in bed, even if you can just rest for now. Snuggle with your puppies and hopefully you'll be able to drift off to sleep soon ❤️.

Thank you @MissGremlin @AlwaysMyself @c-user1999

T/W mentions suicide

I did get some sleep, I actually drifted off pretty quickly which was good. I think I was exhausted.

Sorry if that was too much.

I feel wide awake at the moment and I’m hoping I drift back off. I need to get more sleep by morning. I’m thinking of getting up and doing some of the stuff I need to do tomorrow, well today. That was suggested by my psych for when I’m awake or can’t sleep. Keep busy until I get tired again.

Im feeling less distressed than I was. It’s like I hit rock bottom and the only way is up. It’s was rough and scary. I haven’t been that bad for a while. I’ve had the thoughts and a lot of SI and passive SI but not actually suicidal. Still safe.

I see my psych in 9 days so we have a lot of work to do. I will tell her everything. She needs to know and I need to be open. She will suggest hospital but that’s just not an option especially with the high chance of needing a lot of time of work if I have the hysterectomy.

Sorry if any of this is triggering just felt the need to get it out and be open. I don’t really know why but I’m guessing it’s because I’m awake at stupid o’clock. This is my ‘spilling’ time.

Thanks so much for being there and supporting me through the mess. Sorry I’m not much support in return, I am a pretty horrible and selfish person, I don’t mean to be. Sometimes I don’t know what to say, I can just listen.

Hello @Captain24, I'm glad you were able to get some sleep.

It's great that your psychologist knows. I hear you about the plan and the means, I understand not being able to change the means but one thing I find we can do is make things harder to access should we get to that point. So for me anything i could use is usually in different locations that are also harder to reach. Not sure if it's an option for you but just thought I'd mention it.

I hope you can drift back off to sleep soon sweet. If there's things that you can do now and you feel up to doing them it might help to wear you out a bit so that you can get some more sleep before morning comes around.

I know it got really rough for a while but you did amazing to get through it, you reached out and you worked through your safety plan.

I'm really proud of you for making it through and I'm glad I could be here to support you. Sending you hugs sweetheart ❤️.

Oh and your not a horrible or selfish person at all. You listen and support me and others here. You are strong and amazing sweet, even if you don't see that right now, we do. Be gentle with yourself ❤️

I tell her pretty much everything @MissGremlin. I can’t get help if I’m not open and I’m paying her a lot of money to help me.

It’s hard with the means as it’s a daily thing. But also at the same time it’s good to know that it’s there. Even if I don’t plan on acting on it.

Im thinking I may just get up. I don’t need my sleep to be so messed up currently as I have work to face Monday. I need to get proper sleep tonight to function at work. It’s pretty stuffed around.

My psych would be impressed that I used it but she won’t be happy that I didn’t call for help! I think reaching out here helped me a lot, even though I was too much.

I have a long way to go to be gentle with myself or even see myself in a different light. Occasionally I do but not very often and I can’t hold onto it. I usually end up going and stay backwards.

Im so sorry that you are awake right now. I really hoped for you that you would be asleep.

@Captain24 it's great that you are open with her and you definitely deserve the help sweet.

Getting up might be a good idea and then maybe tonight you'll be tired from being up all day so that you can get enough sleep before starting back at work.

You might not have called for help but you did reach out here which is still seeking support. You weren't too much though sweet, you're never too much ❤️.

I hear you sweet, i find it hard to be gentle with myself aswell.

Sleep and me just don't get along 😂

She is so easy to talk to

and really understanding. She ‘gets’ it @MissGremlin

Im up and going to write a job list and start. At least that way if I go back to bed then I will know where I’m up to.

You don’t really talk about yourself much. If you ever feel like you want to I’m here to listen. I feel like it helps me get it off my chest. I have never been open until I found an awesome GP who really listened and heard me, then she left the country and went to Canada!

I’ve always been a good sleeper, since a baby, so not sleeping is hard. I also have to watch as not sleeping can bring in mania or cause mania. Bipolar is so much constant work!

I wish I could send some sleep your way.

Have you got through yet?