I can’t cope

Good afternoon, lovely! @Captain24 🫶

How has your weekend been so far?

I am glad you will get to see your psychologist this week, she will definitely be a great help here.

It's wonderful that you are able to identify what is going on and that you know you will need some extra TLC to get through this more challenging adjustment period. 🥰

Flashes is the best way to describe it. @Jynx. If you ask me to picture something I know what it looks like but can’t see it in my mind. When it’s a memory of the beach or something it’s a quick flash. I can’t hold the mental image.

I have a beach in holidays that I love to go to to swim. I would love to be able to spend sometime there but mum and dad are always waiting. So I get a good swim and a bit of a lay in the beach but that’s about it. Then there is another beach there that I love walking along and watching the sunsets. Pix loves that beach and knows where she is. We walk down the entrance and she just stands there for me to take her lead off and she goes straight to the water. She just wanders along and does as she pleases. There is rock faces where we go to on holidays as well and the waves crash against the rocks, the more violent the better! It’s something mum and I connect on. Then… there is a beach near where my psych is and the hospital I go to. I love to set on the seat and just watch it. It’s so calming and the environment that I’m there for is therapeutic.

Work was good. I had the best job and it was good. But.. we have a bbq when we work on sundays. I was eating my steak sandwich and it tasted funny so I thought ‘here we go.. covid again’ but I just couldn’t eat it. I ate maybe I third and put it down. But it turns out everyone else had a similar problem. The steak was off! I have felt sick for the rest of the day.

Jett is very different! Definitely cat/dog!

Im feeling a little better than last night. (Sorry about last night though, I failed you and I’m sorry) I actually got some sleep. I’m trying to contain the mania part and managed to talk myself into driving home safely.

How are you?

Hi @AuntGlow

Ive been at work all weekend. It hasn’t really been that bad at work. Today was a good day though.

I really need my psych right now, especially after last night.

I can ‘see’ what is happening but right now I’m having a little trouble helping myself. I’m doing the best that I can but it’s just not successful. I can see it, I can feel it but I can’t contain it.

@Captain24 for the record, it's pretty normal for AuDHD brains to struggle with holding images and things in their mind's eye. It's part of the executive dysfunction, and it's also part of why it's so hard for us to figure out the steps we need to take to get from here to there - apparently NT brains see 'there' and then work backwards to figure out how to get there. E.g. getting ready to leave the house can be sooo stressful for me sometimes cos I'm running around like a headless chook trying to make sure I haven't forgotten anything. For NT's... apparently they can 'visualise' what 'ready' looks like, or something. I saw a tip for ADHD parents once that was like, you take a photo of your child when they are ready for school and then put that somewhere visible so they can 'see' themselves as ready and work towards it each day.

Anyway... the beach!! Aww I love that you have multiple favs haha - omg how good is watching the waves crash!! I always try to take photos and they're probably 99% terrible 🤣

Oh yuck, noooo you poor thing! Food poisoning is the worst. I hope you don't end up stuck on the loo all night 🫣

Oh hun, you failed no one last night. You have nothing to be ashamed of - you were heightened and needed support, and that's all there is to it. I will accept your apology, because we all need forgiveness from time to time - but please know it is not needed. Not for me anyway.

Glad things are a little more settled today and you've gotten home safely. You back again tomorrow or day off?

I'm alright, scatter-brained but what else is new 😝

That’s interesting. I never know that people worked backwards. I’m always ‘what’s the next step’ I’m always forgetting stuff when I leave. I even got all the way to work one day and forgot to take my work bag! No food.. nothing to drink.. I did call mum and they came out and dropped it into the office for me. @Jynx

Love watching the crashing of waves. It’s so relaxing and calming.

I need to have dinner to have my meds but the thought of food makes my stomach churn. I’m guessing I’ll just have to take the ones that don’t need food and not the other ones. One of the other ones helps with sleep though so it’s rough.

I feel terrible and embarrassed. I haven’t shared that in a long time. It has been there but I’ve kept it quiet. Last night I just couldn’t and I should have. I won’t share tonight, I promise to keep it all to myself.

I work tomorrow night and Tuesday night. Then frantically sort my house ready for my friend on Friday. That all feels very overwhelming.

I have a pretty awesome image of you and scatter brained fits with it totally! 😜

I am glad today was a good day for you @Captain24. What made it feel different?

I understand.

And even though noticing might not feel like much, it's absolutely the first step being able to care for yourself; and I feel like you have really embraced this step. 🥰

What are you sensing you need more support around right now?

It was just what I was doing at work. @AuntGlow. I love that task and don’t get to do it very often and I’m good at it. It just took me out of my head for a while.

I need support with managing my very opposite moods. I need help to calm this overwhelm down. I need help with taking some of the pressure off that I put on myself. I just need support to be around. Especially right now when things feel so out of control

@Captain24 some dry toast maybe? It's my go-to 'nausea' food cos it's very plain.

Please know that you are allowed to talk about it. You made no mistakes in choosing not to suffer alone. Getting into a new habit of remembering to include whether you're safe (or if you don't feel safe, what steps you're taking to try to get there) is gonna take time, and it's a lot harder to remember these things when we're heightened. Please don't make that promise, no one deserves to suffer alone, and you are no exception to that! 🥺

Yeah I'm feeling the overwhelm with how much I have to do before Thursday. Hehe we can be the scatter-brain club! Meetings are whenever someone remembers to organise one (so... probably never lmao) 😋

I hope work isn't too hectic (no more icky steak please omg!) and that you can find some time to just be 💜

⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

Ah, that must have been such a breath of fresh air! Is it possible to do that task more often? @Captain24

Okay, well maybe we can brainstorm some go-to strategies tomorrow? Would that be helpful? 💖

I don’t have any bread @Jynx. I’ve just spend the last half an hour on the toilet. 😢

I deserve to be alone and am scared to share again what is happening. I’ve been trying to put on a good front but this is kicking me in the arse big time. I need to stop the spiralling now before I get too deep and can’t get out of it.

We are in this together and we will both get there! I hope the inspection goes well and I know you can do it. I know you won’t see this before then but just wanted to let you know that I’m behind you every step of the way.

I hope this week is good to you!