I can’t cope

Sounds like you have a lot going on today @Captain24! I hope that whatever ends up happening today feels like the right choice for you and turns out well. Sitting here with you💜

So much is going through my head right now @Peregrinefalcon.

I’m just coming down from a manic episode. Which doesn’t help

Do I have the strength to fake it for a few hours. Do I look ok. Am I going to say something stupid. Is everyone going to judge me. Is everyone going to watch me eat. Are people going to want to talk to me. Will I be able to talk back if they do.

A small part of me knows that I’m overthinking and it will be alright but the other part thinks it’s all going to go wrong. It’s just stupid and I know that but can’t change my thoughts.

Oh @Captain24, as someone who has a lot of social anxiety, I can relate so much! It is usually never as bad as we think it is, but that doesn't stop the brain from imagining 1000 worst-case scenarios!

I have totally overdone it on the social scale. I feel really sick and not ok.

Agree with @creative_writer recharging batteries is important, are you able to get some space?

I’ve come home and it’s just me and Pixie. @Jynx @creative_writer.

I was starting to really struggle at the party so I left. I feel like so much is going on and I can’t cope with it.

I don’t know if it’s the after affects of a week of mania or the massive effort I put in to go to the party.

I hate that my meds have changed because I was happy. I get that it was too happy but at least I felt good.

Also there is a married man with kids that lives across the road and for the last 3 every time I’m out in the front yard he comes over. His conversations are becoming uncomfortable and have a double meaning. He is also saying that he knows the layout of my house. (It is a new build and he checked it out before lockup stage) He is starting to trigger me. I’m starting to feel uncomfortable in my own home. My previous SA was my fault because I invited that person into my home at the time. I am not sure and not comfortable with what he is alluding to. It’s really starting to freak me out.

It’s like the party is what has tipped me over the edge but I feel completely messed up and not in a good place at all.

I am safe but I don’t feel safe. I know that doesn’t make any sense.

Ohhh no that makes total sense @Captain24 - something is ringing your alarm bells! Even if you are physically safe, your system feels unsafe. I call it lizard-brain, it's in charge of fight/flight/freeze/fawn and it makes total sense that your neighbour asking you intrusive questions like that might send lizard-brain into overdrive.

I also want to just take a moment to say that your SA was NOT YOUR FAULT! You are not guilty of the actions of your perpetrator, and inviting a person into your home is a completely normal action. I am sorry I just couldn't not say something when I read that, I hope I haven't overstepped.

It sounds like you're in a state of flux right now, like being outside your comfort zone at a party, having meds changed, and having this odd behaviour from someone living close to you... all these things would definitely contribute to an overall feeling of unease.

I hope some Pixie cuddles and being in your own comfort zone can help you regulate and reassure yourself. We are here with you as well 💜

No you definitely didn’t overstep @Jynx. It’s hard not to blame yourself in that circumstance.

I like the lizard-brain. I have so many negative thoughts and urges running through my head. It’s just so hard.

I just feel like a complete mess tonight. I feel dirty. I can see him. I can remember that moment in time. I had buried it a long time ago but now it’s back at the surface. I know I will bury it again.

Everything is just too much today.

Im just snuggling on the lounge with Pixie and I have all my blinds shut. @creative_writer