I can’t cope

Hey @Ru-bee @rav3n

Thank you both so much. It’s a lot to take in.

I wasn’t going to tell her how bad it’s gotten but I decided that I had to.

People think mania is just highs and euphoria but it’s not always. Mine is presenting very differently. Plus I have the depression side too so it’s a double whammy.

There is no plan B but I have to work on things. The mania won’t stop my compulsive to-do lists but I have to add in there after a few tasks I need to take some time out to cuddle and pat the dogs. Just to give me a moment of love and connection. A breather. Then I can keep going. She is hoping that by adding 5 minutes of this with the dogs it’ll grow to be a little longer. I also have to add a shower to my list as well. But it’s not to be a get in and get out thing. It has to be mindful. Just another breather. She wants me to try these things to try and be a circuit breaker. I also have to sit with my head in my knees and put an ice pack on my neck when things get overwhelming. Apparently it’s the equivalent to a cold shower.

I also have to monitor my sleep and continue doing the right things to help. I got up at 3pm yesterday, went to work came home and had an hour and a half sleep and have been on the go since. I’ve bathed both dogs, changed all my bed linen and towels and washed everything, washed my work clothes, whipper snippered the front and backyards, mown the front and just doing the back. My body is exhausted, my mind is active and I am nowhere near tired. I couldn’t go to sleep if I wanted to.

One thing though that made me feel validated is, I’m compulsive about these lists and I won’t stop them but it’s the mania and I can’t actually stop them. It’s the bipolar part of my mind that is making me do it. So when people say ‘just rest’ ‘it can wait until tomorrow’ I’m not just being difficult and want to push myself it is my bipolar telling me.

Missing you tonight @tyme. I hope it is all going well for you.

I don’t expect a response I’m just venting and I’m safe.

I have busted my arse since I got out of bed at 11. I did washing before I got into bed at 9:30. I’ve have ticked a few things off my lists and written new ones to add to the other ones. I just can’t stop.

My head is still telling me to keep going. My body is exhausted. I’m torn between the two. I’m so conflicted. It’s so messy. My mind isn’t tired, sleeping isn’t what it wants.

Im so messed up that I have intrusive thoughts. I think these thoughts and the mania are what has my psych so concerned. They are deep and dark. I am safe though, just reiterating.

All of this is just in one day. This is my everyday at the moment. Highs without the actual high itself and low lows with the intrusive thoughts and thoughts that I still need to be going.

Life is just a mess.

Gah, I am so sorry you're having to deal with this level of pain... @Captain24 😔

I thinking letting him know it doesn't feel right is a really smart move.

I wonder if your friend will be able to support you whilst they are there?

And please do give it a go, even if it's just 5 minutes of exploring that sense of grounding or safety in the body, I would be curious to hear what comes up for you. ☺️

Regarding your last post, I can definitely hear how exhausted you are feeling... I am wondering what might help to slow things down for you tonight?

I know this must be so scary right now, and I wish there was more we could do... for now, know that we will be walking alongside you as you figure all of this out, okay? 💛

I only have a week to wait to talk to him. @AuntGlow. I have written down some questions for him. I still have the pain today it’s just an added layer to everything that is happening for me right now.

I want her to enjoy herself and not have to think about what is happening with me. I’m hoping once she arrives that I’ll forget about everything and just enjoy herself company.

I will try and see what happens. My psych today suggested after doing a couple of tasks to then cuddle my dogs for 5 minutes, a bit of grounding, love and connection. With the hope that it naturally extends and starts to slowly take the pressure off. She actually wants me in hospital for my own safety but it’s just not an option

I’m still trying to figure out what to help to slow down. I haven’t found it yet. I have been physically active all afternoon. I have whipper snippered and mown the whole front and back. So I should be tired. I had a hard appointment, so I should be tired, I have had a shower, I have eaten, I have taken meds. I’m on the lounge with my dogs. I can’t switch off or slow it down.

It is scary. I’ve experienced it before but not to this extent or for so long. I don’t know what to do.

I read in another post about GROW groups.. are you a GROWer?

It’s raining !!!!!! 😃

Yaaaa @Captain24 😊

That is good news my friend 🧡

It’s pouring near one of the fires @Shaz51. We are in desperate need of it.

@Captain24 I postponed my inspection... But umm, it's cos my Pop's funeral was this morning.

Which I missed after sleeping through my alarms (it was a 'zoom funeral', which means there might be a recording, I'm not sure)... So, I think that's a reasonable enough excuse to have postponed it!

Been reading along and it sounds like quite the week you've had. I'm sorry that it's so rough, very glad your psych is so understanding and caring 💜

Yay for rain!! Did you go and dance in it? Hope it means some fresh growth!!

I’m so sorry @Jynx. I didn’t realise you lost your pop. That’s so very hard. That’s a shame you slept through. I’m sure there will be a recording somewhere.

Perfectly good reason to postpone your inspection. I was actually thinking of you today as I was scrubbing my house. I still have to hose of the back verandah but the rain put a stop to that. I’ll do it later and I still have to clean the front entrance but I need an outdoor broom for that and I don’t have one. Other than that my house is spotless! I will re-clean the kitchen, sweep, vacuum and wash the floors tomorrow just before my friend gets here. So I’m basically done. That massive impossible list got done!

It’s so tough, it’s a massive mess of a roller coaster. I just wish it was one thing not a combination of everything. One thing I think I could deal with. My psych is amazing. She is an absolute gem.

I did stand out in it but it was very cold, the temperature dropped a lot and suddenly.

Im surprised to see you today but I’m very happy about it! 😛

Im actually feeling a little tired at the moment for the first time in a little while. I mean sleep tired. Physically I’m exhausted.

How are you? How are you coping with the loss of your pop?