I can’t cope

@Captain24 you had work or have you got the day off?

I had work @Snowie

Just sitting here wanting to cry, wanting to hurt myself, hating me, hating my life.

I just had to meet the parents at the end of the dog walk. They expected me to go with them at 4. I told them I was just driving home from work.

The mother asked me why I was walking so slowly. I told it that I had a sore back. Apparently it’s not sore and I don’t know what sore is. I don’t have dad’s knee or her polio body until then I don’t know what pain is.

I have injured my discs in my spine. I am in pain. I am allowed to feel pain.

Why am I not good enough. Why do they hate me so much?

I don’t deserve to be here. I don’t deserve to be alive.

Hey @Captain24

I'm so sorry to hear you've been having a hard day. You absolutely are allowed to be in pain and it's not up to anyone else to decide what your experience is.

I know those thoughts are hard right now, we're here with you

Who tells you that you are not good enough @Captain24?

Why is your parents word the end?

I totally understand how much the words from parents can hurt. Living with that throughout our lives can be hard.

You say you don't deserve to be alive but where is that coming from?

I know how much our parents and our own thoughts can take over our mind, but who decides that. You say you don't deserve it. Perhaps the opposite is true. You do deserve to live especially with everything you have gone through.

I can’t, I can’t do it. I cant be me. I’m not good enough.

They are right. They are the adults. In their presence I’m a child. That’s where I belong.

I'm sorry @Captain24 but that makes me SO MAD. Your pain is absolutely valid, and having ANY degree of invalidation can add to our emotional load, making the pain even harder to bear. It really grinds my gears when people invalidate others' experiences by saying 'oh but you don't know REAL pain, others have it so much worse!' Doesn't matter. That will ALWAYS be true, someone will always have it worse... and someone else will have it better. But their experiences have nothing to do with my current state of mind and body. So awful to have your pain undermined like that.

I am sorry you had to listen to that trite, and I am sorry that it is so hard to ignore it. Cos it is that much harder when it's family, hey. But you do deserve better, and you deserve to have your pain acknowledged. I am sending you the biggest, warmest, floofiest cuddle ever!! I'm in my oodie so it's extra fluffy 😉💜🫂

@Captain24 they may be adults according to our social norms, but that does not mean they're mature or wise, and it does NOT mean they're automatically right. The fact that you're feeling like the pressure they're putting on you is causing you to regress to feeling like a kid again, tells me their behaviour is VERY toxic. You may need to continue to depend on them due to your life circumstances, but that does NOT mean you are obliged to listen to them anymore. Especially when they say things that are absolutely ridiculous, invalidating, or stigmatising.

I’ve done something I shouldn’t have @Jynx.

Ive been pushed too far.

I’ve been hurt too much.

@Captain24 that is rough hun. But it is done now, so no point worrying about the 'shouldn'ts' or the 'Why didn't I...?s' (that was a weird punctuation challenge, I hope it's legible 😅). Best to focus on the 'What do I need?' and 'What is my next step?' type questions!

Do you need any medical attention hun?

Also, yes - I agree that you've been pushed too far, and hurt too much. Far more than you (or anyone) could ever deserve. But that doesn't mean you're too far gone. It doesn't mean there's no way forward. Humans are equipped to adjust and adapt to cope with life's challenges. No person's state of mind or mental habits are ever set in stone.

How do I come back? It’s to hard to find my way back. Do I just give up? @Jynx