I can’t cope

Yeah @Ru-bee. The original Pdoc, she is the best one here. But I’m now a bit scared because of the trouble I’ve caused over the mix up.

I don’t really have anything but while the group was looking at big things (well too big for me) I was too overwhelmed. I felt that the little things were stupid. But they aren’t, they are acceptable if that’s all I’m capable of. So me going out side at night to take the dogs to the toilet and looking at the stars is big for me but achievable.

You're so right @Captain24, this stuff is all relative. Something small to one person may feel huge to someone else. Or it could even change day to day, something big one day can feel smaller or more achievable the next. Like the nurse said, it's all about what works for you! Speaking of self care, that's the topic of tonight's PGC if you're able to attend. It might be a good spot to talk about this a bit more!

Sometimes you need to cause a little trouble to make sure that people hear you. I'm so glad that you're about to see your preferred Pdoc!

I spoke to one of the facilitators today. I told her everything about how I was feeling. @Ru-bee. She said she needs to report me. As I told her about my SI and she said it’s serious.

Im about to go into my doctors appointment and I'm really scared as I know she hasn’t reported me yet but if I don’t tell my doctor then she will know I’ve held back.

I’m scared I’m going to get in trouble and get kicked out.

So I just had my Pdoc appointment and it went ok. She apologised profusely about the mix up and wants me to be her patient.

I told her everything. She listened. She is not sure that the course I’m doing is right for me at this time but I have to give it a go for a few more days. I will tell her I’m fine because I’m not going to take a step backwards.

She also said that it was lucky I didn’t leave after the mix up. I said I had thought seriously about it. She said she would never have known that I was here and that she wouldn’t have know if I had ended my life.

She also said to me that I wouldn’t have come back if it wasn’t for stage 2. I told her probably not. She said I should have come in 3 weeks ago.

She gave me a big hug at the end of the appointment and gave me a little unicorn.

I feel really open, raw and vulnerable right now. It wasn’t easy to open up and I’m not sure if the facilitator reported me or not. At least I told my Pdoc first. The facilitator and I were 15 minutes late to group. She didn’t want to hurry me or cut me off. She wanted me to be able to be open. She wanted to make sure I had that space.

I have a really good bunch around me.

I'm so pleased to hear that you were able to connect with this Pdoc @Captain24!

It's understandable that you're feeling raw after that, it would have taken a lot of strength to be vulnerable like that, but I'm very glad to hear that you're feeling positive about the support around you right now

@Captain24 oh my stars that is sooooo good to hear!! I am so glad the mixup got sorted, this pdoc sounds amazing, and genuinely cares about where you're at. I'm so proud of you for opening up, too!

I can't stay to chat for long as we're kicking off PGC soon - it's about self-care this week, will I see you in there?

Hey @Jynx

She looked really devastated when I told her the extent of my SI. She wished that I had have come in sooner. I also told her the extent of me being trapped in my house and too scared to leave.

Thanks.. it wasn’t easy to open up. I opened up to the both of them like I never have before.

The nurse that I had a really big talk to yesterday has made me write one goo word about myself a day and I have to stick it on my mirror. I showed her today that I had started it. She gave me the first 2 words and I did a third today. So I have kind and friendly from her and mine is strong. After the group and being so open and vulnerable I think I earn’t that today.

Self care was the first part of today and I failed until the nice nurse told me to not look at the big picture.

I will be on it, it’ll just be around my meds.

@Captain24 oh you definitely earned it, 1000%!!

That's a wise nurse haha - always helps to focus on the little things!

Yippee, hopefully see you in there poppet 💜

So a nurse came in and said ‘I can see your smile but your eyes say you are not ok’ that was nice to hear. Others see my smile and think that it’s all ok. That is me though, I smile and laugh and look ok. But I’m totally not.

The nurse even asked if I wanted to go in Cat 3 to receive extra support. I want and need the support but I also want to be able to go to the beach over the weekend. There is way too much down time on weekends.

I feel like I’m just being a problem. I was thinking I was too sick to be here but my Pdoc said that this is where I have to be.

I’ve been drugged up to help me sleep after a massive day. But so far it isn’t working. I am hoping that the vulnerability hangover doesn’t occur tomorrow.

I don’t know what to do or how to feel @Jynx @tyme