I can’t cope

It feels like it gets harder each time. @Jynx. The thoughts get darker and stronger. They are so dark right now.

August isn’t to far away but at the same time it’s a long way away. There is a lot of days but especially nights to get through.

@Captain24 Mm two months can definitely drag by. But you'll get there, I have faith in you hun. Even if it feels like it's never been this bad before, I can imagine that the depth of the darkness is clouding you a little - I know it definitely used to do so for me. You've survived the darkness 100% times it has clawed at you in the past, and can do so again.

I don’t know that I can do it but I’m appreciate that you think so @Jynx

How did you get through it?

Tonight feels way too hard.

@Captain24 of course hun, always helps to have someone believe in us ay!

Hmm... the overall darkness, or the most difficult nights? A massive oversimplification but, basically it was lots of therapy, lots of small, incremental changes, finding the right social connections, and a concerted effort towards a process of self-discovery and self-acceptance. Studying counselling also helped a lot.

The difficult nights well... I cried, cried again, called a friend or a support line, and eventually learned to sit with the darkness instead of fighting it. And learning that suicide ideation is not an indicator that something is wrong with me, but that something in my life needs addressing.

That’s inspiring @Jynx.

I wonder if I can ever do it. I wonder if I will be around long enough to do it.

Sometimes I don’t think people actually get it.

@Captain24 get what hun? What it's like to have SI?

How bad it is right now @Jynx

@Captain24 Do you wish they knew?

Sometimes no because I don’t want them to put me in hospital especially now that I realise I can’t afford it. @Jynx

But I would like them to understand that I am serious and not brush me off. I can have a conversation and because I say things like I have a holiday booked in October that means I’m not that bad. I present reasonably well, I have been wearing a tracksuit lately instead of jeans and a shirt but they still aren’t getting it. Because I speak to people when my CM and I go for a walk, that means I have social connection, it means that I’m ok. Not the fact that I have lived here my entire life and it’s a small town. Not that I just can’t be rude and walk past people. I am not well. I’m really not well.

@Captain24 mm it's a very frustrating thing to navigate hey. I get the sense that not wanting to end up in hospital makes it that much harder to be open. Do you think you could show them like, these posts? Or write it down, these frustrations? "I know booking a trip and being friendly may appear to indicate I'm doing better than I am, but actually when you use them as examples of my wellness I can find it quite invalidating" or something like that.

I am off for tonight so I'll catch you next time - do one nice thing for yourself tonight, if you can ok hun? Sending hugs🫂 Night night!