I can’t cope

I think with how rainy it has been, how busy you are, and how understandably exhausted you are as a result - leaving the floors until mid-week is more than okay. I think this is one of those moments you may be able to challenge yourself and say, 'actually, I can be gentle with myself here, because there are quite a few factors out of my control and I am doing my best'. @Captain24

Ah, that couple sound like they really enjoy your company, but that would be tiring... can you set a boundary with them at all?

Yes, that makes so much sense. And it will feel really alien to operate differently. Over time, slowly but surely - we can build up to it. ☺️

Oh, how are you feeling about seeing your therapist in person by the way? That's happening soon, right?

Okay, so by the sounds of it, it's the 'I didn't do enough, I don't deserve anything' thought pattern that can trigger these bigger feelings?

Yeah.. I tried swapping my day around and it didn’t work at all. @Jynx. I slept in and decided to do my chores after lunch. Never again. Massive meltdown. I’m not coping. I feel so agitated and on edge.

Nothing will matter if I don’t do the floors. But it makes me feel like I have failed by not doing them. I clean my house 2 -3 times a week. So not finishing makes it feel not right.

I’m black and white @AuntGlow so there isn’t an ok with not finishing. It’s something I have to change. Just not sure how and not sure how comfortable I am with it.

I can’t even say I’m in a hurry and try to get away. It’s like I’m stuck and I barely get a word in. I don’t think many people talk to them. I’m it. It takes so much outta me though.

I’ve got a long way to go to change my patterns. I don’t think I can. I find it so much easier to get up and do it then rest all afternoon. It’s not always going to work out that way though and I need to learn to adapt without melting down.

Im nervous about in person. It’s a different dynamic. But it is good. I’ll be able to do it a bit more as the days get longer. But 4 hours each way is a long day.

Yeah the I don’t deserve it is tough, it feels disappointing that I wasn’t good enough to be able to do everything. But it’s the way it so. I’m not deserving.

Meltdown escalating… need to slow it down.

@Captain24 bring it back to breath if you can.

I totally don't want you to feel like a failure! I know that on some level you know that you aren't, but that feeling can be hard to shake. What do you think would feel worse, that 'failure' feeling, or the feeling of overwhelm from pushing past your energy limits? I don't know the answer btw lol - that's for you to decide for yourself 💜

I just had a dinner of steak and veggies. So I’m trying to eat properly still @Jynx

Trying to breathe. I need to gain control so I don’t end up the same.

I think failure feels worse the overwhelming feeds into it. I couldn’t finish because I was overwhelmed but that meant I failed. Does that make sense?

@Captain24 oooh yum, and good on ya!! Hearty meals warm the soul hehe

Totally makes sense hun. You're measuring your worth based on whether you can tick all the boxes to ensure you can feel settled, but not having the energy means you failed at it. Is it helpful for me to say...so what? Every human is a failure because we all stuff things up. Or... none of us are failures because it's only human to make mistakes! It all comes back to narrative, in my books!

Maybe you failed to do the floors, but you succeeded at so many other things today. So why does 'failure' get the spotlight?

IDK if this is helpful or not, cos I know you're likely feeling a bit on the edge - I know I do whenever I'm in meltdown territory. Also, complex/higher modes of thinking, like conceptualisation and narratives - bit harder to process when brain is on alert!

So I'm happy to shift to more practical stuff or casual chats if that would be better right now 💜

It’s hard @Jynx. I know it’s not right and I should see things differently but in my head that’s the way it is. But in saying that I would never think that of someone else. I just expect so much from myself. It’s to prove to myself that I’m not useless, unless i fail, but to also prove to you guys that I’m being recovery focussed. I feel like failing is proving that I’m not trying hard enough. I feel like you all will think that I’m not helping myself by not doing stuff.

Yeah.. let’s shift. Please, if that’s ok. I don’t want you to think I’m not trying though.

I get that, I have some patterns that feel impossible to shift as well, because they run so deep. But I do know it's possible, it just means slowly exploring the things that don't feel natural - the things that are uncomfortable and challenging. (I know, I wish there was an easier way, gah!) But I do know that shifting through things is possible. For example, you're already doing so many hard things to allow yourself to learn and grow, like going to therapy. That isn't easy, so please let that sit for a moment. ☺️ @Captain24

I know this part of you unwaveringly believes that you're undeserving, they are allowed to be there.

I think through chair work, you will start to get to know some other parts of yourself that are Team Captain. 🥰

I know you want to redirect - are you looking forward to anything this week?

Chair work scares me. I reacted really badly to it @AuntGlow

Maybe one day I’ll be on the right road. Right now I’m having trouble seeing it.

At 8 am Friday morning I’ll be home from work for the last time for 4 weeks. I guess that’s all I got.