I can’t cope

ohh so it's a bit of a wait-and-see sort of situation now, hopefully we're able to get some answers soon! @Captain24

also i'm finishing up soon, really hope you get the best sleep of your life today!! 💗

@Captain24 yes yes of course!! I would never want you to rush hun, and I did indeed unload a whole BUNCH of words at you, so take all the time you need.

Ach okay I ended up writing a whole bunch of stuff about silliness and stuff... but you expressed a boundary to me about being overwhelmed so I'm gonna save it for tomorrow. Remind me, if you like!

My weekend was pretty good actually, I managed to get out for some barefoot running and also did a whole bunch of processing! My therapist is gonna have to run a very dense session for me next time ahaha. How about you?

Oh no time... time is up! I will have to hear about your weekend tomorrow!! Rest well, hopefully some sleep will help you consolidate the info dump hehe. Night! 😉💜

I just had an appointment with my psych @Jynx. It was good. I told her how I have no enjoyment. She said it comes with being depressed. I’m not to overlaid myself with things like the diamond art and Lego. It’s not working currently so give it a break. She likes that I’m trying new things. Maybe something will click and it may change the chore feel. If it feels like a chore then don’t do it. It’s not failing if I can’t do it.

I had to reach out and text my bestie that I am struggling at the moment. I need to look after my inner child and nurture her the way I need to be nurtured.

It was good to be validated and acknowledged that this is how I feel and how I am. That it’s ok. I said to her that I was worried that she would think I was ok because I had mown my back yard. That’s what has happened previously.

I was completely honest with her. I told her everything. SH urges and SI. She was so understanding and accepting. She wants me to reach out to crisis lines before I hit crisis, when I have SH urges. She understood the pain to be having those urges and said that suicidal thoughts aren’t far behind.

She asked what I was feeling when I have the SH urges. I rattled if a list of emotions. Because I could name them she was proud. I told her I see progress with in myself and could acknowledge it. That made her proud as well.

She said to watch a movie or go to my front room and read a book. Maybe have a bath or go and sit in the sun.

I really like her and have so much respect for her.

I feel like I am already a lot further than I was before I went to hospital.

Shame is a huge thing for me and yes I feel ashamed that all the self-care that I’m ‘supposed’ to do isn’t working. Yes I feel like I’m failing. I’m failing big time. But after today’s appointment it is still there but not as deep.

I do need to find play more. I just don’t know how too. Right now I’m sitting in the lounge talking myself into mowing the front lawn. But I actually feel like I’d rather be doing the mosaic I started. That’s a good sign after my appointment. Maybe it can be a reward after I have done the lawn, cooked meals for work, cleaned the kitchen and ironed my work clothes.

Feel free to do your fabulous word vomit on silliness. I’m up for it if you still are. I’m trying to take as much out of everything to get out of this slump.

That’s my word vomit for the day!!!!

@Captain24 my goodness you have had an enormous day of processing. I'm so proud of you!! And your bestie sounds like a very good egg. It's such a unique feeling, that kind of warm acceptance and validation. I'm glad you got to feel that today.

Oh yay!! A creative urge! I hope you do get to do some mosaic today - and in fact, as difficult as it can be to tell ourselves this, I would put things like art and fun and self-care as being just as high a priority as stuff like lawns and dishes and clothes. As in... like yes it can be awesome to have it as a motivator for doing our chores and stuff, but it also deserves time and energy dedicated to it, so be wary of burning through all of your day's energy on the (still important but not as fun) chore kind of tasks and then ending up with no energy to actually engage in the fun reward thing you actively wanted to do.

Okay! Silliness stuff from last night, it's a copy paste so it responds to your post from last night:

Oh! That might be a place to start then hun, just dip a toe into some silliness when you're completely by yourself and see what happens! I bet you feel all weird and sheepish, I know I used to. But again, all we are doing is slowly showing our system that these things that it is trying to protect us from, aren't actually unsafe at all. Every time you engage in a little bit of silly and nothing bad happens, it will reaffirm to your system that this is an ok thing to do! If you worry your parents will have a go at you for it though, don't do it in front of them! If they want to be all boring that's their choice lol but you can protect your silly from those who would make it feel unwelcome!

I'm gonna guess that you feel a sense of shame when acting silly because you were raised to believe that adults are serious and mature, and so if you act silly no one will like you and you'll end up alone... fun fact: adults should ALWAYS find time to be silly, it is society that is wrong! One of my fav quotes that I live by is, "You don't stop playing when you get old, you get old when you stop playing."

My favourite, very easy kind of silly is making my little noises. Whenever I'm pottering around the house, I kinda make little meeps and mrrrps and nyas and boopedy boops. Sometimes I do funny little sound effects for whatever I'm doing too. It's not a BIG amount of silly, just a teensy bit of playfulness that I nurture in my daily life. Oh! And another one is that I make up dumb little songs about my cats!! Haha if I could upload an audio recording of one I would 😋 Do you ever do stuff like that for your puppers?

It’s been a very big day @Jynx. I’ve almost cleaned the kitchen and I have to iron my work clothes. I don’t think I have it in me to do the front lawn though. I’ll see what happens. I might do the next bit though so it can dry while I’m doing stuff.

You thrive on going against society’s norms don’t you! You’d be really fun to be around. Oh and running barefoot… ouch.

I actually do make random noises. It’s really fun to do it with the dogs as they cocked their heads, especially Pix.

Yeah shame totally comes into being silly but I feel like I’ve lost it, but did I ever even had it. The constant ‘stop being silly’ ‘stop being stupid’ usually stuff followed after. So it’s like it’s been beaten out of me literally. (Delete if inappropriate)

Oh to have the confidence or ability, I guess. Having fun would feel awesome.

@Captain24 eeee hooray for our random lil noises!! Haha you might enjoy this meme:

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@Captain24 wrote:

You thrive on going against society’s norms don’t you!

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Honestly... yes. Yes I do 😅 Because most of them are really, really dumb. Breaking free of the urge to fit in with 'most people' and finding a little pack of weirdos to hang out with was the best thing I've ever done for my social life. I actually think it's one of the things that being trans/nonbinary has helped me with. When you've already spent your whole life feeling like you've been smushed into a very particular, very rigid box, and then see that you don't actually have to stay cramped into it, and you realise you can legitimately just do whatever the f#%k you want... now that is a very freeing realisation. So I pushed past this inner resistance and went and started buying men's clothes, and I stopped forcing myself to put on makeup, and you bet it was really hard and awkward at first! But like... when you start to take these kinds of steps, it makes taking other kinds of steps (like going and dancing down the street or randomly climbing a tree or you know... doing stuff that for whatever DUMB REASON our society decided was 'just for children') a lot easier. Maybe you just need to find your first little steps that you can take!

I think another thing is that my weird is not harmful weird (e.g. I don't go freak people out on the street or play horrible pranks), it's just the weird that makes people uncomfortable. And I think 99% of the time, that discomfort isn't cos they don't like what I'm doing, but because they aren't used to someone expressing themself so freely, and maybe there's a little part of them that wishes they could be free in the same way.

You did have it effectively 'beaten' out of you - emotionally by the sounds of it. It still leaves scars, just on the heart. You didn't lose it, you repressed it. I'm really sorry that you had to do so in order to survive. But it does mean it is not lost, and that yes, you absolutely had this desire for play as a child. If you didn't, we wouldn't be sitting here talking about it, because it wouldn't be of such interest to you. I think this is where some inner child work/gentle re-parenting can really help. So that you can connect to that young version of yourself and reassure her that it's okay to play.

Whew!! Big word vomit. Feel free to take your time chewing on all of that, and if you wanna take another breather from the heavy stuff after this, let me know. Only so much info our brains can process in a day!

It’s hard to be ‘weird’ where everyone knows you. @Jynx. Maybe that also impacts. I think you are so strong. I’m not sure I can do that so I’ll need to find stuff that’s more subtle. My inner child needs a lot of work. I’m just proud right now that I have found my inner child. A psych in hospital helped me find her.

I see now that it’s hard for me to find the fun and silliness because of what happened. I don’t have the confidence but I guess it’s something I need to work on. I don’t know whether I can or not but I can try and find it in the safety of my own house.

I like the part where you stopped forcing yourself to wear make up. I don’t remember the last time I wore makeup. All my makeup is way out of date! I’m not overly feminine. I don’t wear dresses or skirts. I’m a shorts and shirt kinda gal.

When did you know you were trans/non binary?

@Captain24 oh yes, if you're still around all the people or in the place where all the people are who punished you for your weirdness, then I would say it would be soooo hard if not impossible to fully be able to let loose. That has nothing to do with you either that's just our brains, and well... Like I said in my post before - to be able to convince your system that silliness is safe, you need to be able to do it without getting that same traumatic punishing response. So if your parents, your neighbours, your home town folks, any of em are likely to make you feel like crap for trying something a little different, then it's not exactly gonna show your system it's okay, is it?!

And like, I think that could be something to work towards, because we don't actually know for sure how much you'd be judged or excluded or whatever by these people. But even if there's just the chance it could happen, that already introduces a sense of vulnerability hey. So maybe once you have built up some confidence, like another thing you eventually wanna be showing your system is that actually yes, sometimes people WILL be buttheads to you for simply expressing yourself - but it also won't destroy you anymore. I reckon getting to that point for me was greatly helped by living in another country for 6 months. What you may find helpful is a clean slate! Since no one knew me, and I knew I wasn't staying forever, I didn't have to care as much if they didn't like me. But I know a clean slate like that is much harder to find than it sounds.

I realised I was non-binary in 2017 I think! Legitimately cos I was reading the 'Gender Issue' of Time Magazine where in an interview, one of the trans folks said 'It felt like I'd been put into a box I just never fit into' and just like that, *crack* - I realised how much I had spent of my entire life trying to adhere to a set of rules that made me deeply uncomfortable. I sat with it for like an hour or so and then went to my trans friend and said 'I don't think I'm actually a girl' and he just kinda turned to me and was like 'Ahh so you finally realised?' 🤣

That’s the thing about small country towns. @Jynx. They either know me or my parents.

Maybe one day when I go away by myself I might be able to try. Maybe next time I go to hospital. My psych does silly things. Like she jumped up and down when we become client/psych. She sings and dances in the shopping aisles. She’s easily excitable!

So kinda like the whole ‘asexual’ thing. It just fitted and explained a lot.

That’s interesting that he saw it before you. Is it like the whole ‘gaydar’ thing? My bestie has an amazing ‘gaydar’ she said that one of my ex-friends was gay and about 5 years later she came out!

I hope I didn’t offend you? @Jynx