Total Freedom of mind and heart

Hi forumites

It's been a while since I actually made a long winded post and have mostly been spending the last few months making short posts here and there.

These days I am finding I am not finding much joy in things - but I am totally okay with it. I think maybe I am growing up. I am finding that I am asking myself questions over what I still want to do before I hit 30, what I don't want to do at all, what things are too late to do, what is worth the effort etc.

I have noticed my empathy has really begun to shine through since practicing radical self compassion.

I read the other day about how three things mattered the most - how we treat others, how others treat us and how we treat ourselves. I realised today on my walk and when I saw the sunrise that there was but one part of this i fail with - how i treat myself. I have never had complaints from others about my treatment of them and I've gone through life grudge free.

So much of my issues stem from how I view myself. I mentioned recently how I had written a heap of words about myself something like 5000 in 2 hours.

It was a catharsis.

I am finding choice paralysis is hitting me a lot these days. But maybe this is the aftershock of being in the depths of depression. I don't know what the phrase "onwards and upwards" entails tbh. But I like the idea of it

My life this year so far (we are in May already)

- I went back to my job and only lasted a couple of months and quit

- I used my studies as an excuse and then quit those studies. Got a refund

- I interviewed for a job in my field but didn't get it because I did not perform well in the interview. I kind of knew this going in

- I have applied to some peer support roles and will be looking into that in the short to medium term

- The dream is to study again in something I am fascinated by (relevant to my undergraduate course) and hopefully go overseas to do that. But it is hard because of my results. The potential I have to succeed is not reflected in my current grades but it is something i would like

What I have to learn from here:

- Patience

- That while some things are too late to happen, there is much more in life left to experience and the idea that there is a timestamp on things is nonsense. Many things just get recycled in life and are never really truly once in a lifetime things

- The sense of FOMO i have around many things in life is not well grounded. Because there has been tragedy, trauma and suffering in life quite close to me. I think that has enabled me to be compassionate to myself as well. Life is unfair but I don't think this makes it horrible

- I have options

I sometimes feel I am too young to be on this forum and perhaps maybe it is true at some level. But I guess at the moment it does exactly what it needs to for me.

There is trauma in my life and tragedy nearby.

By being self compassionate and better to myself in terms of how i think of myself and how i treat myself maybe it would be best going forward from here to continue what works and stop what hurts

I take it each day by day.

(I changed my font for a new look)