I can’t cope

I have to rest and really look after myself. @tyme. I’ve still got 2 weeks of holidays to go. But I don’t know what else to do. I have to stop pushing so hard. 2 things a day.

It was cold but not as cold as yesterday. It was freezing when I got home so I had a hot shower and put my pjs on. I’m finally warm.

I got home around 5:15. I’ve unpacked everything and sorted the washing out. My dogs were so excited and are now asleep as they are so tired from walking twice a day everyday. Both are on me! They haven’t left my side.

I thought you were taking a step back? At least you know that they will be fed and clothed.

Yay for two things left! Are the big or little things?

I hope things go well in that you take some time for yourself, but if you're like me, some times I feel worse for not getting things done which means 'relaxing' is not an option. Rather, I wonder if going easy on yourself means you still do things, but you schedule in self-care time?

As for taking a step back for this family, I am! This IS taking a step back! I'm just dropping stuff off at the house and not doing everything else lol.

So I guess tomorrow is all about doing the washing and stuff?

The two things on the sticky notes - one is big and one is small. But I'm procrastinating with both!

I plan to tackle the big one tomorrow. @Captain24

For me tomorrow, I'm not really sure what I'm doing yet. I still have to think about it. I think I've got a lot of admin stuff to do. When I'm able, I still need to go back to that course I started ages ago. That's been at a standstill for about a year!

I feel like I have to earn the time to relax. @tyme Not just do it. I can try and do some stuff just not push myself to get so much done and then start on the next days list when I finish the days list.

My MH is sliding though and I didn’t realise that until I went away and slowed down.

She put it that I’m in the bus and I need to get off it before it crashes. I think I need to listen to her but I just don’t know if I can. I wrote notes for the next two days before I went away. But my body is exhausted.

Yeah washing tomorrow of it’s not raining. I have two loads to do.

You have such a big heart. Stepping back still means you are helping.

I hope you are able to push to do it. Procrastination is so hard. Apparently it’s a ADHD thing. Self talk seems to help! My psych was proud of my self talk I just need to use it in a better way to say it’s ok to stop.

My psych was half way through two sentences today and forgot what she was saying. I just said ADHD! She laughed as she threw it at me a couple of times.

I struggle with not planning ahead. You do lots of admin work. Is it just for SANE? Maybe when things start getting a little easier you can go back to it.

Arghhhh... the joys of life @Captain24 . I don't know how else to put it! These things are so stressful yet when we consider it, pretty much everyone has these things prop up from time to time.

I was listening on the news today about this program that they want to bring into schools which is to teach little kids about their feelings. It was an interesting debate, and a psychologist shared that if we over-patholgise things and teach kids to use words like 'anxiety', then they will grow up thinking it's a problem and a mental health issue. So this psychologist was against bringing all of this teaching into schools which I sort of agree. I feel they need to be aware to some extent, but not to the point where everything is 'anxiety'. This psych was saying that we need to teach kids that having worries here and there is totally normal.

Another person also said that if young kids are faced with 'anxiety', then it's not about doing work with the kids, but rather, the parents - to support them to help their kids to face these anxieties rather than avoid them.

Sorry. The above was random, but it was in my head and I wanted to get it out as a way to consolidate it in my head!

But I was just thinking how there are just so many things in like that pop up for us and they are huge mountains, but when we consider it, there are so many others who go through similar things.

Of course this doesn't make it any less stressful for us....

Now back to your questions. With my role on SANE, I'm supposed to be spending a lot less time on the forums and more time doing paper work. I have a lot of policies and manuals to work on, but I haven't really made much time to work on those yet.

I also have a lot of training and stuff that i need to work on and play catch up with because they are due!

So yeah, that's where my time is going @Captain24

I also have training videos to watch which are a few hours long.

Yeah I get that others are worse off and I shouldn’t be complaining. @tyme I just need to get on with it and deal with it.

I think feelings is a good thing to make them a normal thing and not something to hide. I don’t agree with labelling them though. It’s not something they need to know it’ll just increase the ‘anxiety’ when it’s not.

Thanks for explaining. It sounds like you do so much. Do you enjoy it? Are your sticky notes all work stuff? I wouldn’t focus for that long with watching a video.

My sitcky notes are all work stuff @Captain24 !

As boring as my life sounds, I think that's what drives me and keeps me going.

I think I've shared with you before that I spent nearly 15 years under the bed sheets and didn't accomplish anything... so it seems like I'm now making up for it. Then again, I also feel it's my 0 to 100 personality with no in betweens.

When I'm on SANE, i like being on the forums. The admin stuff is a bit too dry. But I also like getting things in order. I used to work on phones but I really didn't like it. It's just not my thing. I do groups sometimes, but also not my thing lol. I like the webinars though.

Who knows what will become of me in 5 years times.

To be honest, it seems like a long time, but I've only been 'well' enough to do things for just over 5 years.... it's really not that long. But I can say that I feel I have accomplished a lot in those 5 years compared to my many years before.

What are your future goals? Do you have any? At this stage, I don't really have any future goals...

That sounds hectic. Do you do anything for yourself? @tyme Do you get tired?

15 years is a long time. It’s been 3 for me and that’s long enough. Well I guess it’s basically be my whole life just a different points and varying levels.

Im 0 - 100 to and I think thats

my problem. Not that I can really share anymore about what’s going on. I just need to remember most of the others are worse off.

I get the getting things in order but so much admin would derail me. You do really well.

I think you would have been good on the phones. But you don’t like talking and prefer writing.

5 years isn’t really that long ago.

I don’t have any goals. Nothing to work towards. I’m not even sure I’ll be alive in 5 years time so I guess it’s hard to plan.

Totally agree with you with all aspects @Captain24 .

Seems like we're on the same page.

I do what I can, but I'm finding that lately, my brain is a lot more scattered and I'm forgetting a lot more things.

Oh well... time will tell...

Who knows what either of us will be in 5 years time!

Anyway, take care. I'm wrapping up and will see you next time.

Hope all goes well tomorrow.

That's smart. Medications can be a lot for our sensitive stomach linings. I am glad you're taking care of yourself. @Captain24

It's good to know you have gotten home in one piece! Was the city vibe okay to manage in the end?

Aww, they must be very exhausted. Does this mean they are being good? 👀

Thank you - now I have to source a sofa, but will definitely be on a budget, because this fortnight has cost an arm and a leg!

Okay, is this what your psych suggested? I think setting an intention to achieve two things a day is perfect. And dropping anchor every day will be really helpful when bigger feelings come up.

You can always message here when you are practicing this too, it might be nice to know people can hold space for you, even if it is a virtual hold. 💛

The city vibe was ok because we just spent the day in the waters edge in the rain. I didn’t venture near people or the busy parts. I left before peak hour traffic too so that was good. @AuntGlow

They have been fairly good. Pix barely moved all night. Mind you I did have to sleep on the wrong side of the bed as she was in the way. She didn’t even get up to ask me for breakfast. She only came out when I was getting it ready. Jett has recovered reasonably well and is just being Jett.

Im sure it’s been an expensive couple of weeks. All the bond, the moving, the fridge and I’m sure there is so much more.

My psych said cleaning my house every second day is overkill and to

limit myself with the tasks that I do. She suggested 2 tasks a day.

Dropping anchor scares me as I’ve been so busy pushing all the thoughts away by keeping so busy. Dropping anchor will bring them back up and then I’ll have to feel them again. By doing so much stuff I was trying to prove that I was recovery focused and trying really hard. If it all comes up then I will fail at the whole recovery focused thing. Plus I’m scared as to where my MH will end up.