Hi @Snowie @Meowmy @Eve7 @maddison @TAB @Shaz51 @Oaktree @hanami @Former-Member @Former-Member @Paperdaisy @OscarJones @Daisydreamer @MDT @Appleblossom @outlander @Former-Member and all forumites joining me in the jungle today. Welcome and thank you.
I’m feeling a little down, lost, confused, sad, depressed and out of sorts so the jungle isn’t a very nice place to be for me right now unfortunately to say. I feel like I’ve wasted the past 20 years of my life studying at Tafe and uni and not achieving very much in my life except for a useless Arts degree that I can’t use as it’s 15 years old and I’ve forgotten the stuff I learnt. I saw on Facebook last night that an old uni friend has purchased a house worth over $900,000 and while they’ve worked hard for it and have had full time employment which I’m happy for, I feel that I’ve achieved nothing in my life and that’s partly because of all of the issues I’ve had with my mental health. I struggle to settle down and complete things like courses as I see myself as self sabotaging myself when it gets to the end of things. It’s like I’m scared of things ending and I dislike that within myself. I can knit blankets and be very creative with them for charity and I enjoy this and in some ways, I’d love to run a knitting group with people such as older people who share my passion. There’s an opportunity for me to volunteer at an aged care home which I keep on putting off because I’m scared I’m not good enough. I’d also like to get a job but as I haven’t worked in such a long time thanks to my mental illnesses creating major issues except for the election jobs in the last 2 federal elections, I feel that I don’t know what I’d be good at except for doing things like washing and drying dishes and cleaning tables because that’s all I see myself as being capable of. I feel useless and have low self esteem and low self confidence in myself and that’s affecting my general outlook towards my life and employment options. I don’t know what I’d be good at in terms of work and feel that I may need to take a skills test to see what things show up.
I contacted an employment agency today and because I’m going away in 2 weeks, it’s been decided to put off any dealings with them until I return from my holiday which is fair enough. That’ll be in mid September so maybe things will change for me and I might have an idea of what I want. I would like to work with helping people but not as a personal care attendant and do enjoy talking and listening to people as well. I’m creative in that I like knitting and crochet and can create blankets, scarves, beanies and a jumper at a stretch and I like colours as well. I’m not good at selling things so unless people know what they want, that’s not an option for me. I know I’ve got some employable skills thanks to my role as a Community Guide here on the forums and I know I can communicate in many different ways which is a positive sign I guess. It’s just a matter of finding a job that I can do 2 - 3 days per week that doesn’t cause me anxiety and which I can be good at. I just have to find an employer who is willing to give me a chance and I’m hoping that an employment agency will be able to help me achieve this.
I don’t know. I guess I’m just at a loss personally right now and am feeling sad and sorry for myself. I haven’t heard anything more from my case manager or the fill in case manager that is taking over from her for 2 weeks and it’s been 3 weeks tomorrow since I’ve been out of hospital. I think that could also have been having an impact on me as I know I’ve been sleeping/ resting/ hibernating a bit more since I’ve been home from hospital as I feel safe in my room. I have been knitting a blanket for charity which I got the main section of an adult blanket completed yesterday with only the border strips to knit which is an achievement in itself and I should be happy with that which I am but it’s hard to feel positive when I feel like it’s nothing special in comparison to being employed and buying a house. I just don’t know what to think or feel right now and it’s causing me issues mentally. I’m just trying to keep on putting 1 foot in front of the other, keep on swimming and doing the next right thing as Anna says in the Frozen 2 movie. I just have to take things slowly and accept that right now, I’m not in a good headspace and the jungle isn’t a great place to be, knowing full well that it’s only temporary and that things will eventually change and improve.
I’m leaving this here and going to order some lunch. Thanks so much for reading this entry of mine. I’m sorry that it’s not all positive and happy and I’d like to apologise if I’ve upset anyone.
Thanks.
Judi9877
