I can’t cope

My initial appointment was $880 @tyme. The follow ups are $384. At least you can get Medicare rebates for it. It’s not much though. My psych is $220 a session and my dietitian is $190. I’ve only got 2 more subsided psych sessions to go. It’s a lot! But it is better care than comm health. At least I’m not getting invalidated by my CM. I thought she was good but now I’m realise just how hard she made things. Always telling me that my bipolar was under control. Not getting me into the Pdoc.

I’m hoping it goes smoothly but I have 8 days to wait.

Im feeling a little dismissed… was that your intention? It’s ok if it was. I know that I have been too much recently and tonight is a struggle too.

Hey @Captain24 ,

You have a new CM? I must've missed that. You mean a case manager?

Also, dismissed? Thank you for telling me how you feel. But no, that was not my intention at all. I'm sorry if my responses feel dimissive. Totally totally not my intention. But it's good to clarify.

Maybe it's that I'm fitting 1 week's worth of work into one night. Sorry!

I'm here for you. I honestly do not have any intention to dismiss your challenges.

My CM discharged me at the end of last year but only now am I seeing how damaging she actually was. @tyme. It’s way more expensive with out them but so much better care. I look forward to my appointments and not dread them.

It’s ok that’s just how it seemed. I should have thought about you and how busy you would be catching up. I’m sorry.

I didn’t mow my lawn or bath my dogs today. I just couldn’t. I went to the markets and to the supermarket and tried to dodge people but they kept seeing me and I had to talk. I dread the most when someone sings out my nickname. That means that they are from work and I just don’t want to talk to them outside of work.

I’ve just taken medication that shows up in a drug test so that if we get a test tomorrow I will fail and get stood down until the official results are in. That way I can try and make an appointment with my psych on Tuesday. If not I’ll just have to wait until the following week.

Im very irritable. My dogs keep licking me and I hate it and they won’t stop. It’s really p!ssing me off. I feel so bad because I yelled at them. They don’t deserve that. I’m a really bad mum. They really would bet better off without me.

Awww hun @Captain24 . Those thoughts are so loud. I can hear that. Must be so hard for you.

As for your CM, I think a change is always good. I feel that when you've had someone for a long time, 'fresh eyes' can make a huge difference. Otherwise, this 'carer's fatigue' might occur. Would you say there were SOME okay parts to having your CM?

But yes, I hear how closely things are for you at the moment.

I really wish I could take away the yucky stuff that you are experiencing right now. I can 'feel' it, but I don't what how to put it in words. I mean, that irritability can be so frustrating. In a way, it seems your babies can 'feel' it too.

I hope you can find a way to work through these thoughts. Hugs.

There was some really good points with her but I’m actually not missing her. I feel like I’m now being heard. @tyme

Yeah.. it’s tough. Real tough. I’m just trying to not make the same mistake as last night. Even though it was the best option.

Im not really ok but I'm trying.

I think they know which is why they won’t stop licking. I hate it when they lick, it’s disgusting. But right now it seems way more than usual. They are both asleep on me right now so I have some peace.

Hahaha @Captain24 . Awwww, babies. It reminds me of what my sister said tonight, "Kids are so annoying!" coz they are! Love-Hate relationship.

Ruby doesn't lick us much at all. She 'love' for us consists of biting our clothes and pulling us. It's really annoying.

I hear you are doing your best @Captain24 . I really do.

With your CM, it feels like by the end, she just didn't know what to do anymore. I wonder if this is why community MH provides case managers only for 6-8 wks or so, unless it is a chronic condition that needs close monitoring for safety reasons.

I love them sooo much I hate it when I get cranky at them. It hurts me. I hope they forgive me. @tyme. I don’t know which one is worse, the licking or the biting. I’m thinking Jett is finally out of the biting stage. Well hopefully.

We don’t have the CM’s for that around here. I was with her for 2 1/2 years. I think she was just over me at the end. I couldn’t get well and stay well so maybe I was just too much. I haven’t looked back though. I’m better off I feel like my psych is way better support and this Pdoc seems like she will be ok too.

Im tired. I’m drained. I’m exhausted. I want to give up and I want to hurt.

How are you going? Anything exciting happen today?

Hugs @Captain24 ,

I hear your pain. But I can also agree that it was prob time to move on from you CM. I'm glad to hear your current supports seem more helpful.

Interesting in my life? I don't know if I'm doing too much more what but my brain is like this big fog. Supposedly, my sister told me how to use her washing machine and I totally do not recall ANY of it.

Also, when I took my meds this morning, I didn't even think about what I was taking. I need to be more mindful when taking meds.

So no, NOTHING interesting has been happening for me. My brain is just one big confused mess lol. I just want to sit in the sun and do nothing.

So this year, I'm going overseas in May, then I'm going camping in Sept/Oct, then overseas again in Dec. It's going to be a busy year.

Am I right in saying you haven't been overseas before? I can't remember if it was you who said that.

I’m outside and I can hear the cows mooing! @tyme

So a pretty difficult day then.

I’ve been to the South Island of New Zealand. That was a school excursion.

Ive also been to Spain and Ireland. I always say it was ‘God camp’. It was for world youth day and I went a saw the pope.

Sounds like a pretty busy year for you. You’ll catch up on your annual leave. Can you all say where you are going in December? Cool if you can’t.

Cows mooing @Captain24 ? You know, I really like cows for some reason. I love their eyes for some reason. I'd choose cows over sheep any day. lol.

Oh, so it wasn't you who hasn't been overseas. I wonder who it was? NZ is lovely. I've been there many times.

Spain and Ireland sound interesting. I haven't been there.

I'd like to go to Japan. In Dec, I'm going to Singapore and India. My cousins are in Singapore. So we'll go to Singapore to see them most probably (unless they are visiting Australia at that time). Then we'll go to India. I've been to India before and I love their culture. This time, we are going to a different part - not sure where though.