Jude’s Jungle

Hello @Judi9877 I understand how youre feeling right now and the uncertainties you have expressed re: PARCS admission. When I am not at my best it can feel like a loosening of moorings and not having a solid footing. In cases like this I just allow my situation to just be with no expectation and realise that I am vulnerable so going into retreat makes sense. Hopefully you will be on new meds soon and your situation will improve. You have crafts to deflect the thoughts of the mind which is a good idea. I hope this stay allows you to recouperate with congenial people. When you are feeling stronger within yourself you can get out a bit from your room to chat with other residents. Sending you all my love Judi.

Hey @Judi9877 ,

The first day/night is always challenging. It's takes up to 4 days to feel more comfortable. Remember, it's a new environment, new bed, new room, new surroundings.

Go gentle on yourself. It's totally okay to be by yourself until you feel more comfortable. My stays at PARCs always started that way too.

Have you met your key clinician yet?

Thinking of you,

tyme

Hi @Judi9877,

I'm sorry you're feeling low. Sounds like things are pretty hard for you at the moment. I really feel for you and totally understand the feeling of wishing that you could just do something to make yourself feel better. It sounds like you are really trying to do everything in your power to help yourself.

Hopefully they will get on you on the right track with your meds. Plus (like you said) not sleeping doesn't help when you already feel bad.

I get not wanting to socialise. I'm usually a pretty social person and love to chat (a bit like you I'm thinking @Judi9877) but when I'm flat I just want to be left alone. It's weird how something like socialising can become such hard work and almost overwhelming when you are just not in the right headspace.

Please don't ever apologise for your feelings. They are what they are and none of us can control how we feel. I think it's very important to speak your truth in terms of how you're feeling. Plus it's when we let our guard down that people can really support us with what we need.

One step at a time - you have so many people here that are walking alongside you.

Sending you lots of positivity and strength.

FloatingFeather

How's everything going for you today @Judi9877?

There's definitely no shame in sharing and honouring how you're truly feeling at the moment. I would like to highlight though that by acknowledging these feelings can ebb and flow you are also acknowledging that soon things will shift again in more positive ways. I hope this shift begins to take place for you very soon. 🙂

Sirius✨

Hi @Former-Member @FloatingFeather @tyme @Former-Member @Former-Member @Oaktree @Shaz51 @TAB @MDT @Former-Member and everyone joining me here in the jungle this Saturday afternoon. Thanks for all the positive and helpful comments by the way! It’s really helped me a lot.

To be honest, Tuesday - Thursday was a bit of a write off as I found out on Wednesday afternoon that my meds aren’t being changed due to time restraints which was very disappointing to say the least and I didn’t handle the news very well. I was suicidal and made plans only to be told on Thursday afternoon that if I did anything, I would be discharged from the program so I had to do some radical thinking quick smart which I successfully managed to do. I decided to think about what my psychologist would say with that being treat PARCS like a holiday and soak up the peace and quiet and limited stress on myself so that’s what I’m now doing. I’m setting small goals for myself each day such as working on doing a certain amount of knitting and getting in some meditation practice at night before bed to help me sleep which I’ve learnt through a session here that I’m not doing myself any favours by drinking Pepsi Max late at night so I’m trying to work on getting better sleep at night. I’ve had to accept that I’ll never be able to sleep during the day anymore so I’m trying to work on ideas to keep myself occupied during the day to avoid boredom.

At PARCS, I’m continuing with the blanket I started just over a week ago when I had my psychosis episode with the goal to try and finish it whilst I’m here with just over a ball of wool to go on it (more close to 2 balls as I’ve just started my 5th colour last night). See below for the photo. It’s just over 90cm long and around 125cm wide on 5mm needles with 170 stitches in the needles. Again, this blanket will be donated to charity once it’s completed as the charity I knit for is in desperate need of blankets. I’ve also got some more wool (10 balls) with me to start a new blanket should I finish this one in time.

Today, I’m working on a cable scarf which I’ve started and lost so many times due to endless a moves so I’m hoping to get more of it done. This is my goal project I’ve allocated myself for the weekend as it’s quiet and I can focus on the 8 row pattern without being disturbed by my housemate who I love having around but can be annoying at times when I want to knit the scarf. I’m determined to get this scarf completed for my housemates mother as she has been requesting it for several years and I’ve lost it endless times only to have to buy the wool again and start all over. It’s been a very costly scarf with the wool not being cheap either as it’s pure wool from Bendigo Woollen Mills so I’m determined that this will be the last scarf with the pattern I work on and actually complete!

 As for my moods, I think I’m going to take it as it comes and accept that there are things I can’t change which I have no control over like my meds for example. All I can do is try and improve my sleeping habits and accept that I’m not going to be able to sleep in the afternoon despite my wanting to. I’ll keep on practicing my meditation at night to become calm and hope that I get at least 6 hours of sleep at night which should help. As for things during the day, I’ve got an interview when I get out of here for a volunteer role at an opportunity shop so that could help keep me busy for at least half a day a week and I’ve got a health course diploma to start with 2 subjects that starts in July so there are some things on the horizon to keep me busy with the studying requiring 20 hours over the 2 subjects so there’s time there to fill in.

I think I’m just struggling mentally right now and have lost sight of who I am and what I am, sort of like a lack of direction. I know this is a period I’ve obviously got to go through as I believe there is a purpose and meaning in things in life that I experience and hopefully the meaning will appear to me in some way shape or form. I’ve just got to be gentle with myself and realise that things happen for a reason and I’m obviously in need of a break right now. I’ve got to get through this period and I know I will even if it doesn’t seem like it right now. As long as I’m setting small goals for myself, even if that means just getting through the next hour or 5 minutes or day, it’s a good sign and I have to believe that I will survive and get through the days even if they seem long and endless at times. Like the song in the movie Frozen 2, I just have to keep on doing ‘The Next Right Thing’ and put 1 foot in front of the other and keep on moving. Like Dory and Nemo say in the Disney movies, just keep on swimming and that’s what I’ve got to do when things get tough. Living is hard, very hard at times, but I’m still doing it so that’s a good and positive thing in that regard.

Thanks for reading this entry!

Take care.

Judi9877💐🌻

I'm so glad you have your knitting to keep you stable. I agree about the Pepsi Max. I don't sleep if I have caffeine, so I don't drink caffeine or eat chocolate after 12pm. Other things I do is switch my computer and phone off after 6pm as the longer you use them the harder it is to get off to sleep because of the blue light coming from the screen which can make insomnia worse. I usually wear glasses with blue blocker lenses which stop the computer light going into my eyes. There are many "sleep hygiene" articles on the internet. I had to do the suggestions for my sleep as I had issues myself @Judi9877

Good evening everyone joining me here in the jungle tonight.

I’m pleased to report that the jungle has been quite a pleasant place to be today with me having a day of not being bored and being able to keep myself occupied here at PARCS. I’ve been sociable today and spent most of the day in the communal areas whilst working on my cable scarf and attending a group session on life at PARCS and life after leaving which was a good session.

I’ve eaten 3 meals today which is a massive achievement including eating breakfast which I’ve struggled with over the past few months and I did a 30 minute meditation session tonight which I found calmed me down. I’ve agreed to knit 2 residents a beanie each by Tuesday as I got some nice comments on the beanie I’ve been wearing around the facility and I’m feeling happy to do this. I’ve spoken to the workers today who’ve noticed an improvement in my mental state and I’ve actually felt quite good mood wise as well as mentally which is a positive sign.

I’ve also come to terms with being glad that my psychologist hasn’t responded to my earlier email I sent to him in distress mode on Wednesday afternoon because I’ve been forced to deal with my PARCS issues on my own and rely on myself to get through the drama/issues. That has allowed me to grow mentally I believe because there’s going to be a time when he’s not around and I’ll have to rely on myself so in that regard, by not responding to my email, he’s actually helped me even if it didn’t appear to me to see it that way earlier on after I sent the email in panic mode. I’m planning on sending him an email tomorrow to thank him for not responding to me and to give him an update on how I’m going so that’s on my list of things to do.

I’m quite happy that I’m now allowing time ea h night to meditate as I’m forced to do nothing for 30 minutes each night and just relax which has been hard at times when my brain wants me to do things like knit and call people and send emails, etc. I try to imagine myself on board the Spirit of Tasmania ship with me being in the middle of Bass Strait and not being able to deal with my problems because I haven’t got access to everything so the problems or issues just have to sit in my head for the allocated 30 minutes of meditation time that I allow myself to spend on this type of mindfulness practice. It’s hard but I know I feel a lot calmer after doing it which makes me feel relaxed and that’s a nice feeling to experience.

Okay forumite friends. It’s officially bed time for me so I’ll say goodnight and sweet dreams!

Take care!

Judi9877☺️💐

Good afternoon @Former-Member @TAB @Former-Member @FloatingFeather @tyme @Appleblossom @Shaz51 @Former-Member @Former-Member @Daisydreamer @maddison @MDT @Eve7 and everyone here. I hope your day has gone well.

As for me, things have been quite good here in the jungle after a bit of a down mood this morning due to lack of a proper nights sleep - I messed up my night routine by having some Pepsi Max at 9:30pm which caused me to not sleep properly despite being tired. My mood has improved again after ripping out a crochet rectangle blanket I started last Tuesday which I messed up and have since restarted to make a granny square blanket instead which I’m now a lot happier with and am really enjoying. See the 2 photos of what was to now what is with the yarn I pulled out earlier today.

I’ve also had a small win in terms of a small medication change here at PARCS which has also improved my mood so hopefully the changes start soon once the meds arrive for tomorrow night. I know it isn’t much but it’s still a small achievement and that’s what counts in my opinion.

As for other things, I’ve investigated doing another course- this time in the aged care industry/disability sector- and it’s only for 6 months so I’m pretty confident I can handle a course that short online as it means I’ll be able to get a job within 12 months. I can afford the fees and will start it in either July or August one day per week for 20 weeks with 2 or 3 days being on campus for CPR and manual handling. I’ll do this along side my volunteer role at the op shop should the interview and paperwork go well on the 30th.

Overall, things are improving which is the main thing and I’m feeling more positive compared to when I arrived at PARCS a week ago.

Thanks for reading this entry!

Take care!

Judi9877☺️💐

Hi there @Judi9877

It's so great to hear you're going well. It sounds like you have some big plans!

I love your crocheting work. It's so colourful, it makes me smile

sending hugs

hanami 💮