I can’t cope

Hey @Captain24 , I'm slowly getting through your posts and it feels like I've missed out on soooo much! Yikes!

Things have been happening, and you have been conquering! Good on you.

I really hope this med does the trick. It's been too long and you deserve better. Did you see the Bipolar Resources Hub? https://www.sane.org/bipolar-resources

I look forward to talking about this more - maybe on Sunday night?

If they need a peer worker, doesn't that tell you something @Captain24 ? That there are MORE peopel than you probably think who really need the help.

Whenever I share my story, you probably think, When will I be in that same place? Well it sounds like you're there! Good on you.

As for exposure therapy, I really think you have to want it. Yes you should feel uncomfortable, but it shouldn't put you in a place of being terrified.

Secret? I was TERRIFIED of dogs for most of my life. I didn't start being okay around dogs until I have about 17 or 18.

When I say terrified, I mean utterly terrified.

I know you probably can't stay to talk, but I'll tell you about that 'exposure' therapy another time.

Yeah.. I’ve missed you @tyme. Lots has been going on.

I’ll see how it all turns out. I’d like to be able to help others. Even if I can help just one person. I am concerned that the training could be triggering but I’ll have a plan sorted for afterwards to re-regulate. Hopefully. I can talk the talk but can I walk the walk! Maybe something is working with these med changes. I don’t know. Sometimes I think so and others I don’t.

She is working on my snake phobia. She wants to get it under control quickly rather than leave it until later. She was really good, she watched me closely and stepped back if it was causing more distress. I need to sort it out though. I can’t even mow my lawn. I can’t go around to the side of the house that the snake was. I won’t let the dogs out unsupervised. It’s really bad. Plus I see the snake in my mind all the time and when I’m trying to go to sleep.

I didn’t know that about you. That must have been really hard with so many dogs around.

I read that bipolar stuff. Sometimes I find it gives me hope that one day I will be stable and stay stable. Then other times it’s only 2% of the population so why me? I spend most of my time in a depressive episode and reading about it makes it even more real. If that makes sense. I do wish people would understand it more. It’s not depression it’s deeper.

Im going to get ready for bed but I will chat to you when I get home from work on Sunday. I really want to know about your exposure therapy. This is the first time I’ve experienced it. Plus your presentation (I know.. you haven’t done it yet!!) oh and your packing! 😜

Yeah, well remember, you have the reins. If you feel its too much, let them know in the training, or step away for a bit of a breather. Is it only you going through the training, or will others do it too @Captain24 ? I remember you saying that your org is pretty big.

You know how I got over my MAJOR dog phobia? (and I found it works with other things too).

First, I looked at cute pictures with dogs. Then I moved to videos of dogs doing cute things. Then it moved to looking at cute puppies at pet shops or on you tube. Then it went to patting them while they were behind a barrier. Then it moved to patting them when someone was holding them and so on. It took time, but it worked.

Have I told you at something similar was with emergency services' sirens? I had a huge phobia and would totally panic. I began by watching about 30 episodes of parademics helping people. Then when I heard sirens, I practiced mindful breathing and came home and watched more episodes of highway patrol or paramedics so I could connect my brain with the sirens and something positive. At this stage, I still need to do this once in a while to maintain it - so I'm not FULLY over this fear yet.

Our brains are sooo interesting @Captain24

Hope you're okay. I just really wanted to tell you this, but I hope to catchya tomorrow night when I'm on.

Hey @Captain24 , you around?

I just got home @tyme

Did you do your exposure therapy with a therapist or by ourself?

Im suppose to be writing about the snake twice a day. So far I’ve only managed to do it twice. I did look at cartoon snakes though. Some were ok but others sent my heart rate up.

You can take back those happy tears. Apparently a few people have already done this training and a guy from my crew is doing it at the same time. There will be a few from around site I’m guessing so it’ll test my social phobia as I won’t know them!

Are you here this Wednesday and Thursday?

When do you go away? Can you say?

Hows the presentation going?

Hope work was okay @Captain24

Why should I take the happy tears away? YOU were nominated to do the training. You will be able to offer support in a way no one else will be able to. Also, look at it that you will learn something for yourself. It can be used in other areas of life, not just your work. Is this something you can consider?

I am leaving Monday week, early morning. And no, the presentation has gone no where lol. Not a letter or word more than when I spoke about it last. I'm not stressed though.

Yes, I should be here on Wed-Fri unless I'm pulled away for something else. I've got a lot of meetings to attend and work to do, so who knows? But I'll check in with you when I'm free?

Oh, and the exposure therapy was done at home by myself, but my psych talked about it with me. He didn't give me strategies or anything, but I did talk about the fear with him.

What I found is that when there was someone was telling me I had to get over it and I wasn't ready, it wasn't going to work. I had to WANT it for it to work. I remember having to gulp air in a lot when I first started. Each time I heard a siren or saw a dog, my heart rate spiked and I struggled to breathe.

Rather than just exposing myself to the trigger, I had to link it to something pleasant. It was to train the brain that dogs and sirens were not 'negative'. The more I linked it with a happy moment, then better it got.

So I'm thinking if you can link snakes with something pleasant (cartoon, meme, game) then it helps. Remember on those old NOkia phones that had the Snake game? LOL

Work was ok @tyme. I was doing a job that I was enjoying and then got taken off of to do something else. Then I broke my truck so I sat in a meal room from 2:45-7! Oh and it’s been raining all day and the roads, the truck park ups, everything is made of dirt so everything is now muddy. You should see my work clothes!

I am keen to do the training, I want to see what it entails. But I’m pretty sure I’m the only one with so much lived experience with a mental illness. I’m guessing it’ll help with being able to help anyone that comes into my life needing support.

That must be the adhd brain! Procrastinating. I guess you’ve left so much to the last minute you know in yourself that it’ll be fine.

Yeah can you check in when you can please? I want to tell you how the training is going!

The exposure is all through my psych. She instigated it last week when she discover how my fear had turned into a phobia. I’m guessing doing it under her guidance will push me but keep me safe. It scares me how much I have let my guard down around her. I guess it’s a good thing, it means I feel comfortable and safe. I have never let my guard down so much with a professional or with anyone in my real life.

I want this fear to go. It’s stopping me from going about stuff at home. I’m locked inside, I can’t mow the lawn, I won’t let the dogs out. I wouldn’t even put my garbage bin out. Dad did it. I see it in my mind all the time. It has taken over.

It’s hard for a snake to be pleasant!!! 😜

I like how you did it. It sounds like it has worked. I just need to find something pleasant about a snake! I do remember the game. I use to play it all the time.

What??? You were just in the meal room for 4 hours- doing what? Twiddliing your thumbs? @Captain24

Yes, we'll just have to talk Nokia snake. Such a stupid but addictive game. I used to connect 2 phones via bluetooth and play with 2 snakes.

Snake memes helpful? But yes, that's how I worked on it. I had to want it from within.

I remember working on my dog phobia for so long, then after a long time, we got my labrador, Allie. She jumped on me and I SCREAMED even though I wanted the dog so much. Then, I had to keep playing with her to take the fear away.

It's a process.

And yes, I'll check in with you when I'm on during the week.

Yes.. I spent 4 hours doing absolutely nothing. @tyme. I did have times when people were in there with me but mostly I was on my own! It was a really long afternoon! All the mechanical trucks were in use and the electric trucks don’t do well with wet roads. They slide all over the place and are dangerous for what I was doing.

I’ve just had a shower and found mud on me that must have fallen down the front of my shirt! My clothes have been sprayed with stain remover and are soaking. The drips that fell on my from the truck had coal dust in them so that stained everything

I havent looked for snake memes. I’m too scared as to what I could find. There is too much risk involved.

I want to have a healthy fear/respect for snakes. I don’t want to be complacent as we have a lot of browns and they are quite dangerous especially with dogs. But to be able to enjoy the backyard again. To watch the dogs do zoomies around the yard. Just to be out there without having an anxiety attack. Well it borders on a panic attack.

Yes. The snake game is safe. I never thought to Bluetooth them.

I scream if a big dog comes near me or a jump back and I won’t touch one unless it’s a breed that I see as safe!

That must have been hard to want your dog but be fearful at the same time. At least you had done all the work previously.